The Fight For Four
by cntrysingerchick
Summary: Derek & Meredith have been through hell and back together. They finally have a beautiful son and are settling into life as a family. Neither expects what is to come. Follow their journey through the good and bad, tragedy and triumph as they fight for their family and struggle to keep the happiness they deserve. Follows "And Then There Were Two" & "Baby Makes Three".
1. Getting the News

*** This Story was originally published in 2015. As of 6/2017 it is in the process of being revised/re-worked. All revised chapters will be dated in the title with 2017 and will also include a footnote dating the revision. If you're a new reader, I HIGHLY recommend you sit tight and wait on edited chapters as some things are now changed.**

 **Welcome to part three of Meredith and Derek's story! This continues the stories "And Then There Were Two" and "Baby Makes three". If you have not read those two stories, I highly suggest you back out of this and start there. You will quickly find yourself confused without knowing where these two started. Really, this story won't make any sense at all. :)**

 **If you've read the first two stories, you know me well enough to know that this fanfiction will not be all fluffy bunnies and roses. It will have beautiful moments, love, laughter, and joy. It will also have hard moments. It will test these characters just as it always does. There will be pain and sadness and obstacles. That's where I take my stories. I always bring them back to the other side. And I don't kill Derek Shepherd, so that's already a win over Shonda, right?**

 **There is no character death in this story. There WILL be struggle. There will be hard moments. If you want an all fluff story, this is not for you.**

 **** Trigger warning: the early chapters of this story do have some discussion of the consideration of abortion. If you are not comfortable with those discussions, please skip ahead. ****

 **Disclaimer: I am not Shonda Rhimes. I don't own Grey's Anatomy or the characters. If I did, Derek Shepherd would be alive. Obviously.**

 **GA - GA - GA -**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter One**

Life can be funny sometimes. It surprises you. Even when you have it all figured out, it throws curves. They catch you off-guard. They challenge you. They devastate you. They bring you joy greater than you could ever imagine. When you have your life planned out, and your boxes are check-marked, when you wake up every morning knowing what the day holds, that's when it happens. That's when life drops you on your butt and reminds you...you're not in charge, you never where. And really, the question is where you go from there. You let it defeat you, control you, or you take a deep breath and go with it. Because in those moments, character is built, your future is decided. You live, or you quit.

"Meredith."

She heard him say her name for the third time, or at least she thought it was the third time. Weston wiggled under her hand, and she managed a small smile as she snapped the last snap on his onesie, carefully lifting him into her arms after tossing his diaper into the trash. "You're getting too big." She never grew tired of his sweet smell, and she drew in a half-content breath as his head rested on her shoulder. There was such a difference between her tiny newborn and her now five month-old son. He wasn't that same fragile being that had come into the world under the most terrifying of circumstances. He was his own little person, complete with the most adorable personality she'd ever seen. Meredith Grey Shepherd was head over heels in love with him. She treasured every smile, every giggle, every sneeze, every sleepless night. Motherhood had finally brought her to a place of peace. She'd struggled those first few months, a lot. She'd barely made it through the fog of depression that plagued her after the trauma of his birth. Derek had pushed her though, to get help, and for that she was grateful. With therapy and medication, she'd come out on the other side. And she was happier than she ever had been. But now...

"Meredith." Derek's concern increased. He handed Weston's blanket and bottle over. "Please, tell me what's going on."

"Huh?" She looked over, shifting the baby in her arms so she could feed him. "Nothing, Derek. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing." He insisted, watching her carefully. "Meredith, please, don't shut me out." He almost begged. He'd noticed the rapid shift in her immediately after her shower that morning. The calm, peaceful, smiling woman he'd come to know over the last three months was gone. Just like that, a light had gone out. And he was scared. Derek was terrified, almost, and there was no chance he was going to just watch her disappear again.

"Derek," Meredith wanted him to back off. She needed him to back off. The sound of his pager going off saved her.

"We're going to talk about this tonight." he glanced down at the pager, sighing.

"Have a good day." She had no intention of talking about it, not yet. She needed time, to process everything, before she said anything to him.

"I love you." Reluctantly, he planted a kiss on Weston's head, kissed his wife, then headed out the door. It would bug him for the rest of the day, he knew, to not know what was going on with her.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

"Addison," It was a few hours before she received a call back from her friend, and by then she was rushing to get out the door in time for her shift. The nanny was late, Weston had been crying for an hour, and the two hours of sleep she'd gotten the night before were starting to get to her. She sighed as she tried to find a black tank top buried in the insanity that was her bottom dresser drawer. Derek made a comment about it every time he saw it, and every time he saw it she reminded him she liked it that way. Only she didn't, really. Not when she couldn't find what she needed when she needed it.

"Sorry for the delay. I've had the most insane day." Addison could hear the stress in Meredith's voice, and it surprised her.

"It's okay. Crazy day here too." She admitted, relieved when she finally found her shirt. She glanced over to Weston who was angrily protesting being put down. "I'll be right there buddy." After scrub pants were pulled on and she found her shoes, she sat down on the bed and glanced at the clock. If Susie didn't get there soon, she was going to be late for her shift. "I think I'm pregnant," She blurted out suddenly.

Addison hadn't been sure what she expected to hear when Meredith had left a message saying she needed to talk, but it wasn't that. She and Derek had both made it clear, many times over, that they didn't plan to have anymore babies. Meredith had been too traumatized by Weston's birth and the loss of Grayson to want to do it again. Addison had just had a conversation a few weeks ago with her about the option of getting her tubes tied. Still, she tried to hide her obvious shock. She didn't want to be unsupportive, and she knew her friend had called her for a reason. "I take it this was a surprise."

"I can't tell Derek, Addison." Her breath hitched, and she angrily wiped tears from her eyes. "I just, I can't. He'll be happy. I know he would have settled for stopping with Weston, but he'll be happy. And I just, I..."

"Meredith," Addison felt for her. She knew it was difficult. "Did you take a test?"

"It was positive. Really freaking positive. All four of them. I'm two weeks late. I just, I ignored it. I thought..."

"So you're pregnant." Addison confirmed. There was definitely no denying a two week late period and four positive pregnancy tests.

"I'm definitely pregnant." She confirmed, resisting the urge to throw her remaining shoe against the wall.

Addison paused, choosing her next words carefully. "Meredith, did you call me because you are thinking about termination?"

"I can't have an abortion." Meredith cut her off. "I just, I don't...no. That's not, that's not why I called. I just, I..." She sighed, picking Weston up after putting her shoe on "What am I supposed to do?" The thought of terminating her pregnancy had never crossed her mind, even though she was terrified. The life inside of her was from she and Derek, and she couldn't imagine ever taking steps to end it. She just had no idea how she was going to be able to set aside her past trauma.

"I think you need to take some time." Addison suggested. "I know you say you don't..."

"I really don't. Addison. I didn't call because of that." Meredith insisted. "I just can't tell Derek. Not yet. Not until I can calm down about it, I guess."

"Meredith," Addison had made an entirely different decision, years ago. She didn't see things the way Meredith did. She'd support her in whatever she decided to do, but she also didn't want her to feel trapped. "I think you need to take some time to think about this. You need to make sure continuing this pregnancy is what you want."

"Do you think there's a chance it will happen again? The complications? The placenta previa? Another emergency c-section?"

There was another pause. "Your history is an important piece to look at. It doesn't necessarily mean that those things would come up this time. There's a chance this could be entirely different than the last two times. But it's always a concern, and it's something I would keep in the back of my mind."

"I have to go." She abruptly cut the conversation short when the doorbell rang.

"Let me know if you decide..."

"I have to go, Addison." She sighed and hung up. Already she deeply regretted calling her. They just didn't see it the same way. She didn't want to feel pressured to do something she didn't want to do, even if she was sure Addison was coming from a place of wanting to help.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

Meredith spent the day mostly in a daze, her mind wandering over and over again to the four tests she'd taken that morning, the four tests that would change her life. Being a mom to Weston was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to her, but the emotional trauma of his birth had been enormous. It had taken so much work for her to come out on the other side of that. She couldn't imagine how she would be able to get through that again.

"I'm pregnant. Derek doesn't know. Addison wants me to have an abortion."

Cassie White looked up from her desk, motioning for her patient to sit down on the couch. She got up, quietly closing the door to her office. "And what do you think?"

"I'm scared." Admitting the truth to her therapist was hard, and she was glad she'd decided to just walk in and blurt it all out at once. Otherwise she knew she'd probably still be sitting there, partially losing her mind, the words stuck in her throat.

"I think that's perfectly understandable given all that you've been through." She paused, watching her. "So you haven't told Derek. But you called Addison."

Meredith nodded. "God, that makes me sound awful. He asked. He knew something was wrong. But I, I couldn't. I didn't want to see how happy he would be. I just..."

"Do you want to have an abortion, Meredith?"

"No." The answer came quickly, easily. "This baby, it's ours. Derek's. Mine. But I'm so scared."

"But you're here, talking about this. That's a good first step."

"What if I die?" Meredith finally looked up at her.

"What if you don't?"

"Addison said my history is important. And that it could happen again. And I just, I keep seeing the blood on the floor, and..."

"Meredith." She tried to slow her down, to get her calm enough to step back a bit. "You came to me, and I think that shows tremendous growth on your part. You're asking for help, and I think it's because there's a part of you that wants to be happy about this."

She offered a small nod. "Derek's always wanted a little girl." She whispered. "Maybe it would be a girl."

"Do you think talking to him would help you?"

"I don't want to tell him."

"You don't have to." Dr. White insisted. "You don't have to tell him until you're ready."

"But isn't that selfish? I mean, he's my husband. And he..."

"Meredith, I think Derek would understand. I think he would recognize that this is very difficult for you."

"It makes me a bad mother, I think, to wish I wasn't pregnant."

"I think it speaks a lot about how much you love your family. I think it says a lot about how scary it would be for you to leave Weston, and Derek."

"What am I supposed to do?" Tears fell freely down her cheeks.

"I can't tell you that." Cassie looked at her sympathetically. "I think if you take a little time, those answers will come."

"Yeah..." She got up. "Sorry for just, walking in. I guess I'll be back. For my appointment on Thursday." Quietly, and with shaking hands, she got up and walked out of her office.

 **I didn't plan to open the story like this. I have doubts about how it will be received. I am hopeful that those of you who have been loyal readers will expect nothing less than opening this story with something big. As always, I will stay true to a happy ending. It's the middle stuff I don't make promises about.**

 **Please review!**

*Revised 6/2017


	2. A Moment With You

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews on the first chapter of this story. I'm happy to see so many looking forward to it.**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Two**

"You're home early," Derek smiled from his position on their living room. He laughed as Weston giggled from where he was laying on a nearby blanket. Apparently to a five month-old, a ball rolling across the floor was hilarious.

"Finished up charts at lunch." She laughed at Weston, sitting down on the floor next to Derek. "Looks like you two are having fun."

"Hey...blocks and balls. Can't beat them." He slid his arm around her, pulling her close. "How was your shift?"

"Pretty good, considering the insanity that was the ER today. Apparently a teenage football team decided it would be funny to get drunk off their butts and see who could run the most laps across the field."

"Seems reasonable." He laughed, kissing her temple.

Meredith was grateful for the normal moment. She was happy to see Derek happy again. It had been a couple of days since finding out she was pregnant, and she'd managed to put off the conversation so far. They'd gone almost a full twenty-four hours without talking at first. Derek had been hurt by her refusal to admit what was going on, and while she understood, she just wasn't ready to open up. She hoped that he'd somehow forgotten about it, or that he figured whatever it was was no longer an issue. She'd done her best to put a smile on her face and push all of it aside when she was around him. The last thing she wanted was a strain on their relationship. "What about you? Cut open any brains today?"

"Pretty boring day." He admitted. "Mostly post-ops. I guess I shouldn't complain. I got to leave before the crazy football fiasco."

"That makes you lucky." She reached over and picked up Weston, showering him with kisses before letting him sit on her lap. "Missed you today, baby boy."

"Susie said he had a hard time napping. I doubt he'll be able to stay awake much longer."

Meredith frowned. "Did he get a bath already? That usually..."

He cut her off. "I gave him a bath, Mer. Don't worry. Kept him up so you could give him his bottle and rock him to sleep."

"Thanks," She smiled. They were a good team, perfect really, as long as other things weren't getting in the way.

"You know, I was thinking, this December Weston will be one. You and I haven't been on a vacation, and I think it would be nice to get away for a while. He'll be old enough to leave for a week, and we could take some..."

"Derek," Meredith frowned. She wasn't sure she was thrilled with the idea of leaving their baby for a week, though the thought of some quiet time alone was nice. It didn't matter, though. She'd be heavily pregnant by then, if her calculations were right.

"Just hear me out." He pleaded. "We need some time, for the two of us. I want some time with you. And I know you won't be ready to leave Weston before then. I won't either. But by then he'll be a year old, and Lexie and Mark can keep him. He can play with Ella. Just for a week. We could go someplace romantic, someplace quiet."

Meredith struggled with a response, fighting tears. It did sound nice. A week away with Derek sounded amazing. But now it couldn't happen. They couldn't get on a plane with her thirty-six weeks pregnant. She looked down at their son, hoping Derek wouldn't notice she was upset. "You're right." She decided to just go with it for the time being. "That does sound nice."

Derek smiled, running his hand over her hair. "I've missed us." He got up to get a bottle ready.

"We should make it a movie night." She got up after he did. "Don't they have movies you can rent, like for one night or whatever?"

"I'll find something." Derek grabbed a bottle from the counter, mixing up some formula. He laughed when Weston began to fuss in her arms. "Guess someone's hungry."

"He sure did pick up on that fast." Meredith tried to hush him while she waited on Derek to warm the bottle up. "It's okay, buddy. Daddy is hurrying."

The baby continued his protest until the bottle was in his mouth, and immediately one hand reached up to rub sleepy eyes as he settled into his mom's arms.

"I'll be back." Meredith headed upstairs with him. It was the routine they had every night, when they were home. She and Derek took turns rocking him to sleep after his bottle. She loved those moments. Even now she felt like he had already grown up before her eyes, and she wanted to savor every second she had with him while he was tiny.

Derek knew something was still going on with Meredith, and he sighed as his wife went upstairs. He'd decided to let it go until she was ready to talk, out of respect for her feelings. He just hoped that she wouldn't shut him out for long. He didn't want them going backwards, not after everything they'd been through. Deciding to make the most of their rare evening together, he grabbed a box of popcorn out of the pantry, though he made a face when he looked at the ingredients. Still, his wife loved the stuff, even if he knew it was probably slowly giving her cancer. While it popped he debated between a bottle of wine and a couple of Cokes, the former being his preference. Meredith would want the coke though, and he knew he'd get a grin out of her if he had one too.

So that settled it. He waited for her on the couch, bowl of popcorn and drinks on the coffee table. They didn't often order a movie, but he flipped through the choices until he found something he thought she would like.

"He was exhausted." Meredith came back downstairs less than half an hour later, pausing at the bottom of the stairs when she saw him. "What are you doing?" She grinned at the snacks on the table.

"You wanted a movie night." He couldn't help but smile when he saw her expression.

"I did." She laughed, sitting down next to him. "You must be hoping we'll get naked after this. I can't think of another reason you would voluntarily eat microwaved popcorn and drink a canned soda."

"To see you happy." He admitted, wrapping an arm around her. "I love seeing you happy, Mer."

"Because you're McDreamy." She snuggled up in his arms, drinking in his amazingly sexy scent. She'd never grow tired of that. For a moment, fear and sadness were forgotten. The pregnancy was forgotten. She was enjoying a night with her husband.

"Because I have you. You make me want to be a better man, every day. I'd go to the end of the earth and back for you. You know that, right?"

"You've pretty much done it before." She pointed out. "You've saved my life, Derek, more times than I can count. And now you're here, eating the evil thing called popcorn...which you made in our microwave. I mean if that doesn't speak love and devotion..."

He laughed, really laughed. "I'm here. Eating this cancerous snack." He agreed.

"Which I really do appreciate." She grinned, reaching down and playfully pinching his side.

He jumped, laughing as he gently pushed her back, pinning her down on the couch. "You shouldn't have done that. Tickling me...it's a cardinal sin."

"Really?" She grinned, her eyes locking with his as she looked up. "And just what do you intend to do about it, Derek Shepherd?"

"This is serious, Meredith. Punishable by death. Death by kisses."

Meredith giggled as his lips brushed over hers. When he released her wrists, her arms found their way around him, and she kissed him back earnestly. The popcorn, coke, and movie were forgotten. "You're amazing." She whispered after a moment, the break between them happening only so they could catch their breath.

"I love you." He whispered, brushing her hair away from her face as he looked down at her, his body supported by his other arm. "You know I love you, right?" He hoped she would open back up to him at some point, admit that there was something she wasn't telling him. But he didn't want to pressure her.

"I do know." She smiled, reaching up to touch his face. "I still can't believe you picked me."

"There was never any choice." Derek smiled, giving her another quick kiss before he got up. "I couldn't spend my life without you Meredith. You're it for me."

Guilt washed over her, but she refused to let him see anything but the smile on her face. "For me, it was the hair." She teased.

Derek laughed, shaking his head as he grabbed the bowl of popcorn, setting it between them. He turned the movie on, knowing she needed the downtime, though he fully intended to get her naked when it was over.

Meredith loved him for always knowing exactly what she needed. She just hated that sometimes it felt like his own needs and wants got left behind in the process. Still, they had fun watching the movie together. It was rare that they had a full evening. Usually one of them got home late, or worked an opposite shift. So it was a nice change from the routine of falling asleep while waiting on the other person to climb into bed.

"Derek," Meredith drew in a deep breath from where she was settled in his arms later that night. By then the lights were out and they were entwined together under their sheets, both half asleep.

"Yeah?" His voice was barely more than a whisper. She'd pulled him out of that place of almost being asleep, but he didn't mind. His eyes opened so he could see her. Suddenly he was nervous. He could hear in her voice that she wanted to say something.

Meredith chickened out, silence falling over the room once again. She couldn't do it. She couldn't take such a perfect night and ruin it. She didn't want their time together and amazing sex to turn into him trying to talk her down off the ledge of a massive panic attack. It wasn't worth it. There would be plenty of other time to tell him, though with each passing day it got more and more difficult to even think about saying the words. "Just wanted to say I love you."

"I love you too, Mer." Derek knew better. He knew she'd gotten scared. But he remembered the promise to himself not to push her. In a matter of minutes, he was asleep.

Meredith sighed, thinking as she lay there in his arms. Addison had called that morning, asking again if she was sure she didn't want to get an abortion. She'd insisted, once again, that she didn't. But now it seemed almost like an option. Without Derek's calm words to support her, and his reassurance that it would be okay, she was wavering. The hold of PTSD from Grayson's death and her accident, and the trauma from Weston's birth was all the reasoning she had aside from Addison's push, and it left her immensely vulnerable and confused.

She had never liked abortion. Hated it, actually, but now it seemed like an escape. Her fear and pain and trauma screamed at her to do it. Addison's voice in her ear played over and over again, and Meredith could feel her own resolve slipping away. She wiped tears from her cheeks, fighting an incredibly difficult battle against her own mind. She knew if she didn't tell Derek, she'd give in. She'd cave to the fear and the terror that seemed to be able to control her life. She'd listen to her friend who assured her it was okay, and that she'd likely feel better afterward. Without Derek's arms around her and his whisper in her ear, she'd make that appointment, even though she knew deep down inside it wasn't what she wanted.

The question was, could she do it? Would she tell Derek, or would she make a massively life-changing decision about his baby without ever giving him the chance to tell her how he felt?

*Revised 6/2017


	3. Admissions and Arguments

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Three**

"Derek," Meredith was up as soon as the sun shown through the windows the next morning. She was relieved that Weston was still sleeping soundly. "There's something I need to tell you." She whispered. She couldn't wait any longer. She didn't want her fear to be the reason she made a mistake. She knew their marriage would never recover if she kept their baby from him.

Derek braced himself, watching her. He rubbed his eyes a bit, trying to wake up fully. "Okay," He said gently, rubbing her arm.

She hesitated, the words seemingly stuck. A familiar shake began in her hands, the shake she always felt when a panic attack started. _No, stop. Don't do this right now. You have to tell him. You have to tell him first. Don't freak out._ She drew in a couple of deep breaths, tears stinging her eyes. "I'm pregnant."

He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting her to say, but that wasn't it. Pregnant. They had been careful, so careful. Derek resisted the urge to throw up. He had to take a minute to process the news, forcing his racing heart to slow. He loved Weston more than his own life, but his birth had almost taken the most important thing he had. When Meredith had suggested they not have anymore babies, he'd agreed, to protect her. He would do whatever it took to keep his wife safe. The thought of her possibly hemorrhaging on their staircase again suddenly flooded his mind, and he struggled not to let her notice his quickened breaths.

"Derek." Her voice wavered. When he didn't answer, she panicked. Tears fell faster. "Please, say something." She could barely whisper. "Please, Derek."

"How far along?" He felt like an idiot, but it was all he could manage. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her close. He noticed the small but all-too-familiar signs that she was panicking, and he struggled to shove his own fears aside.

"Six weeks, I think." She began to cry, really cry, breaking down as her head rested on his chest. "I'm scared."

Tears filled Derek's own eyes when his wife began to sob against him, and he was glad her position made it impossible for her to see his face. "Shhh," Gently he ran his hand over her hair. "It's okay." He whispered into her ear. "It's going to be okay." A deep frown settled on his face when her breathing quickened. He felt helpless as she began to hyperventilate. "Mer, slow your breathing down. Meredith. Breathe with me." He demonstrated some exaggerated slow breaths, relieved when after a couple of minutes she finally started to relax.

"I don't think I can do this." She was sobbing, gasping, and sobbing again. No, she wasn't hyperventilating anymore, but the panic wasn't leaving. "I can't, I..."

"Shh," He whispered against her ear, knowing there was no way they were going to be able to talk about it until she was calm. Derek was sure he was just as terrified as she was, but he knew he couldn't admit that to her, not yet. He'd almost lost her before, and he knew he couldn't go through that again. He couldn't wake up every day wondering if his wife was going to be diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening pregnancy complication. He sighed, letting out a slow breath. Things were never supposed to be like this. They were never supposed to be in a situation where having a baby was anything other than exciting and joyful. Derek wasn't even sure in that moment that he was happy at all. He was just focused completely on everything that could go wrong, though he was sure in time that would fade. He hoped it would. "You're safe, Mer. Right here with me."

Meredith didn't know how long it took before she was quiet and her words were no longer crowded by tears, but it felt like forever. When she finally spoke again, she was quiet. "I called Addison on Monday. I didn't know how to tell you. I was scared you would be happy, and I, I was too scared to face that. I needed..." She struggled to explain it to him.

"Meredith, it's okay. I get it." He assured her, finally shifting so he could look into her eyes. He carefully brushed a strand of hair from her face. "Are you okay?" It was really all he cared about, knowing that she was alright.

"I don't know." She admitted. "Addison, she..." She contemplated whether to tell him the truth. Ultimately it felt like the right thing to do. "She mentioned abortion."

"What?" A darkness flashed across his eyes. "Did she ask you to do that, Meredith? Did she pressure you into that?" He didn't try to contain or hide his anger, his voice rising. Fear or not, abortion wasn't an option. This was their baby. Even if it would be an emotional struggle, he wasn't going to make a decision to kill their baby, and he wasn't going to stand by and let Meredith do it either.

"No. She..." She sighed, hating his sudden mood change. "I think she was just trying to help, Derek. I told her how scared I was. I told her I didn't know if I could do it. And I think she just thought it was the best thing."

"She said that? That it was the right thing to do?"

"Not that first day. But, yesterday. I called her totally freaking out. And she said it might be easier for me, if I just made the decision. She offered to come here."

"Son of a..."

"Stop, Derek." She pulled away from him when he yelled. "Calm down, please!"

"You were going to do it, weren't you?" Sudden realization hit him as he thought back, running every second of the last few days through his mind. He'd watched his wife slowly slip away from him, little by little, their conversations turning more superficial than they had been in years. And he knew. He knew she'd intended to go through with it.

More than anything, she hated that she'd hurt him. She could see the pain in his eyes, and she desperately wished she could take it away. "I was scared, Derek. All I could think about was Weston's birth, Grayson dying, and what she was saying. I didn't want to go through it all again. I just wanted to go back to being happy. And for a little while, it seemed like an easy answer. Just have an abortion. Addison..."

"Screw Addison, Meredith!" He immediately regretted yelling when he saw he hurt in her eyes. "She's not in our marriage. She's a friend. She has no right to tell you to kill our baby! No right!"

"She was trying to help, Derek!"

"No, Meredith!" He was yelling, again. "She was trying to talk you into taking the life of our child without ever telling me! Not that she has any problem with doing that! She's proved it before!"

"Derek," She wiped fresh tears from her cheeks. "I'm not going to do it. I'm not having an abortion. That's why I told you. I wanted you to tell me it wasn't the right thing to do. I needed you to tell me that we could do this."

He just sort of stared at her, fighting his own emotions. "You were going to make a decision to have an abortion, without ever telling me." Suddenly his voice was flat. "After everything we've been through." He got up, heading to their bathroom. "We're going to be late."

"I'm sorry," She watched him go, hating herself for not telling him the truth right away. "Please, don't do this."

"I can't be here right now, Meredith. I can't, I can't do this with you. I need some time."

"Derek, please!" Weston's cries interrupted any chance she had of following him. Quietly, and with tears still falling, she went to get the baby.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

"Shep," Mark looked up when he rounded the corner that morning, handing over an extra cup of coffee. "You look like you need this." He frowned.

"My wife was going to have an abortion. Because Addison Montgomery told her it would be a great idea." Bitterness, anger, and resentment poured from his lips.

"Meredith's pregnant?" Mark had to get over the shock of the news first, honestly just as surprised by that as he was that his friend's ex-wife had been involved in any of it.

"Six weeks. Or, something." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "She called Addison, Mark. She didn't tell me. She called my ex-wife."

"Her friend." Mark wasn't used to being the voice of reason, but honestly, he had rarely seen Derek so flustered.

"Doesn't matter, Mark! She wasn't going to tell me about the baby. Addison had her convinced that she should have an abortion."

"I don't get it." He admitted.

"Meredith's been in therapy for months, Mark. Because of Weston's birth. Because she almost bled to death on the floor of our house, alone. Because her entire pregnancy was one big..." He sighed. "Because our son died. Because I was shot."

"Addison suggested an abortion because Meredith was scared she would die." Mark summed it up for him, really hoping to avoid a conversation about Grayson. He knew with his friend's mood, he'd get hit if they went there.

"Something like that."

"But you found out."

"Meredith told me." Derek sighed.

"So she wasn't going to do it." Mark was confused.

"You're not helping."

"Well, in my defense. Usually you're the one telling me how stupid I'm acting." Mark pointed out.

"She was going to make that appointment, Mark. I asked her. She didn't really deny it. She did, but, she admitted if she hadn't told me...she was going to do it. She said she was feeling like it would be easier."

"Easier than facing the fear of complications again." Mark sighed. "The two of you, Derek, you've been through a lot. I don't think for one second that Meredith would have an abortion without telling you. I don't think she even wants an abortion. I think she wants someone to tell her it won't happen again."

"What if it does?" There, he'd said it. He finally let himself voice his own fear.

Mark took a deep breath, trying to figure out the right response. "You made it through the first time, and you'd do it again. The two of you, you have like nine lives or something. Meredith's not going anywhere."

"Mark."

"I know," He put his hand on his shoulder. "I get it. You're scared. That's reasonable. But don't let this bullshit about abortion be the reason you two screw up everything you have."

Derek sighed, knowing he was right. "Yeah." He glanced at the clock. "I've got a surgery." He tossed his coffee cup into a nearby trashcan and headed down the hallway.

"You look like someone killed your dog." Cristina found her best friend later that morning, wandering the hospital halls instead of looking for surgical cases.

"Derek and I are fighting."

"You and McDreamy fight?" She looked skeptical. "About what?"

"About Addison telling me I should have an abortion because I'm too messed up to even have a baby now."

"You're knocked up?!"

"I didn't tell Derek. And he's hurt. He should be. I should have told him. And I shouldn't have considered having an abortion. I should.."

"I thought you two were done with babies."

"Birth control has a failure rate. Like the tiniest fricken failure rate in the world."

"But you're having an abortion."

"I'm having a baby." Meredith sighed, walking into an on-call room with her. She shut the door. "Addison told me to have an abortion. I couldn't do it. But now Derek's mad, and he walked out without saying goodbye."

"Oh please." Cristina rolled her eyes. "By lunch he'll be following you around like some kind of lost puppy. You two don't know the meaning of fighting."

"This time he really is hurt, Cristina. I was thinking about doing it, without talking to him."

"So what?!" She shrugged. "It's your body. You do what you want with it. He doesn't get to act like you're some sort of criminal. Your body doesn't do babies well. It freaks out and tries to kill you."

"Thanks."

"Sorry." Cristina frowned. "Look, it's going to be fine. The two of you, you're always fine."

"Not this time. This time he's really pissed."

"He's McDreamy, Meredith. He's stupid in love with you. Trust me. He doesn't even have the ability to stay mad. And you, you need to stop blaming yourself for considering something that would have protected your body. There's nothing wrong with that. If you want to have an abortion, he should support you."

"I don't. I don't want to have an abortion, Cristina. I just don't want to die."

"You're not going to die." She rolled her eyes. "Addison may be annoying as hell, but she's really good at what she does."

"Addison's not here, and I doubt Derek would let her come this time anyway."

"Derek's going to have to get over himself. Really. He has to stop looking at things from only the way he sees them."

"Cristina."

"I'm serious. This isn't a black and white thing. Your fears, they are legit. And yeah, probably a bit skewed because of everything you went through, but still, you're not some crazed maniac who has no basis for anything you're feeling. This is a serious thing. And you two need to sit down and talk about this before you make any decisions. I know we don't do this...serious discussions and stuff. But this time, I'm telling you, you have to sit down with him and talk about this."

"I know," She sighed, glancing down when her pager went off. "I have to go." She got up, heading down the hall to check on her patient.

*Revised 6/2017


	4. We're Having a Baby

**Thank you guys for the great reviews so far! I'm glad everyone is enjoying the story.**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Four**

Derek crawled into bed hours after Meredith that night, delayed by a surgery that he hadn't expected to run over. He knew she was long asleep, so he was surprised when she rolled over and opened her eyes. "Craniotomy ran long." He explained before she had the chance to ask. "Go back to sleep."

"Can't really sleep," She mumbled, blinking a few times before she propped herself up on her elbow. "Derek, I'm so sorry, for not telling you about the baby as soon as I knew. I should have."

"It's not your fault, Mer." He sighed, watching her. "If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. I screwed up. I got scared, and I took it out on you. None of this is your fault. You called Addison because she's your friend, and she's been there through all of this. I can't hold it against you. And even though I don't agree with it, I understand why you might have considered the abortion when she mentioned it."

Relief washed over her. It was rare that they fought, but when they did, she struggled. Derek was part of her. He was her second half. Anger between the two of them hurt her more than she really ever cared to admit. "I would never have done it, Derek."

"I know." He pulled her gently into his arms, kissing the top of her head. "I wasn't there for you this morning, and I'm sorry. I know you needed me to..."

It was her turn to cut him off, "You can't always be McDreamy," She pointed out, a small smile on her face. "It's okay if you screw up sometimes."

"So I get a pass this time?" He smiled.

"You get a pass." She verified.

"How are you feeling? Are you feeling okay?"

Meredith couldn't help but laugh a little. "Cristina said this would happen."

"Cristina said what would happen?" He grinned, amused.

"Nothing, it's nothing. Just, that we wouldn't fight long. That you wouldn't, couldn't, stay mad at me."

"Cristina knows you're pregnant."

"Yeah. Sorry, I..."

"It's okay, Mer. I told Mark."

"Mark?" She frowned. "Derek."

"I know, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking." He already regretted it.

"The whole hospital is going to know." She groaned. "Derek."

"Mer," There was a small smile on his face. It had always amused him, how worried she seemed to get about the things he wasn't really bothered by. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, I think." She frowned after answering him. "What if that's bad? Do you think that's bad, that I'm not feeling sick? I felt sick, with Grayson and Weston. I'm not feeling sick. What if..."

"Breathe," He reached over, letting his hand rest gently on her stomach. "It's still really early. I'm sure everything is fine."

"I'm scared, Derek, but that doesn't mean I don't want this baby."

"I know." He assured her. "This is our baby, Meredith. Whether we planned it or not, and whether or not we're both worried, we both would be..."

"You're scared?" She frowned. She had never considered, even for a second, that he might have his own fears. Meredith had been so wrapped up in her own trauma that her husband's feelings hadn't really crossed her mind. Guilt washed over her.

Derek watched her, choosing his words carefully. "Weston's birth was traumatic for both of us. I almost lost you."

"What if it happens again?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"I don't know." He admitted. "We should talk to Addison, I guess."

Meredith was relieved to her hear name cross his lips. She'd been so sure he was going to demand she not be involved considering what had happened. "We can't ask her to come here again though, not like last time."

"If I know Addison, she'll come anyway." He insisted. "She's been here through both of your pregnancies. I don't see her bowing out on this one."

"Yeah, but Derek, it isn't fair to her. She has a practice there, and it's a waste of her time to come all the way here for me."

"Meredith, whether we like it or not, this pregnancy is high risk. I want to be sure that you and this baby are safe. I'm not going to believe that until she says it's so."

She sighed, knowing it was impossible to argue with him once he got to that point. "I'll call her. But she's not going to be able to determine placenta placement until at least twelve weeks."

"Maybe you could ask her to come do your anatomy scan at twenty weeks."

Meredith considered it. "Okay." She relented. "Derek...I really am sorry, about everything."

"I know." He pulled her into his arms, trailing his fingers over her arm. "Get some sleep." He whispered.

"I love you," She started to drift off, closing her eyes again.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

"You're doing that thing again."

"What thing?" She frowned, the fingers that had been crumpling the paper beneath her falling still.

"That thing," He grinned, amused. "Ruining their table."

"They replace this paper, neat freak." She made a face at him. "I can't be the only nervous person that's been in this office."

"But you might be the only adult that rips the paper on the table." He teased.

"You have a death wish, Derek Shepherd. I'm convinced of it."

Their playful banter was interrupted by the young OB resident who walked into the room. "Hi," She had a smile on her face as she introduced herself. "I'm Macy Walters. I'm filling in for Dr. Hughes today. She had an emergency come up."

Meredith sighed. She'd been looking forward to meeting the doctor Addison had recommended they see. She was a friend, and she'd felt comfortable Dr. Hughes could take care of them almost as well as she could. "Meredith Shepherd." Reluctantly, she shook her hand. They'd waited almost a month to get this appointment, and now it seemed like a waste. The girl in front of her didn't look like she was old enough to be out of medical school.

The young doctor could see their disappointment, and she quickly tried to smooth things over. "Dr. Hughes will want to see you soon, I'm sure. Usually when this happens the nurse will try to fit you in before your next appointment."

Meredith was quiet as she listened to the usual first appointment speech, her attention mostly on the ultrasound machine when an image finally came up on the screen. She could immediately see the tiny flicker of the baby's heartbeat, and tears filled her eyes before a word was said.

"Baby looks beautiful," She spent no more than a couple of minutes taking some measurements, jotting a few things down in Meredith's chart before turning her attention to the couple in front of her. "Ultrasound measurements put you right at ten weeks." She smiled.

"And everything is okay?"

"It's too early for the placenta to show up." She confirmed what they already knew. "But Dr. Hughes should be able to tell you placement at your next appointment. And from what I could see, everything looks great. Dr. Montgomery had some notes sent over regarding your last birth." She looked through a couple of things in her chart. "You mentioned you had been feeling pretty good, physically." She paused, setting her chart down. "What about emotionally? Any problems with increased anxiety?"

Meredith sighed, wishing she could just walk out of the appointment. It was hard enough with Derek hovering every day, her therapist constantly insisting she continue to come once a week, and her own fears screaming at her. Now she couldn't even have an appointment with her obstetrician without being grilled about whether or not she was crazy. She was relieved when Derek saved her.

"Meredith's doing fine. She's seeing a therapist to work through all of this." He couldn't help but feel protective over his wife, even though he knew she was big enough to stand on her own two feet. He looked down at the ultrasound picture the doctor had printed out, his heart hammering in his chest. Despite the relief and joy he felt in knowing their baby was healthy, it was a struggle. He'd gone to Meredith's appointments with her the last few times, just so they could both work together on the overwhelming task of coming to terms with her pregnancy, and it had helped. The crippling anxiety that had initially left him almost unable to have any happiness toward the baby at all had faded in the last weeks, and he felt like they were both coming to a place where they had accepted it and were starting to look forward to having a second child. Still, Derek realized it would always be a process, and emotions that he hadn't expected bubbled up as he sat there in that office with his wife.

For Meredith, there was huge relief in getting to ten weeks with no crisis. She'd had morning sickness, she'd been tired, she'd been cranky and had a difficult time keeping food in her stomach, but she'd made it. There hadn't been any unexpected trips to the emergency room, any bleeding, any cramping, or an unexpected cause for concern. Their baby was growing right on track and had a beautiful heartbeat. So far so good, and it felt like an enormous weight had already been lifted from her shoulders. The next hurdle was the biggest one, though, and despite her joy, it hovered over her. She wouldn't be able to exhale until someone told her that her placenta was well away from her two previous c-section scars and her cervix. If that happened, she felt like maybe she could enjoy this pregnancy, and really start to look forward to having another baby. "When do we need to come back?" She was ready to go. The appointment hadn't been a total waste because they had seen their baby and a reassuring heartbeat, but she knew there wasn't going to be anything useful that happened. The waiting started over now, and she wasn't looking forward to that.

"Your next appointment will be scheduled a month from now. But Dr. Hughes will likely try to see you sometime this week, just so she can meet you and see everything for herself. Unless of course you would just like to wait."

"No, that's fine." Meredith sat up, looking over at Derek. She could see his wheels spinning, hoping that his thoughts weren't all bad.

"It was nice to meet you both." The young doctor smiled and shook their hands again before leaving.

"Guess this means we're having a baby."

Derek smiled. "I'd like to have a girl."

"A girl would be nice." Meredith couldn't argue with that. One of each would be the perfect family. If they had a girl, she knew she'd be genuinely done having babies. Even if she didn't, this was it for her. They'd already talked about permanent steps after the baby was born. They were surgeons. They didn't need a house full of children. Two was enough. Two was perfect. Meredith liked the thought of a family of four.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

"Have you seen my scrub cap?" Derek pulled his scrub top on, frowning as he scanned the top of his dresser again. Baseballs, solids, and fish. No ferryboats.

Meredith reached down, retrieving the small object from Weston who was happily sitting on the floor, oblivious to the fact that his dad had been looking for his now taken chew toy. He whined in protest, looking up at Meredith. "Might want to let it dry," She grinned, handing it over.

Derek glanced at the damp ends, no doubt the ones his son had in his mouth. "Thanks." He couldn't help but smile, stopping just short of tucking it into his pocket. "Here buddy. Guess I can do without this for a day."

Weston shrieked happily as his father handed the cap back to him, immediately returning the fabric to his mouth.

"I guess he inherited your love for ferryboats." Meredith laughed, pulling her hair up into a ponytail.

"It's hard not to love them." Derek pulled his watch on before reaching down and picking the baby up from the floor. "Come on buddy. Lets go find you something to do while we wait on Miss. Susie to get here." It was the last week for their nanny. They'd made a decision, with Weston reaching seven months old, to put him in the hospital daycare. Meredith still worried that their shifts were too crazy so they'd agreed to keep her on call if needed, but Derek was determined to try and figure out a more normal schedule for his family. He knew his son was happy and healthy at home, but he wanted him getting the social interaction that went along with being around other kids.

"Are we riding together?" Meredith followed them downstairs, grabbing Weston's quilt from the basket next to their fireplace. She spread it across the floor, tossing some toys down for him to play with though she could tell that Derek's scrub cap would provide at least a few more minutes of entertainment.

"Unless you have some super secret surgeries planned for this afternoon that I don't know about." Derek kissed the top of the baby's head, setting him down on the floor.

"That would be a no." Meredith laughed. "If anyone has surprise cutting happening, it's always you."

"We'll ride together. It will give me an excuse to leave on time."

"That face right there should give you an excuse to leave on time." She laughed as she watched Weston try to stuff one side of the scrub cap all the way into his mouth.

"You can wash that thing, right?"

"So you mean you don't like wearing drool?"

Derek laughed. "Not so much. Cute as he may be." He noticed the sudden change in her expression, and the smile faded from his face. "You okay?"

Meredith looked up from the deep breath she'd taken, her hand resting on her stomach. "Round ligament pain." She frowned, noticing his worried expression. "Didn't expect the laughing to do it this time."

"You're sure that's all it was?" He took a couple of steps toward her, his hand placed on top of hers. Two more weeks had passed, and twelve weeks into her pregnancy she was still holding strong. Things were going smoothly, and he almost felt like it was too good to be true. They'd opted to wait on meeting doctor Hughes, and suddenly Derek was regretting that their appointment was another two weeks away.

"I'm sure," An amused grinned crossed Meredith's face. "I've had a perfect pregnancy, and you're white as a sheet over one little wince."

"Glad I can entertain you." He shook his head, brushing his lips across hers with a small smile. "I'll always worry, Mer. I love you too much not to."

"Baby and I are great." She assured him. "I promise."

"Okay." he smiled, looking up when the door bell rang.

 **\- GA - GA - GA -**

"Have you heard about the serial killer?"

"What serial killer?" Meredith frowned, flipping her patient's chart open as she stood at the nurse's station with Cristina.

"Seriously? Is there so much sex in your house that the two of you don't ever turn the news on?"

Meredith laughed. "No that much sex. Not now that I'm pregnant."

"There's a serial killer here in Seattle. He's killed like six people."

"Just like, goes into their home and shoots them, or what?" She frowned when she noticed the vitals the nurse had recorded overnight. Seeing a patient going downhill was never something she wanted to start her day off with.

"Picks them at random. Stabs them. In public. Or I guess, sort of public. Doesn't go into their houses or anything. Police have no idea who he is."

"Comforting."

"Don't go getting all freaked out." Cristina frowned. "He's not an idiot. He's not going to walk into a hospital full of people and start..."

"Okay, this conversation is weird. And my patient is dying." She sighed.

"I just thought it was interesting."

"That there's a serial killer in Seattle?" Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "Maybe you and Owen aren't having enough sex, if you have this much time. You know, to watch the news."

"Owen's mad I told him I didn't want to be on his service last week. So he's punishing me."

"With no sex." Meredith grinned, glancing over the rest of the notes in her patient's chart.

"With no sex." Cristina confirmed. "You and Derek have more sex than we do. With a kid. And one in the oven."

"Derek has a gift."

"Gross."

"I have to go keep my patient from dying." Meredith closed the chart, walking into the room across the hallway.

"There you are."

"Chief." Derek looked up from the surgical schedule board as Richard Webber walked over.

"I've been trying to find you all morning."

"Can't take any new cases today. I promised Meredith I would leave with her. On Time. Our nanny can't stay late."

"Relax, Shepherd. It's not about a case this time. There's a conference coming up in a couple of weeks here in Seattle. They want the top surgeons in their fields to be there. I volunteered you."

Derek put down the marker in his hand, stopping in the middle of changing the time for one of his surgeries. "What do I have to do?"

"Find something to talk about. Can be whatever you want. Your slot is two hours."

"Two hours." Derek frowned.

"Two hours is nothing, Derek."

"Who else did you volunteer?"

"Hunt."

"Is he going to do it? When is this again?"

"Two weeks. July fifth. I think you're schedule to speak in the morning. But it's an all day thing."

For some reason, the date sounded familiar to him. "July fifth is Meredith's next appointment." He suddenly remembered.

"Derek, I need you to be there. At this conference. I'm sure Meredith will be fine on her own."

"We were supposed to meet her doctor for the first time." Derek sighed. He could tell he wasn't going to get out of going. He just hoped Meredith would understand.

"I thought Addison was her doctor." Richard seemed confused.

"She is. Or, sort of is. But we're seeing Dr. Hughes in the meantime."

"Anne Hughes?"

"Yeah." Derek finished fixing the time on the board, setting the marker on the nurses's station when he was done. "You know her?"

"I've known her for years. Tried to get her to take a full-time position here, but she's in high demand. Hospital budget wasn't enough to pay her what she's making across town."

"So she's good then." Derek was relieved.

"No one is as good as your ex-wife, but I'd be confident that Meredith is in good hands. Anne Hughes reserves her time for only the highest risk cases, so I'd say the two of you are lucky to be able to see her."

Derek could tell Richard was still hanging around waiting on a definitive answer. "I'll be at the conference, chief. Thank you for thinking of me." He knew that ultimately his friend had only asked him to go in order to put on a good face for the hospital, and really he didn't mind. He just didn't want to let his wife down.

*Revised 6/2017


	5. Before My World Stopped

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Five**

"No offense, but you look terrible." Cristina glanced over to her friend from where they stood in the cafeteria, hoping the coffee was decent. A missed alarm meant no Starbucks. It was already a crappy start to the day.

"Late night." Meredith grabbed her cup of coffee but almost immediately regretted it. "You want mine?" She handed it over.

"Don't tell me the two of you..."

"Not everything is about sex." Meredith groaned, running a hand over her stomach. "I think this baby hates me. I go twelve weeks with nothing, and now I feel like someone's trying to rip my uterus out of my body."

"Sounds like some demented science-fiction movie." Still, Cristina glanced over at her friend, giving her a quick glance to confirm that she was okay.

"Don't tell Derek the baby hates me."

"Like he won't figure that out for himself." Cristina headed to the elevator with her. "He checks on you like every hour. Or worse."

"He doesn't check on me." Meredith pushed the button on the wall. "He just likes to say hi."

"In a creepy, stalker sort of way."

"Hear any new gossip on this serial killer?"

"I forgot the two of you live under a rock." She pushed the button for floor two once they were on the elevator, satisfied when the doors closed without anyone else joining them.

"So?"

"Another person died yesterday. This time a man. But they think he was protecting his wife or something. Guy's too much of a coward to go after anyone his own size."

"What good are police if they can't even figure out who this guy is?"

"It's too bad he kills them. We'd be getting some good cases if he left them alive."

"Cristina!" Despite her disapproval, Meredith couldn't help her amused smile.

"Things have been boring lately. We need...something."

"I should have stayed home today," Meredith mumbled, rubbing her stomach as it screamed at her again.

"You better not throw up on me."

"I'm not going to throw up."

"Right." Cristina regarded her skeptically.

"Maybe I will." She stepped off the elevator, slowly, trying to decide if she was going to make it to the bathroom before her body betrayed her. In the end, a trashcan did the trick.

"Grey!" Bailey rounded the corner just as she lifted her head. "Do I need to send you home for the day?"

"I'm fine, Dr. Bailey." She didn't know if she was trying to convince her boss or herself.

"McBaby hates her." Cristina clarified.

"Kind of late to be getting morning sickness." Bailey watched her for a minute, contemplating whether or not she was getting the full truth.

"Really, Dr. Bailey, it's nothing." She frowned at the returning cramping in her stomach.

"You be careful, Grey. I don't need your husband yelling because I didn't have someone check you out."

"Please don't tell Derek." She sighed.

"No need. That man will come looking for you all on his own." Bailey rolled her eyes, pausing for a minute before ultimately deciding to go check on her patients. She hoped Meredith Shepherd was smart enough to take care of herself, though she doubted it. New surgical residents were all the same. Far too eager to get ahead. Not enough interest in taking care of themselves.

"Even Bailey knows he babysits you." Cristina grinned.

"Okay, seriously?" Meredith frowned, shaking her head. "Look, I'm fine. I'm pregnant, and my baby hates me today. That's all. I don't need everyone walking around like I'm going to break or something."

"You're absolutely right. How unreasonable for us to be concerned. Since you have such a great track record and all." Cristina rolled her eyes, glancing down as her pager went off. "This might actually be a good case."

Meredith watched as she left, thankful for the quiet. She had a couple of patients she had to check on before she even thought about going home, though that still wasn't really an option. The last couple of years had taken her away from her career too much as it was. She was playing catch-up, big time. She couldn't afford to let an angry baby in her uterus stop her.

As it would turn out, none of it mattered anyway. Her phone rang a couple of hours later, and her heart hammered in her chest when she saw the name that popped up. Susie. Their nanny never called, ever. She always answered when Meredith or Derek called to check on Weston, but she never initiated the contact. Meredith assumed it's because she knew how crazy their jobs could be. "Susie." She stopped walking, leaning against a wall in the hallway outside of Derek's OR.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry to bother you." Susie's worried voice came through from the other side of the phone. "Weston's sick. He's been fussy all morning, hasn't wanted to eat, and his temperature is up to 103. I gave him some tylenol, but it's not coming down much. He just seems miserable."

Surgeon or not, being a mom made you worry about every little thing when it came to your baby. "103? Is he lethargic? Is he crying non-stop?" She glanced at the clock, sighing when she realized she wasn't even halfway through her shift. "I'm on my way home. Or, do you need to bring him here? Do you think he needs to come to the ER?"

Susie wanted to remind her she was the doctor, but instead she kept it simple. "I think he just needs you, or Derek. I'm fine keeping him, but I knew you would want to know."

"No, I do. I...are you sure he's okay?"

"He's not lethargic. I didn't give the medicine too long ago, so hopefully it just needs more time to work."

"Okay. I'll be there in just a few minutes. Call me if he gets worse." Meredith hung up, worry overshadowing how crappy she was feeling. "Sorry I blamed you." She mumbled, running her hand over her stomach. "Seems like this isn't your fault. Your brother and I have some kind of virus. Probably. A bunch of crap, considering how much work I needed to catch up on."

"Hey," Derek stepped out of the scrub room, smiling when he saw his wife in the hallway.

"Weston's sick."

"What kind of sick?" He frowned. "Do I need to go home?" He'd scratch every surgery he had for the entire day if something was wrong with his son.

"No, I'm going. I have it too."

"Have what?" He reached out, putting a hand to her forehead when he noticed how bad she looked. "You're burning up, Mer."

"I know." She sighed. "I blamed the baby."

"Blamed the baby for what?" He was confused. "For these crappy stomach cramps, and the throwing up."

"Oh, Mer. I'm sorry." He sighed, pulling her into his arms. "Go home. Get some rest."

"Weston's fever is 103. Susie said he wasn't lethargic, but..."

"He'll be okay, Mer. 103 isn't terrible. If he gets worse, call me."

"He's never been sick before." She protested.

"It was bound to happen at some point." He pointed out, running his hand over her hair. "Will you two be okay by yourselves? I've got a craniotomy at one, but I can get someone else to take the case if I need to."

"No, it's okay." She assured him. "We'll be fine. People have survived stomach bugs before. I don't want you to get it."

"I'm pretty sure last night's activities have already exposed me." He grinned.

"You're such a man." She laughed, looking up at him. "Better hope you don't start puking your guts up."

"If I do, I'll blame you. For seducing me."

"Right." She laughed. "Because you need so much effort to get yourself going. You and your stupid boy penis."

Derek laughed, really laughed, grinning when he saw her blush as a few orderlies glanced their way. "Go home and rest, Mer. Let me know if I can bring home something for you guys tonight."

Despite being sick and being worried about Weston, Meredith smiled as she walked out of the hospital. She'd hit the jackpot with her husband, even if being with him did mean they'd gone through more in a few short years than most went through in a lifetime.

The afternoon wasn't nearly as much fun as the morning, though. Meredith spent the first few hours at home trying to take care of Weston and avoid throwing up all over him. It proved to be more difficult than she'd expected. "How do people do this?" She mumbled, realizing in that moment she would never be the stay at home mom type.

She sighed as she sunk into the couch, watching as her son slept peacefully in his swing for the first time since she'd gotten home. "Please stay asleep." She whispered. "Please. Just for a few minutes." She hated hearing him cry, and that was pretty much all he'd done since she'd walked in the door. Her ears needed the break. Just as she was about to close her own eyes, she heard the sound of keys on the back door. "Derek?"

"Hey." He smiled.

Confusion showed on her face. "What time is it?" She glanced at the clock. There's no way he'd done his surgery. "I thought you had a craniotomy."

"Gave it to someone else. I didn't want you here doing everything by yourself."

"You're sweet." She smiled a bit, stretching out across the couch. She rested her head on one of their throw pillows.

"Rest." He whispered, grabbing the blanket from the back of their chair. He laid it over her, letting his hand rest on her forehead for a minute. "You still have fever. Did you take something?"

"Didn't want to." She admitted. "Because of the baby."

"Mer," Derek frowned. "Not taking something isn't good for the baby either. "If it was just low-grade...but really, you need some Tylenol."

"Okay," She conceded, mostly because she knew he was right, and she was too tired to argue.

He disappeared to the kitchen, coming back minutes later with two white pills, some water, and a couple of crackers since he was sure she hadn't eaten.

"Thanks." She mumbled, sitting up just enough to take the medicine. She nibbled on a couple of bites of one cracker, mostly just so she wouldn't hurt his feelings. "Thanks for coming home, to take care of us."

"You're welcome, Mer." He smiled and leaned over, kissing the top of her head. "Get some sleep." He headed upstairs to change clothes.

Meredith rolled over and closed her eyes, drifting off within minutes. Things were nice. They were peaceful. If only she'd known what was ahead. Sleep would have been far more difficult to come by.

 **As always, please let me know what you think!**

*Revised 6/2017


	6. So Much Blood

**This story is about to take a huge shift. Brace yourself. Hang in there with me. We're entering some dark times for Meredith and Derek.**

 **** WARNING** This chapter is HEAVY. The scenes are intense. The subject matter is intense**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Six**

"There's some crazy guy in exam three. Like, legitimately...One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Which is why he and his wife got their own room. Bypassed a curtain."

Meredith grinned, stopping mid-stride. "You suddenly take an interest in psych cases?"

"He had some story. Some man comes to him in visions or something? Something about how he knows I killed all of those people.."

"You talked to him?" She almost laughed.

"His wife brought him here. Insisted that he has a brain bleed, or a tumor. Or, I don't know. Something other than a serious mental disorder."

"But he doesn't?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "I mean, he better hope so. Because otherwise he's just legitimately off his rocker. And we get today of all days to be stuck down here. With crazy pants. Telling me all about the people I've slaughtered."

"Right." Meredith glanced toward exam three.

"And now you're up." She shoved the chart into her hands. "Neuro consult. You know, on account of the tumor he probably doesn't have."

"Fantastic." Despite clearly drawing the very short end of the stick, nothing could really burst her bubble, not today anyway. Yesterday she and Derek had met Dr. Hughes for the first time. She'd done an ultrasound and had assured them that Meredith's placenta would pose no problem this time around. It was fundal, which meant pretty much as far away from her cervix as it could possibly get. Dr. Hughes had promised them that it would be impossible at fourteen weeks for her to be wrong about that. Derek had cried. She'd never forget seeing tears sliding down his cheeks. They had dodged every bullet so far. It almost seemed like it was too good to be true.

"Just don't talk to him. Maybe you can get in and out fast." Cristina grinned.

"You're enjoying this, way too much." Meredith glanced over the notes in the chart, taking a deep breath before walking into the patient's room. "Mr. Baker." She set his chart on the counter. "I'm Dr. Grey. I was asked to speak to you. It's my understanding that your wife." She glanced at the quiet woman in the corner. "That your wife is concerned you may have something going on with your brain."

"They said I had to do it." He didn't even seem to notice her, talking as if she wasn't standing there in front of him, talking as if she hadn't said a word. "Said I had to save them. And I did. I did save them. And so did she. She saved them, and then they were quiet. It was done. We'd won. We'd solved the riddle. And they were saved. But more will come. More will..."

Meredith frowned, watching him for a moment. She took note of his pupils. Normal. She glanced at his vitals on the monitor. Normal. Cristina was right. They needed a psych consult.

"There's something wrong with him." His wife suddenly spoke up. "He fell. He said he fell...months ago." She paused as if struggling to remember. "Two months ago, he fell. He was painting the baby's room." Her hand moved to her obviously not pregnant stomach. "But then...we lost her. And...he's been...something's wrong with him. My friend said Derek Shepherd worked here. That he was the best. That he could get this tumor out of his brain. That he could..."

"Mrs. Baker." Meredith frowned. She felt for the woman, she really did. She knew exactly what it was like to lose a child, and her heart broke as she watched tears slide down the woman's cheeks. "Dr. Shepherd does work here. But I don't think..."

"They're everywhere, you know." Adam was staring as if he was looking through her. "And they will keep coming. They will just keep coming. Until we're all gone. Until we can't be saved."

The distraught woman interrupted, though her husband kept rambling. She dropped a backpack she'd been clutching onto the chair behind her before getting up and meeting Meredith's gaze. "Please. You have to believe me. He's not crazy. He's not. We've been married for five years. Something's wrong. He fell. He fell when he was painting. I brought all the evidence."

Meredith started to get a feeling in her gut. It was one she couldn't place. Something was wrong. Something was off. And maybe it was just that these two people were deep in grief, being swallowed up by the devastation of losing their baby. But she couldn't shake the warning bells. "What happened, to the baby?" She asked quietly, trying to piece everything together.

The woman grew quiet, looking at the ground. "I fell down the stairs."

Meredith didn't push for more answers. Her eyes glanced to the backpack sitting in the chair against the wall. "You said you brought evidence."

"He had a knife. From the kitchen. We used it to carve turkey."

"A butcher knife." Meredith was starting to feel like she was in some sort of alternate universe. "You brought a butcher knife, as evidence." She said it only because she was seeking some clarification.

"Because I wanted to show you. I wanted to show it to you so you would understand that this isn't him. That there's something in his brain, something making him crazy."

"Mrs. Baker." So they were both crazy. This complicated things. "Why don't you come with me." She glanced at Adam who was still sitting there on the exam table. She wasn't sure he had moved even a finger since she'd walked into the room. "We'll find Dr. Shepherd. He'll want to examine your husband without any distractions." She led her out and to the room next door, fully intending to call psych for both of them. But first, she'd honor her word. She'd get Derek to come meet the guy, but she knew what he was going to say.

"Thank you." The woman hugged her, sitting down on the exam table in the empty room. "Thank you."

Meredith found it interesting that she didn't question why she hadn't taken her to the waiting room instead. "You wait here." She smiled a bit, heading out of the room.

"So? Did you kill people too?"

"Cristina." She frowned. "Page Derek. Tell him to come meet this guy. I'm going to go talk to psych."

"You're about to miss a huge trauma. There was an explosion at an elementary school. We're accepting most of them, then closing to trauma. It's about to get good down here."

"I'll be back."

"Better hurry, because I've already called dibs on the surgical ones."

Meredith just laughed as she headed upstairs to the psych department. This day couldn't possibly get any more bizarre.

 **\- GA - GA - GA -**

"Mr. Baker." Derek had answered Cristina's page without giving a glance at the patient's chart. Things were already insane, and he planned to give a quick glance at the patient just to be sure he wasn't in immediate need of attention before he turned his time over to the trauma victims who had just been brought in. He frowned as he almost tripped on the open backpack just inside the door. "Mr. Baker?" There was no patient there. He sighed, turning to grab the man's chart from the counter. The door closed behind him. Confusion swept over him when he saw Meredith's notes for a pysch consult. It made no sense. He'd been paged. To exam three. And here he was, in exam three. He turned to glance around the room.

"They will come!" Adam Baker lunged at Derek before he'd turned toward him completely, butcher knife burying itself into the side of his chest. He didn't seem to notice the gasp of the surgeon in front of him, didn't seem phased as a shaky hand made it's way to the handle of the knife, eyes wide, face pale.

Derek stumbled, almost unable to register pain at first. His hand found its way to the knife in his side, almost as if on autopilot. His knees began to buckle, color draining from his body as the room began to spin. Fingers connected with a stickiness spreading across his shirt. It was warm. Finally he looked down, realization washing over him as he jerked back. "P...pl...please..M...Mr...Baker..." Words almost wouldn't come. Why couldn't he talk? Why wouldn't his brain work? Something in the back of his mind told him not to let the man pull the handle, told him not to let the man take the knife out of his gutted body. He'd bleed to death. There would be too much blood.

But it was too late. "They must be saved!" The knife was jerked out, only to be plunged into the man's stomach just before he crumpled to the ground. Adam Baker stood for a moment, almost admiring what he'd done. He watched as blood pooled on the floor. He watched as the man stared at the ceiling, an empty-ness filling his eyes. He watched as his hands twitched for a moment, almost as if they were trying to reach the knife. Then they stopped. His breath hitched, and he watched as he gasped, blood starting to drip from the corner of his mouth. Then he was still. He was still because he'd saved them. He'd saved them all. From the man. Just like the others. Six others. He'd killed them too. To save the people.

Adam Baker walked out of exam three, hands buried in his pockets. He took slow and deliberate steps until he reached the doors of the hospital. From there it was a matter only of which way to go. He chose left, his steps quickening as he left.

"You discharged the psych guy?" Cristina caught Meredith in the hallway on her way upstairs with a patient. It was a brief passing really, only enough for her friend to answer with a deeply confused look on her face.

"What are you talking about? I'm waiting on psych to come down and see him."

"Oh. Don't think that's going to happen." She stepped onto the elevator, calling out just before the doors closed. "I just saw him leave."

"Great." Meredith mumbled, ripping her gloves from her hands and tossing them into the trashcan. She'd have to let someone else take the next incoming trauma. If the guy was gone, that left exam three empty, and God knows they needed the room. There were kids everywhere. She was glad the chief had only agreed to take four major traumas, but it was still absolute chaos around her, and if she had one wish she would snap her fingers and make another six surgeons appear. There were no nurses available to clean the room, so she figured she do it herself. She cursed as her feet hit something on the way in, frowning as she tried to kick it out of the way. "This day is..." Meredith's gaze moved down to the floor, the floor where her husband was. He looked...still. He...for a moment she couldn't register everything. She saw the knife. She saw the blood. Her breath hitched. Silence engulfed the room. Then suddenly, from somewhere buried deep inside of her, an anguished scream she didn't even recognize erupted from her lips as she dropped next to him on the floor. "Derek!"

Derek fought. He fought hard, so hard, to open his eyes. He could feel her hands against him, could hear the screams from the back of her throat. He'd never heard her scream like that before. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard anyone scream like that before. Then he recognized his own voice. Broken. Disconnected, pained. A desperate groan of anguish came from his own body. He could feel her fingers inside of him, between his ribs. In that first stab wound. He wanted her to stop. She was hurting him. She was...that hurt. It hurt, and he needed her to stop.

"Hold on, Derek! You hold on!" She desperately tried to find a way to pinch off the artery that had been severed, desperately tried to find a way not to let him bleed out in front of her. She screamed again. Someone had to find them. Someone had to come. He was going to die. He was dying, in front of her. Meredith watched as blood poured from his mouth. "Oh, God." Again, another scream. "Derek. DEREK!"

 **I'm holding my breath for your reaction. Please, if you don't leave a review on one other chapter in this story, please leave one here. I need to know what you guys are thinking.**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	7. Author's Note - Don't Panic!

**Author's Note:**

 **Okay, I can tell from reviews so far that some of you are upset with what just happened.**

 **First and foremost, if you've followed me through this series of stories, you know me by now. You know I'm not going to write a big fluffy story where everyone is happy. You know that there is always some kind of health crisis or a tragedy in each story. You know I take my characters into a dark place and then slowly pull them out again.**

 **Most importantly, you know that I bring Derek and Meredith through these journeys together, and in the end, they are stronger and closer for it.**

 **I've watched Grey's since the beginning, all the way up until Derek's death and the end of the season. I likely won't watch it anymore because that was the line that I couldn't deal with being crossed. But, that darn show is never bright and shiny. And yet, we still love it and have always gone back to it.**

 **So, all of this to say...stick with this. Trust me. I'm not Shonda. I still haven't gotten over that horrible scene of Derek dying an awful death.**

 **I don't have that planned here.**

 **The next chapter is mostly finished. If there's still any interest in the story, I will post it. So far I have two reviews, and I'm not sure if either of you will continue to read. I don't want to just post this story into the universe for no one to enjoy, so I'll wait and see if you guys want to read the rest.**

 **As always, I appreciate the feedback :)**


	8. Please Don't Go

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the reviews and requests for me to continue this story. I've put so much thought and work into this, and it makes me happy to know you guys are enjoying it.**

 **Derek's entering the fight of his life, so this serves as a warning that the next few chapters will be tough. I don't have plans to rush this story-line, so he won't be whole and healed for quite some time.**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Seven**

"Meredith!" Mark tried, again, pulling her back.

"Meredith." His voice was gentle. He didn't trust himself to say much more. He'd break down. He knew he would. He'd fall apart, and she didn't need that. Shep didn't need that.

"I'm not leaving him!" Her scream pierced the chaos of the trauma room, and she wanted to yell at Hunt not to cut his pants off too. Derek wouldn't want that. Derek wouldn't want to be exposed like that. "Stop. Please. Stop." Her breath hitched. She watched the blue material fall to the floor. His boxers fell on top of them. She'd teased him that morning about wearing those. About how they were his favorite. "Please. He...he doesn't have, he's naked." Her body finally betrayed her, and she threw up right there on top of his clothes.

Owen was relieved when Mark simply picked her up and carried her out of the room. Mark was ready for her to fight him, and he didn't put her down until she was still. Only then did he carefully deposit her onto the floor, his hands going to her shoulders when she wobbled. "Lexie." He glanced to her. "Help Meredith take a shower and get some clean clothes on." There was so much blood on her scrubs that he almost forgot she wasn't the one that had been stabbed. A glance down at his shirt told him he needed to change too.

"I can't leave him." A strangled cry came from Meredith, even as she followed Lexie down the hallway. "I have to be with him." Her voice was distant, though her sobs continued. "I can't leave him. I have to be with Derek."

"I know." Lexie didn't try to stop her own tears. "I know. And you can be with him, Meredith. Just as soon as we get you out of these clothes." She tried to be as gentle as she could with her sister, standing outside the shower as she rinsed the blood off. Lexie tried not to imagine it going down the drain. She tried not to think about how much blood Derek Shepherd had lost. She'd heard some of the nurses whispering about how he'd die, about how there was no way they would be able to save him. A deep sadness washed over her, only growing when her sister stepped out, naked aside from the towel she haphazardly held in front of her. "Here," Shaky hands handed Meredith a new set of scrubs.

Meredith felt numb as she pulled her pants on, hands too shaky to tie them off. She left them, unfolding the shirt Lexie had handed to her. Something fell to the floor. Derek's ferryboat scrub cap. Her sobbing returned. Shirt came over her head and she barely pulled it on before snatching the item from the floor, quickly wringing it in her hands. Her eyes found Lexie's.

"I had April get it...from his desk. I thought you might want it. I thought..." She didn't even know what she thought anymore. She had no idea what to say, or what to do. She didn't need Meredith to say anything to know she was grateful. She could see it in her eyes. "Come on. We'll go wait outside the trauma room."

Meredith followed her. She knew there were a hundred sets of eyes on them as they made their way back to the room where he was, and she thought about bolting through that door so she could get to him. A firm hand on her shoulder cut that idea short. "Mark."

Mark gently pulled her down to the floor, he and Lexie sitting on either side of her. "This is where he would want you." He assured her. "He'd want you right here. With him, but not there to see all of that. He wouldn't want you to worry. He'd want to know that you were okay. That you didn't have to watch them..."

"Mark," Lexie frowned. She could hear the struggle in his voice. She knew he wanted to cry.

The three of them got quiet. Meredith stared down at her hands, clinging to his scrub cap as if somehow it was going to keep him alive.

"Four units in." The nurse stood there, squeezing the bag of crimson liquid as hard as she could, forcing it through the IV tubing a hell of a lot faster than any machine could. They hadn't been able to move Derek yet. They were still trapped there in that damn trauma room. He wasn't stable enough for them to stop, even for a second. He wasn't stable enough for them to even get him upstairs to operate. Time was running out. They all knew it was. They were giving it everything they had, but most of them knew it wasn't going to matter. Most of them knew he was dying.

Miranda adjusted the settings on the ventilator, knowing they were lucky they'd been able to visualize his chords enough to even get the tube down his throat. There had been so much blood. She'd tried over and over again until she thought she was going to crumple to the floor and cry. But they'd finally gotten it, and a small victory had been won when they confirmed placement. "Owen, he's got to get upstairs."

Owen Hunt glanced at the knife still buried in his friend's abdomen. He tried not to think about how much pain Derek was in. Sedated or not, they didn't have many pain meds on board. His blood pressure and heart rate were too low for much of anything. They'd debated almost every med they'd given. Even if Derek was out of it, and breathing only because of a machine, Owen knew just by sheer science alone, that his friend was probably aware enough to feel everything. There was probably some part of his brain that registered everything they said, even if he might not ever remember it. He'd managed to use a couple of clamps to pinch off the outer artery where Derek's first wound was, but a quick ultrasound told them what they all feared. His heart had been knicked. They had to get him in to repair it or get him on bypass, or he'd be dead. They had minutes. Not tens of minutes. Just, minutes. A decision had to be made. Owen Hunt finished placing a second chest tube and let the nurse finish putting in a catheter to relieve the pressure in Derek's bladder before he looked up at the clock. "We're going now."

"Hunt." Richard Webber was unsure. He didn't think there was any way Derek would make it upstairs.

"We're going, Richard. We either go, or he dies. His heart is going to stop beating, and we aren't set up for bypass down here. We have to do something now."

Richard wanted to argue, but ultimately decided against it. There was such a small chance of Derek surviving that it didn't seem worth it to turn things into a fight amongst them. He didn't want anyone looking back and thinking they hadn't done everything they possibly could to save his life. "Has Meredith signed consents?"

"Right here." Jackson handed them over. "She signed for post surgical bypass too, in case we can't repair his heart."

Silence almost fell over the room. "Alright." Owen made sure everyone was ready, that all wires were accounted for and everyone had machines in hand before they made their way out of the room and to the elevator. "Clear this hallway, Now!"

 **\- GA - GA - GA -**

"Is Teddy here yet?" Meredith had no more tears to cry two hours later, curled up in a chair of the surgical waiting area. Cristina was holding her. She was grateful for that.

"Scrub nurse says Teddy scrubbed in about fifteen minutes ago." Mark looked over from where he sat, Lexie next to him with her head resting on his shoulder. "Everyone's here for him, Meredith." He assured her. And they were. Owen, Teddy, Richard, and Miranda were all in that operating room. He was was grateful the hospital was closed to trauma, grateful that the four critical children from the bombing had been passed off to other surgeons.

"Can someone call Susie? Someone has to take Weston tonight. I'm not...I can't go home. I, Derek would want someone to call her. He says I always wait too long. I, she was just filling in today, because Derek and I have a craniotomy at five. Did someone reschedule that? We..."

"Meredith." Cristina frowned. "We took care of it. I'll call her." She got up from the chair next to her friend, glancing at Mark.

"We'll take him tonight, Meredith." Lexie assured her. "Mark or I will leave in time to get him. And he can stay with us as long as you need. Ella will enjoy having someone to play with."

"Okay," Meredith seemed agreeable to that, thinking it over in her mind. "Okay. That's fine. You'll have to pack his things though. His blanket, and...his bottles. He has this little bear..."

"Meredith." Cristina knelt down in front of her. "We'll take care of Weston. Don't worry. You focus on Derek. I'm going to go call Susie."

"I should call his mom." Meredith mumbled after Cristina walked away.

"Lets wait until the surgery is over." Mark suggested. "Then I'll call." He leaned his head against the wall, sighing. He didn't know what they were going to do if someone walked out of that O.R. and told them Derek hadn't made it. He didn't know what Meredith was going to do. She was barely holding on. Anyone could see that.

"I think we took the knife out too soon." Teddy cursed under her breath as she fought another bleeder. "I need more suction!"

Owen glanced across the table when she yelled. "Teddy." Tensions were high. She wasn't the first and he was sure she wouldn't be the last to raise her voice. But someone had to try and be the voice of reason.

"His heart is...a mess...Owen. It's..." Her voice broke slightly, and she blinked back tears, trying to keep her attention focused on repairing the damage.

"You can do this." Miranda spoke up, catching her gaze. "We can do this." Her attention turned back to the surgical field. "We almost have his stomach repaired, then I'm going to just loop through the bowel and intestines and make sure we're okay there."

"Bleeders on our end are pretty controlled." Owen tried to give Teddy some reassurance. "How's his lung?"

"Can't tell." Teddy admitted. "I'm not going to look until I get his heart repaired. I'm not walking out there and telling Meredith that this man needs a new heart."

"Teddy, do you need us to call someone else in?" Richard had stepped back from things, more or less just monitoring Derek's vitals at this point.

"There is no one else." She said quietly. "If I can't do this...no one else will be able to either."

"Blood pressure is bottoming out again." Richard suddenly sounded concerned, taking a few steps forward. "Hunt!" The monitor's screamed their warnings.

"Because the man's lost his entire blood volume, and then some!" Miranda wanted to throw the entire table of instruments across the room. "How many units do we have in?"

"Ten units in so far." The scrub nurse spoke up quietly.

"We need to get his bleeding under control, now!" Richard knew it was really up to Teddy. If they couldn't get his heart repaired, he'd die on that table.

"Could everyone please just shut up?!" Teddy was reaching her breaking point, fighting desperately to save Derek Shepherd's life. "Come on Derek, don't do this!"

It was another few hours before someone walked out of that room. Miranda didn't have the emotional strength to look at everyone yet, Richard didn't think he could face Meredith, and Teddy was still working. They sent Hunt.

Meredith almost jumped out of her seat when she saw him turn the corner, hands shaky as she forced herself to take a couple of slow, deep breaths. Her mouth opened, but she didn't say anything. She was grateful when she felt Cristina next to her and Mark's hand on her shoulder.

Owen struggled for the right words. "He's fighting." It got easier after he saw the visible relief on their faces. "Miranda and I repaired the damage from the second knife wound, and I'm confident we have everything good there. His stomach was perforated and he had a lot of bleeding into his abdominal cavity, but his bowel and intestines looked good, which really was the best we could hope for given the circumstance. I can't speak right now to what that means for him long-term, but we'll get to that as some time goes by."

Meredith's legs felt like jello, and she would have hit the floor if it hadn't been for Mark Sloan holding her steady. "...you said Teddy was still working." She almost couldn't form the words. Something was wrong with Derek's heart. She wanted to crumple to the floor and cry. She really wanted Derek. She needed Derek there, to hold her.

"There was extensive damage done from the first wound." Owen confirmed, treading carefully. "To his lung and heart. Teddy's doing the best she can to repair it, but it's proving to be a lot more difficult than we expected. The scar tissue from his last surgery is making things more difficult, and we're still having trouble figuring out the source of his bleeding. He's on bypass now."

"Oh my God." The color washed from Meredith's face, and she fought the urge to throw up. "Please, Owen. You can't let him...you...he..."

"Meredith," Owen looked her in the eyes. "Derek is fighting. We're working hard. If we can't figure this out soon, we'll close him up and leave him on cardiac bypass. His body has been through a lot, and I don't know how much more surgery it can take."

"No. You can't just give up! You can't leave him on cardiac bypass! He'll never get a new heart in time!"

Mark pulled her closer, desperately wishing there was something he could do to comfort her, though truthfully he felt like throwing up all over the floor.

"She's right." Cristina was uncharacteristically shaken. "That's a death sentence."

"So is leaving him open on that table for hours on end, Cristina." Owen said firmly. "He is not strong enough for that. Look. I'll come back as soon as we're done...either way."

Meredith broke down when he walked away, collapsing into the chair. Sobs wracked her body. She was too devastated to notice Cristina following Dr. Hunt.

Mark and Lexie were both grateful when Meredith cried herself to sleep. She needed the rest. Lexie worried about the baby. She worried about her sister. If Derek didn't make it, or even if he did, she didn't know how long Meredith could hold up to the massive emotional stress placed on her. "Do you think he's going to die?" She finally found the courage to ask as she covered Meredith with a blanket, praying she'd sleep a while.

"I don't know." Mark admitted. "But I do know it's bad. If he does live, he's in for a hell of a recovery. Probably six months."

"Because he hasn't been through enough already." Lexie sighed.

They were both gone that evening by the time Teddy came out to talk to Meredith. They'd promised Meredith they would take care of Weston, and even though they wanted to stay until there was news, they didn't back out of their word. By then it was just Meredith and Cristina there.

"Meredith." Teddy was exhausted, but she tried to put some kind of hopeful look on her face.

"How is he?" Meredith stayed sitting, but only because she didn't trust her body to hold itself up if the news was bad.

"He's in the ICU."

"So you repaired his heart." Meredith didn't trust her own voice, trying hard not to cry so she could at least listen to what she had to say.

Teddy hesitated. "I got his heart working again. But I don't know what this means long-term. For now, he's holding his own. His heart is beating, and that's all I'm really concerned about at this very moment. But Meredith, his condition is extremely critical. We're hour to hour right now. If he makes it through the night, we can breathe...a little."

"I have to see him. Please..." Meredith took a few slow breaths.

Teddy nodded, glancing to Cristina. "You should go home. Get some sleep."

Meredith stood, following Teddy back to the ICU.

"Meredith, you need to know what kind of condition Derek is in." Teddy glanced over to her before they went through the double doors that lead to the ICU. "He's on about as much ventilator support as he can get. He has four chest tubes in, a central line, and..."

"I know what ICU patients look like." Meredith hadn't meant to snap. She was just reaching the end of her rope.

Teddy looked at her apologetically. "Okay." She knew there was no way Meredith really comprehended what it would be like to walk in there, but she didn't argue.

She was right. Meredith almost didn't make it into the room. Her legs buckled beneath her, and she was grateful when a nurse grabbed her and helped her get to the chair at his bedside. "I don't think I can do this." Her voice broke, hands shaking as the room began to spin. Her Derek was gone. The man in front of her didn't even resemble the man she loved. Aside from the expected tubes and wires, hissing of the ventilator, and beeping of the heart rate monitor, He looked almost dead. His skin was so pale it almost looked blue, and he was so still that she almost wanted to listen to his heart just to convince herself he really was alive. There was so much swelling from the fluids and surgery that she could barely recognize her husband, and she figured most of that was from his fragile cardiac status.

"You **can** do this." The nurse said gently. "This is the hardest part. This moment right here." She stayed nearby, just in case the familiar doctor in front of her got sick. "I'm going to go grab you some blankets and a pillow. I know that chair isn't the most comfortable place for sleeping, but it does kick back and sort of reclines all the way."

"Is he the worst you have?"

The nurse looked confused.

"Is he the most critical?"

A sympathetic and small smile showed up, and she nodded. "For now. But I've heard he's giving a hell of a fight to stay here with you."

Meredith's breath hitched, and she bit back a sob.

"It's okay to cry." The nurse said gently. "And you can touch his hands. And talk to him. Let him know you're here. I'll be right back."

Meredith broke down when she was alone with him. She knew everyone was tiptoeing around the truth. Derek was dying. It was a miracle he was alive at all, but unlikely he would remain that way. And she didn't know what to do, because she was sure she couldn't live one minute without him.

"Derek..." She finally gathered the courage to say something, her hand hesitantly reaching out. Her fingers brushed over the back of his hand. Tears fell faster when she felt how icy cold his skin was. "Please don't go. Please, Derek. Stay with me. Please. I can't...I can't do this without you."

 **Please leave me a review and let me know your thoughts!**

*Revised 6/2017


	9. The First Hour

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Eight**

Time seemed to stand still those first few hours Meredith spent in the ICU. Teddy hadn't gone home. Owen was still there. They both walked into the tiny room every fifteen minutes at first, hovering, watching, waiting. The last thing they wanted was to make things worse for Meredith, but it was a necessary evil. Derek was nowhere near out of the woods, and he proved that even in those first sixty minutes upstairs. Several adjustments had to be made to his ventilator before Meredith could even begin to get comfortable in her chair, and she found herself soon staring at the monitors instead of at him, holding her breath and begging the machine not to start screaming warnings that he was crashing again.

The ICU was a scary place. It turned to hell when the loved one you were with could barely maintain the basic functions of life. In that first hour, Derek Shepherd crashed three times. The third time he'd required a round of ACLS drugs and Meredith was sure she was watching him die. He'd fought back though, proving once again that he was somewhere in there, that he knew he had a family to live for. Meredith hadn't even allowed herself to think about the possibility that his brain function may have been affected by the times he'd gone without oxygen while his heart struggled to come back. She couldn't go there yet. For now they had to get him through the night. They needed to get his physical body, and more importantly his heart and lungs, through to the next morning. If he made it twelve hours, she would allow herself to close her eyes.

When the room was finally quiet, she allowed herself to look at the clock. Sixty-five minutes. She'd been sitting in that chair sixty-five minutes, and yet it felt like sixty-five days. Suddenly she realized the hell Derek had endured after the car accident. She understood his pain, and the hopelessness he had always tried to explain to her but had never found the words to describe. Guilt was starting to sink in. She'd been the first neuro consult on that case. She'd met Adam Baker, and his wife. She'd spoken with them, or at least tried to. She'd known about the knife in that backpack. She'd left it there with a man who was clearly unstable. And she'd agreed to have her husband paged even though she knew it was a waste of his time. If Derek died, it was her fault. She would have to carry that burden with her the rest of her life. And even if he didn't die, she knew his life was going to be a living hell for the next few months, maybe longer. The pain he would go through was almost too much for her to allow herself to think about, and the thought of the massive amounts of physical rehabilitation he would have to do brought tears to her eyes. She remembered how much he struggled after his first heart surgery, after they'd sawed right through his sternum to get to his chest cavity. She would never forget his frustration, struggle, tears, and the moments he wanted to quit. And now it was happening all over again, only this time it was worse. This was so much worse.

Tears slid down her cheeks, and after a minute she allowed her eyes to move from the monitor. "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry." She reached out again to rest her fingers on his, too scared to even hold his hand. She didn't want to hurt him. There were bruises there. She figured they were from failed attempts to start an IV in the ER. They were on both hands. Meredith tried not to think about how many times they'd stuck him. When a body lost blood at a rapid volume, veins suffered too. And when hydration was an issue, getting a good line started was a hard task. She was glad they'd given up and started a central line after that, or at least she hoped they had. She didn't see bruising on his arms. Her eyes wandered down to the catheter bag hanging on the edge of his bed. Empty. Her heart pounded. If that bag didn't have some kind of pee in it soon, Owen would walk through that door to tell her his kidneys were failing. And honestly, she wasn't sure he would come back from that. Somewhere in there her Derek was fighting, but it seemed his body was fighting against him. Nothing was working right.

"Derek," Meredith knew he wouldn't answer. He was in a deep state of sedation, and for a moment she wanted to kiss the ventilator that was keeping him alive. Between that and the insane amounts of cardiac and blood pressure drugs they had him on, they'd been able to give him another dose of morphine. She'd wanted to cry when Teddy agreed it would be okay. Sedated or not, Meredith was scared he could feel so much more than they knew, and the thought of him enduring that without pain killers was enough to swallow her up. "Please don't go. Please don't leave me. I don't know how to do this by myself. I can't raise Weston and this baby alone. I don't want to wake up in an empty bed every morning. I don't want to do this life without you. You promised me a lifetime. You promised, Derek."

She was tired. Meredith's entire body was screaming at her to sleep, or to at least close her eyes. Her uterus had begun to protest too. Every now and then she felt some cramping, but she brushed aside the warning that she was in desperate need of rest and peace. She couldn't remember the last meal she'd had, but she figured it had been some time that morning, before her shift had started. She remembered having a bottle of water that morning at the house, but since then, nothing. And yet, their baby was at the back of her mind. Their baby, the one that they'd finally allowed themselves to be happy about, didn't seem to matter for the time being. She didn't want to leave her husband. She couldn't bring herself to leave his side to make sure she was taking care of herself. All she could do was hope her body wouldn't betray her. She allowed herself to believe that she wouldn't possibly break down physically when Derek needed her the most.

She'd called Mark and Lexie just after sitting down, before Derek's vitals had crashed the first time. She'd filled them in on everything and insisted they let her talk to Weston though he obviously didn't respond. She made them go over the tiniest details of the instructions Susie had given them. She'd grilled them about whether or not they had everything he needed to make him feel safe and loved while he was away from home and away from his parents. She cried when she hung up. She missed her son. She wanted to be home with him to rock him to sleep like she so often did, but she knew he was in good hands.

The quiet was interrupted when Teddy walked in. She was so tired by then that she wasn't sure she was even doing Derek any good by being there, but she'd actually come to check on the other person in the room for once. "Cristina told me before she left that you hadn't eaten all day." She handed over a granola bar and a bottle of water. "I know it's not much, but I figured you probably weren't hungry now anyway. You should drink that though. When he wakes up, you need to be able to be here. And you can't do that if you let yourself fall apart."

Meredith saw Teddy in a different light right then and there. They'd gotten a lot closer after she'd first saved Derek's life, but the small gesture of kindness went a lot further than she could explain. "Thank you." She whispered, her eyes never leaving Derek though she did take the food from her.

"Owen and I want to be here until he's stable, but we've already been on thirty-six hours, and we're both starting to get so tired we're going to be useless."

Panic started to set in. "Who's going to be here, in case.."

"We're not leaving." Teddy assured her. "We'll take shifts. I'm going to go catch a few hours of sleep in the on-call room. Owen will still be here. I'll switch off with him in the morning."

"Okay." Meredith could live with that.

"Meredith," Teddy frowned as she got to the doorway. "You really should get some sleep. Derek's in good hands here. Everything that happens is on these monitors, and Owen is literally like ten feet away. The nurse you guys have is great, and you look exhausted."

"I can't sleep, Teddy. This is the first fifteen minutes I've been here without him trying to die. I can't close my eyes. I..." Tears found their way down her cheeks, though she quickly wiped them away.

"I know. I know this is really, really scary. But Meredith, sometime tomorrow we'll probably try pulling back on some of these sedation meds, and you'll want to be here for that."

Meredith knew she was right.

"If you don't rest, your body is going to give out. I know we're not...close. But I know Derek would want you taking care of yourself and the baby. You know that, right?"

"I know." She couldn't argue with that, though she wanted to.

"I'll see you guys in the morning." Teddy knew there was little to no chance Meredith would sleep, and she also knew she would regret that. If there came a time when Derek was awake and she was too tired to be there, they would both suffer.

Meredith watched as she left, sighing. She leaned her head against the back of the chair, hesitantly opening the bottle of water. Despite their conversation, she fought sleep. She didn't want to close her eyes even for a second, for fear that he wouldn't be alive when she opened them again. She knew it was irrational, but she couldn't get her mind to follow logic.

Still, a human body could endure only so much, and within a couple of hours Meredith was pulled into an unwanted sleep, pure exhaustion overriding her ability to make decisions for herself.

 **As always, please review.**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	10. Welcome Back

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Nine**

Meredith couldn't remember ever having a longer night than she'd had that first night with Derek in the ICU. She'd cried when she finally looked at the clock and found it was morning. He'd made it. He'd pulled through, against the odds, and he was still there with her. Really, given his injuries and the delayed response time after he was stabbed, statistics said he had only about a ten percent chance of surviving. Ten percent was crap. Meredith replayed the number over and over in her head, figuring it was one of the worst odds they could be up against. And yet, for now, his heart was still beating.

The night hadn't been without its struggles, though. Her sleep had been restless, and somewhere around three that morning he'd coded again. Teddy had been paged out of a dead sleep to come do an echocardiogram at his bedside, and Meredith had held her breath, waiting for her to tell them whether or not his chest was again filling with blood. It hadn't been, at least not then, but his heart was struggling even after they'd shocked him yet again. She'd clung to the normal sinus rhythm on the screen, not that it meant much. Teddy had once again adjusted his ventilator settings and increased his medications, though she'd pointed out they were then maxed out. They had Derek on as much support as possible. It would be up to him, from there, to survive. Either his body would fight back and make it, or it wouldn't.

Owen had woken her around five, concerned about the fever Derek had developed. No one was really surprised that he'd developed a post-op infection, but they weren't happy about it either. He'd changed his antibiotics out with stronger ones, but warned Meredith that he wasn't sure it would make any difference.

Teddy took over around six, and Meredith sort of just went through the day in a daze. Mark and Lexie dropped by with Weston, and she'd visited with him for a few minutes before they dropped him off in daycare. Somehow Mark managed to convince her, with the help of Cristina, to at least step away long enough to get a bite to eat. She'd returned back to his side within an hour, panicked at how long she'd been away. Derek hadn't changed, though. He was still there, still relying on something other than his body to keep him alive. He hadn't attempted to breath over the ventilator at all yet, and Meredith could feel hope slipping away from her. It terrified her to think that maybe his brain had damage from hypoxia, though Teddy insisted it was far too early to worry about it. They needed his heart and lungs to heal first. After those things happened, then they could look elsewhere.

Still, it almost killed Meredith, sitting there in that ICU hour after hour without so much as a finger twitching on his end. By that first evening he seemed to be more stable, enough so that Teddy went home for the night. It had been hours since the last scare he'd given them, and Owen assured her it was a good sign that he was starting to recover. Meredith knew though, with him refusing again to leave overnight, that they weren't out of the woods. She couldn't remember the last time one of them had babysat a patient for that long. It was rare, and really most of they time they did it, the outcome wasn't good anyway.

 **\- GA - GA - GA -**

It was a full forty-eight hours after the stabbing before they all agreed that it was likely he was going to live. Meredith had even agreed to go home that morning, and she'd slept well into the afternoon under the watchful eye of Carolyn Shepherd who had flown in the day before. She'd insisted on taking care of things until life was back to normal. Meredith had argued at first, especially about her keeping Weston, but she seemed good with him and he'd warmed up to her quickly, so she'd finally agreed to let him stay at home rather than go to daycare. She'd spent a few hours at the hospital late that afternoon and into the early evening, but had gone home again after that at the insistence of Cristina assuring her that there was no way he was going to wake up.

On the morning of that third day, Meredith showed up at the ICU with a tiny amount of hope. Teddy had called to tell her that he'd done really well overnight, and that she thought it was time to discontinue his sedation. Despite the nerves it released inside of her, she knew it was a huge step in the right direction. Eliminating medications was essential to his recovery, and the sooner they could get him awake, the sooner they could get him on the path to being himself again.

"Morning, Dr. Grey." Kelly James, the nurse that had been there much of their time in the ICU, greeted her with a smile as she walked in. "Dr. Altman just came by and gave the thumbs up to discontinue his sedation."

"She's sure?" Suddenly Meredith wasn't. She wanted him awake with her, looking at her, present with her, more than anything. But being awake meant being in pain and being aware of everything around him. She wanted to protect him from that as long as she could, especially while he was still on the ventilator. She knew patients did it all the time, but she couldn't really imagine how scary and uncomfortable it must be to have a machine assisting your breathing while you were awake.

The nurse nodded, adjusting Derek's pillows. She checked on his compression stockings, the ones helping to prevent blood clots from his lack of mobility and recent surgery. She recorded the numbers on the bag connected to the catheter that was emptying his bladder. She made sure his ventilator settings were correct, that his central line still looked good, and that the tube going down his nose and into his stomach to give him nutrition was in place. "She'll be back in just a couple of minutes. She was going to make a phone call to Dr. Hunt first."

Meredith watched her, systematically recording in her mind everything Derek would wake up to. Tubes shoved in almost every body part he had. There were still two chest tubes in place as well. Tears filled her eyes, and she looked down to avoid the nurse's gaze.

"Good morning." Teddy walked in as if on que, smiling when she saw Meredith there. "You look refreshed. I take it Derek's mom is being a great mother hen?"

"Something like that." Meredith quickly wiped the tears from her eyes before looking over. "Are you sure about this? He's still on the vent, and not really doing a lot of breathing work on his own. It could be days before he comes off of it."

Teddy could hear the apprehension in her voice, and she thought back to when Meredith was the one in that bed and Derek had refused to let them pull her sedation until she was breathing on her own. He'd been a pain in the butt to deal with, but she'd understood where he was coming from. "The longer we keep him sedated, the longer he's immobile." She reminded her gently. "And for a patient with recent heart surgery..." She let Meredith finish that thought.

"I know," Meredith sighed, knowing it would be the wrong thing to do to argue.

"I really think he's going to do much better than you think." Teddy insisted. "He's getting a lot stronger already, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if a lot changed today. I've seen patients go from full respiratory support to ready to wean in just twenty-four hours. If we get him awake and he's struggling with all of this, we'll take care of him. I don't want you to worry that we're going to just sit back and watch him suffer."

"He's peaceful right now." Meredith's voice broke, and she could no longer keep herself from crying. "Teddy...none of his body is his own. There's crap shoved in him...everywhere. He's going to wake up to this...and I don't even know if he remembers what happened."

"Meredith," Teddy knelt down next to the chair where she was sitting. "I know this is different when it's your family. I know this is hard. I can't imagine how scary this must be for you. But Derek is in good hands. We are going to keep him as comfortable as we can. I give you my word on that. This is a big step for him. We need to let him take this step so we can work on getting him home with you."

Meredith could only nod through her tears, her hand reaching out to grab her husband's hand. "Just do it." She wanted it over with. She needed the mounting anxiety to stop. She knew herself well enough to know that until it was all over, her panic would just build. "I'm here, Derek." She knew she was speaking more for her own comfort than for his.

Teddy smiled a bit and stood, glancing over to Kelly. "We have Versed, in case he needs something, right?"

Kelly nodded, pointing to the syringe on the bedside table. "Right here, just in case." She looked over to Meredith. "Do you want to step out?"

"I'm staying."

Teddy knew she would. She stepped over to the IV pump, messing with a few buttons to discontinue some of the medications dripping down into the tubing.

They waited. Seconds ticked by. Minutes turned into what seemed like hours. The room was eerily quiet aside from the sound of the machines. Everyone held their breath, watching, waiting.

"Derek," Meredith noticed the wiggle of his foot first, then a small shift of his hand. She let out a slow and unsteady breath, reaching over and gently running her fingers up and down his lower arm. "Derek," She whispered again. "It's okay to open your eyes. I'm right here. You're safe." Tears stung the edges of her eyes, but she ignored them.

Derek struggled. Everything hurt. Everything felt heavy. Something was wrong. Something didn't feel right. His chest was on fire. It burned. He could hear Meredith's voice, faintly, somewhere. Why wouldn't she help him? Why wouldn't she make it stop? His chest was on fire and no one would help. He tried desperately to run, but he was heavy, so heavy. His fingers wiggled in response to his determination to get away. He could feel something in his throat, a strange sensation shoving air into his lungs. He didn't like that. It hurt too, and...it wouldn't stop. Why wouldn't it stop? Why were his lungs being forced to inflate when he wasn't ready? Why couldn't he slow his breathing down? Once again he tried to run. This time his foot flexed. Frustration washed over him. He tried to turn his head but someone's hand was there. Gentle. Soft. But they wouldn't let him go. They wouldn't let him get away from the thing shoved into his body, shoved into his mouth. He wanted to scream, but no sound was possible. Where was Meredith? Why wasn't she talking anymore? He tried to open his eyes but quickly shut them again, angrily fighting the bright light.

"It's okay, Derek." Meredith's voice soothed. She leaned over and whispered against his ear, her fingers running gently through his hair. "You're okay."

"Derek," Teddy stepped over to the other side of the bed. "I need you to open your eyes for me. You're in the hospital. There was an accident. You're okay, but I need you to open your eyes." Her voice was firm.

He complied, but his expression begged for relief.

Meredith could see his panic, and her heart hammered against her chest. "I'm right here, Derek. Right here with you. I know this sucks. I know it hurts. I'm so sorry. I'm not going anywhere."

"Doctor Shepherd!" Kelly's voice suddenly barked when he regained more movement, and she grabbed his free hand as it shot toward the tubing of the ventilator. "Doctor Shepherd, I need you to calm down! Do not pull that out." She jerked his hand back down to the bed, frowning. "Dr. Altman."

"I know." Teddy sighed as Derek began to fight their hold, struggling to yank the tube out. "Derek, listen to me. I need you to relax. I know this is difficult. Just relax for me." She glanced at the monitors that were screaming their protest of his climbing heart rate.

Meredith wanted to panic, but she forced herself to stay right there with her husband, tears streaming down her face as she desperately tried to get him calm. "Derek, look at me. Please, look at me Derek. It's going to be okay. It's alright. You're safe. I know this hurts. Please...Derek." She didn't noticed the soft restraints Teddy and Kelly had used to tie his wrists and ankles to the bed until they were already in place. "What are you doing?! Please, stop! You're just making it worse. You're scaring him! You promised he would be okay, that you would take care of him!"

"Meredith, part of taking care of him right now is making sure that he can't hurt himself. I know this is hard. I'm so sorry." Teddy was already injecting half of the versed dose into his IV. She hoped it would be just enough to take the edge off for him but not enough to keep him completely out of it. "Derek, this is going to help you relax. Try to relax for me." When she was satisfied that he was no longer thrashing around and fighting the machines, she glanced over at Kelly. "Why don't we give them a few minutes."

Kelly nodded, looking sympathetically at Meredith. "We'll be right outside if you need us."

Meredith broke down when they left, her head resting on the bed next to his hand as she cried. She wanted to trade places, to take his suffering from him. Guilt began to consume her again, building until she grabbed the trashcan at his bedside, losing what little she'd eaten that morning.

It was a good hour before Derek stirred again. "Derek," Her breath hitched when she saw him open his eyes, and she quickly reached down and took his hand as best she could with the restraints in place. "You're in the hospital," She said gently, just in case he was confused. "There..." She struggled with whether or not to tell him. "You were stabbed." She could see the fear in his eyes, and quickly continued. "But you're doing great. You're so strong. I'm so proud of you." She wiped tears from her cheeks with her free hand. "You had surgery, but it went really well."

Derek struggled to reach up and touch his wife's face. Tears of frustration and pain filled his eyes when he realized his mobility had been reduced to almost nothing. Meredith's tears were almost enough to make him forget about his own pain, and he desperately wanted to reach out and comfort her. Another forced breath from the machine, however, meant he was reminded again of the agonizing burn in his lungs and chest. He jerked both hands against the restraints, clenching them into fists. He needed the pain to stop, yet he had no way to even communicate that to her. Panic began to set in, and he stared at her, begging her to see his desperate need for the slightest relief from the hell he was in.

Meredith didn't need him to say anything. She knew his pain was overwhelming. She reached over and pushed the button for the nurse. "We'll get you something for the pain, Derek. I'm so sorry."

Kelly appeared in just minutes, smiling at the two of them. "Everything okay?"

"His base dose of morphine needs to be increased." Meredith glanced over at her. "I need you to ask Teddy to let him have something now as well."

"I'll see what she can do." She glanced at Derek. "Welcome back Dr. Shepherd." She smiled. "I'll see if we can find something to fix your pain."

When Teddy had finally come and gone, giving Derek just a little more morphine and promising to change his dose, Meredith's eyes wandered to his clenched fists. "I can take those off," She said gently, running her fingers over his wrist, beneath the restraints. "But you have to be calm."

Derek was grateful that the effects of Morphine were almost immediate when given by IV. He closed his eyes for a minute, willing himself to relax though it was still nearly impossible. Pain or no pain, he was uncomfortable, and he still hadn't figured out how to set aside the anxiety that seemed to be creeping up. He glanced at Meredith, catching her gaze, and managed a tiny nod. Just the small movement caused him to jerk back though, sending even more discomfort through his his trachea.

Meredith's hands were shaky and she couldn't help the tears that fell as she carefully untied the restraints on his feet first, and then his hands. She gently rubbed his wrist, glancing at him to make sure he wasn't going to fight everything again. She didn't exactly have permission to remove them, and she knew Teddy would be furious if it caused something to go wrong. Still, the half-empty syringe of Versed was on the table, and Meredith knew how to use it if she needed to. "I'm so sorry." She whispered. "Is that better?"

Derek struggled to remind her he couldn't answer that. Slowly, carefully, and with much effort, he reached up and touched her cheek. The heaviness in his arm was frustrating, but the way her skin felt beneath his hand was worth the effort.

Meredith leaned into his touch, reaching up and pressing her hand against his. "Hi." She whispered, a huge sigh of relief escaping her lips when she realized he was still in there. Her Derek was still there, looking right at her. "I've missed you, so much."

He was so tired, but not ready to let go of her yet. She was a breath of fresh air, and the only reason he didn't reach up and yank the breathing tube from his mouth. Focusing on her was the only reason he had the strength to remain even halfway calm. He moved his hand from her cheek, slowly making the motion of writing, hoping she would understand. His mind was already tired. Just giving himself a simple command seemed far more difficult than it should have.

She looked at him, confused. "I don't..." She followed his gaze to the counter where his chart and a pen sat. Suddenly, she understood. "Just a second." She reached over, grabbing a blank piece of paper from the back, and the pen. She folded it a couple of times, holding it for him. Carefully, she put the pen in his hand, helping him close his fingers around it. "In a minute, you need to rest." She insisted. She could see the fatigue in his eyes, begging him to sleep. It would be that way for a while, she knew. Five or ten minutes was a lot for someone who'd gone through what he had, and despite how difficult that was for her, she would do whatever it took to support him.

Derek struggled, the pen almost falling to the floor. He was grateful when she helped his hand close around it again. After a moment of staring at the paper, he finally scribbled a few words. "I love you, Mer." There was so much more he wanted to say, but he couldn't manage anymore. The pen fell from his grasp, hitting the tile.

Meredith couldn't help but smile, tucking the note into the pocket of her scrub pants. "Important stuff, that is." She teased, her smile growing when she saw the twinkle in his eyes. "I love you too Derek, so much." Her fingers ran gently through his hair as he fell asleep.

 **Let me know what you think!**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	11. Losing to the Pain

**Thank you guys SO MUCH for all of the reviews and positive feedback. It means so much to me to read all of it, and I really appreciate you guys taking the time to let me know what you think.**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Ten**

The next twenty-four hours were hell for Derek Shepherd. He fought hard to stay awake when he could, to communicate with Meredith when he had the strength and the cognitive ability to write a couple of words, but frustration and pain plagued him. Despite his conscious state, his respiratory effort hadn't really improved those first twelve hours. He'd tried so hard to get his lungs to work and his mind to connect the dots and send the message that he needed to breathe on his own, but it was so much harder than it sounded. Just the effort it took to try to breathe took enough out of him that he stayed awake only in ten minute intervals. Usually it was just long enough to see his wife's face, exchange a small communication, realize how much pain he was in, then go back to sleep again.

Despite everything, Meredith stayed at his side. She was there every minute, grateful that she'd slept at home before he'd opened his eyes. Mark and Carolyn had come by to see him for an hour or so, but he hadn't really been up to visitors so they hadn't stayed long. Carolyn had snuck Weston in, which Meredith was grateful for. Even if he couldn't do more than just touch him, she was happy Derek had been able to see his son. For the most part, despite still being in the ICU, it was just the two of them. She didn't really mind that, though she wished he was able to talk to her.

"Good morning," Teddy walked into the room twenty-four hours after they'd discontinued his sedation, taking a few minutes to do a thorough examination before she sat down to talk to them. "Believe it or not, Derek, you're doing really well. I'm really pleased with how much progress you've made in the last few days." She could see the disbelief in his eyes, and she immediately felt sympathetic, wishing there was something more she could do for him. "How's your pain right now?"

Meredith looked over, answering for him, but only because they'd discussed it not long before. Somewhere along the way they had devised a system. One squeeze to her hand for yes. Two for no. So she knew he was hurting. "Still pretty bad, as of an hour ago."

Teddy nodded, glancing at his monitors. "I'll see if we can adjust some things and get you some more relief." She paused. "You did really well overnight with breathing, and I spoke to the respiratory therapist about seeing if we can take you off the ventilator this morning. I think it's worth a shot."

Meredith could see Derek's apprehension, though she knew he desperately wanted it gone. She couldn't help but wonder if he was scared it would fail, or scared of the actual procedure to remove it. It was too complex of a question to ask though, in the middle of their conversation with Teddy. She reached over and took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "What about his chest tubes?" She knew from experience those things hurt like hell.

Teddy nodded. "We can probably take those out too. I don't want to do much else right now though. Lets try this and see how it goes before we change other things." She looked over at Meredith. "I'm assuming you want to be here?"

"Yes." Meredith answered quickly, smiling a bit when Derek squeezed her hand. It felt good to know that he wanted her there too.

"In that case, let me page Patty and we'll get to work."

The respiratory therapist showed up a few minutes later, taking a few minutes to get everything set up before they started. "Tube's coming out on three, Dr. Shepherd. Just try to relax. This may be a bit uncomfortable. I'm going to try to make it fast."

"Derek, as soon as we pull the vent, I'm going to put a mask on you just to give you a little support for a while. If you don't need it, we'll switch over to nasal cannula." Teddy had the oxygen mask in her hand, figuring he would probably need the support of it over his mouth and nose for at least a few hours.

Derek nodded a bit, closing his eyes. He tried to imagine himself somewhere outside of that room, somewhere with Meredith. He thought about how nice it would be to get back home and rest with her in his arms. It worked, because he missed the counting and the warning of the tube being pulled completely. The next thing he knew, he was jerked out of his peaceful daydream by the painful feeling of the tube being pulled from his chest and out of his mouth. He sputtered, then coughed. A strangled yell escaped his throat at the fire that ripped across his sternum and abdomen, his body screaming in protest at the jerking movements. Then he was gasping, whimpering, and fighting tears.

"Easy, easy. I'm so sorry." Teddy handed him a pillow, watching as Meredith helped him cradle it against his torso, just in case he coughed again.

He did. He coughed again, over and over, until he felt like he was dying. He felt like someone was gutting him, and a couple of times his worn out lungs and bruised vocal cords managed a few weak yells, hands shaking as they clung to the pillow. He was grateful for the oxygen mask Teddy placed over his mouth and nose. He could hear Meredith saying something, but his pain was so intense he couldn't focus on anything but the desperation for it all to stop. He heard Meredith's voice becoming increasingly agitated, and he assumed she'd asked for something because the next thing he knew Teddy was injecting something into his IV and he was drifting off again.

Meredith struggled to slow her breathing down, still holding onto Derek's hand even after the extra morphine and versed pulled him away from her and into a sedated state. "We didn't warn him." Her voice broke, and she began to cry. "We should have warned him. He didn't even have time to know it was coming."

Teddy sighed. She felt responsible for not even thinking about it. "I am so sorry, Meredith." She stood there a moment, watching the monitors to make sure Derek's blood pressure and heart rate returned to normal. "Those meds will knock him out at least a few hours. You really should take this time to go get some sleep, even if you just go to an on-call room. I know you don't want to leave him. But you need to take care of yourself. The nurses tell me you haven't left in over twenty-four hours."

"I can't leave him, Teddy. Not now that he's awake."

"Meredith, you have a baby to think about. Derek would be devastated if something happened to either of you because you were here at his bedside all the time instead of getting the rest you needed." She played that card because she knew it was the only one that had any chance of actually working.

How was she supposed to argue with that? She sighed, glancing back at Derek. "You're sure he'll be asleep for a few hours?"

"I'm sure."

Reluctantly, Meredith agreed to go, leaving Teddy to pull his chest tubes. She ended up sleeping in the on-call room for a couple of hours before going back to his room.

Derek was just starting to stir when she came back, groaning softly as he opened his eyes. Despite everything, he smiled when he saw her sitting there. "Hey," He whispered, still having trouble getting his voice to work right.

"Hi," Meredith smiled, reaching over to take his hand. "How are you feeling?" She wanted to apologize about earlier, but didn't want to remind him of it.

"Like I was stabbed." He hoped to see a real smile on her face, but he frowned when he saw the tears in her eyes. "Meredith."

"It's my fault." She sniffled. "This is all because of me. I knew he wasn't stable. I knew the knife was there. I knew they didn't really need a consult with you. I shouldn't have had you paged. I never should have agreed to it."

Derek struggled to understand her as she cried. "Mer," He brushed his thumb across the back of her hand. "Mer, breathe."

She couldn't stop, couldn't slow the tears. Her sobs turned into gasps as she apologized, over and over, as if somehow that was going to be able to erase everything that had happened. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Meredith," Derek took a couple of slow breaths, closing his eyes for a minute. He quickly became frustrated when he realized he didn't even have the strength to say much more, or get his voice to move from the whispered tone. "It's okay, Meredith. Take some deep breaths."

It took a few minutes for her to calm down, even with his reassurance. When the sobs had finally stopped, she wiped the remaining tears from her red and puffy eyes. "I thought you were going to die."

"I know." He said gently, reaching up to brush a couple of lose strands of hair from her face. "I'm right here, Mer. I'm not going anywhere. And I don't blame you." The urge to cough began to build up in him again, and his attention was pulled away from her as he desperately tried to fight it. He knew the agony that would cause, and he didn't want to go through it again.

"Derek?" Meredith frowned, concern clouding her eyes when she noticed the expression on his face.

"Water," He managed to whisper, gasping when the cough came anyway.

She almost couldn't stand to hear the cry of pain that came when his body betrayed him, and she quickly grabbed the same pillow from before, pressing it against his chest. "Deep breaths, Derek. Slow, deep breaths." The tears in his eyes ripped at her heart. She grabbed the cup of water at his bedside and helped him drink a few sips, frowning when he sputtered. "Careful." She could see the frustration flash across his face, and in that moment she wanted to switch places with him. She'd do anything to take away his pain.

Derek leaned his head back against his pillow after taking a few sips of water, his breaths coming short and fast. They only managed to cause more pain, and he quickly wished he could give himself more drugs so he could sleep through it all. He knew Meredith was doing the best she could, and he appreciated her being there, but it didn't lesson how agonizing he knew this recovery was going to be. He tried not to cry, but tears came anyway.

Meredith reached out and gently wiped his tears away, glancing over as Kelly walked into the room.

"Doctor Shepherd," She had on the same cheerful smile as always. "You're awake." She acted like it was a surprise, though it had been easy for her to see through the glass doors to his room. "We need to get you sitting up, even if it's here in bed. This evening we'll work on getting you in a chair."

Meredith bit her bottom lip, wanting so badly to argue. She knew it would only set Derek back though, to be immobile for much longer. The faster he was up and moving, the better he would recover. She knew Teddy was keeping a close eye on his fragile heart, and she knew they wouldn't let him do something that would put him back in the operating room.

Derek took a couple of slow breaths, opening his eyes to look at the nurse. Already so much anger was building inside of him. He tried desperately not to take it out on her, but the frustration of how much his life had suddenly changed was overwhelming. "Don't you think you've put me through enough hell for one day?"

Kelly watched him for a minute as if she was trying to decide how to respond. "I'm doing everything I can, Dr. Shepherd, to get you home with your wife and your son. That's what you want, right? To be able to go home and rest in your own bed? You can't do that if we don't start doing some work. I know this is difficult."

Derek gave up. He knew there was no point in trying to argue. They were going to make him do it anyway. He tried desperately to brace himself for the pain, but quickly realized that nothing could have prepared him for the fire that once again ripped through his torso. He yelled, a bit louder than before, tears filling his eyes once again. The burning didn't subside even after the bed had changed positions and he was forced into a sitting position. It continued despite his best efforts to will it away. "I need something, for the pain. Please." He wheezed, barely able to even form a coherent thought.

Meredith glanced at the clock, doubting there was much he was scheduled to get. She reached over to take his hand, not complaining even when he squeezed her hand so hard she thought he was going to break it.

"We can get you something in about an hour. Until then, just try to take some slow breaths. I know this is painful." Kelly made sure he was okay before she left the room.

"Derek," Meredith finally spoke up when she was gone. "You're doing so well. I..."

"Stop it!" He cut her off, snapping without meaning to. "Just stop, Meredith!"

She jerked her hand back, trying not to take what he said personally, though it was already proving to be a difficult task. "What can I do?" She whispered, bracing herself in case he snapped again.

"Nothing. You can't do..anything." There was a pause. "I...God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Mer."

"I know." She hesitantly reached over and ran her fingers through his hair, gently rubbing his scalp. "Close your eyes." She was relieved when he didn't protest. "Try to sleep."

"Can't sleep, Mer. My chest hurts like hell." He mumbled, closing his eyes.

"I know, I know it does. And I am so sorry. Just a few more minutes and you can have more pain meds. You can do this." She said gently. She was relieved when fell asleep, most likely due to sheer exhaustion.

When she was sure he wasn't going to wake right back up, she got up and went to find Teddy. His pain had to be better controlled if she had any chance of a halfway decent recover, and she wasn't going to sit around and let him hurt any longer.

"Meredith," Teddy was on her way to surgery, surprised when she stepped onto the elevator with her.

Meredith was relieved when the doors closed and they were the only ones there. "Derek's in an incredible amount of pain. I know you were careful, because he was unstable before. But he's getting stronger, and I don't think he's going to be able to get better at all if he doesn't get some relief."

Teddy nodded, agreeing with her. "Since he's been stable breathing on his own and his blood pressure is doing pretty well, we can adjust his meds."

"I'm serious, Teddy. His pain his completely uncontrolled. There's no way he's getting out of bed today if you don't do something. Morphine isn't going to work."

"We can try Dilaudid if you want. But we'll have to keep a really close eye on his respiratory status and the load on his heart."

"I know. And if he gets bad again, we can pull him off of it. But Teddy, please...please put the order in. Or I swear to God, I'll put it in myself, and I don't care if I lose my job for it."

"Meredith," She frowned. "I'm headed to a surgery now, but I'll find a computer and make sure it gets entered before I start."

Meredith nodded, "Thank you." She was relieved it hadn't been a huge fight.

"You should grab something to eat before you go back." Teddy suggested. "Once this order goes in, Kelly can administer a dose for him. He'll be comfortable for a few hours and will likely just sleep. Take this time to put yourself first."

"I have to make sure he's okay first." Meredith insisted. "Then I will."

Teddy knew she couldn't argue with that. She stepped off the elevator, going to put the order in for the medication. She crossed her fingers that it wouldn't cause his breathing to slow significantly.

 **Please review :)**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	12. A Failing Heart

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Eleven**

Dilaudid quickly became Derek Shepherd's best friend. The change in pain medication had taken him from the depths of hell back to a reality that was manageable. He was still uncomfortable, and still had an incredibly long recovery ahead of him, but he was finally able to rest for a moment without feeling like he would rather die. He was finally able to take a breath without feeling like his lungs were being sliced open. Over the next twenty-four hours he was actually able to make some progress he could feel good about. Despite his body being so weak he couldn't even sit up without help, they'd managed to get him into a chair at his bedside a couple of times. He'd stayed there only half an hour each time before he became too tired to sit any longer, but Derek knew it was a huge victory. His recovery was already ten times harder than it had been after he was shot, but he did his best to put on a brave face and do what he could. The catheter in his bladder had finally been removed, leaving only his central line and feeding tube, both of which he was more than ready to get rid of. Owen and Teddy had both insisted that he wasn't ready yet, and that the repair to his stomach meant it would be at least a few more days before they allowed him anything other than tiny amounts of water by mouth. There were some short discussions about moving him out of the ICU, but nothing definitive yet, though he desperately wanted to move to a regular floor. Leaving the ICU would mean hourly checks would end, and that Meredith would actually have a decent place to sleep. His heart was still weak though, and despite his improvement, they were still having to adjust his medications to help give his most vital organ more help.

"Mer," He looked over at her the morning of that fifth day, studying her for a moment. He'd been so wrapped up in his own issues that he hadn't noticed how tired she looked, or the emotional stress that was written all over her face.

"Do you need something?" She looked ready to jump out of her chair to get whatever it was, concern clouding her eyes.

"I'm fine," He assured her, reaching over to take her hand. Her reaction just proved that the reasons behind his concerns were justified. "I want you to go home today. See Weston, eat something. Get some sleep."

"I'm not leaving, Derek." She frowned. "I'm fine. I'm not the one in the hospital bed."

"Meredith," He brushed his thumb across the back of her hand. "You're exhausted, you're not eating, and you spend all your time worrying about me. I'm fine. We have a baby to think about." He reminded her.

"Derek," She didn't want him to back her into a corner. Tears stung the edges of her eyes. "I can't leave. Please, don't ask me to leave."

"I need to know that you're alright. Right now, you don't look alright."

She knew she wasn't going to win. Her heart sank, and she stared at the floor. "I'll go, tonight, and I'll sleep at home. But just tonight. That's it."

"Okay," He knew it was probably as soon as he was going to get. He smiled a bit, gently squeezing her hand. "You're feeling okay, right?"

She watched his gaze shift to her stomach where a tiny bump was starting to form. It probably wasn't noticeable to anyone else, but she knew Derek could tell her body was changing. "Feeling great." She assured him, though she could see the doubt in his eyes. "I am tired, Derek. But you can't expect me not to be. If our roles were reversed, you wouldn't be leaving me either. You never left, after the accident." She reminded him.

"I wasn't pregnant." He argued, yawning.

She noticed his words starting to slow and the blinking of his eyelids, recognizing his fight to stay awake. A quick glance to the clock told her he'd been awake for half an hour, which was actually quite a long time for where he was in his recovery. "I'm feeling the normal pregnancy stuff." She assured him. "Nothing more. I'll sleep tonight. Your mom's a more strict babysitter than you are. Nothing gets past her."

Derek couldn't help but smile. "She loves you."

"Get some sleep, Derek."

His body wouldn't let him argue with that. Despite his efforts to keep talking, he began to drift off.

Meredith leaned her head back, hoping to rest a few minutes herself. Despite her reassurances to him, she was beyond exhausted. The physical demand of staying there with him and being awake every second he was, the emotional toll of everything, the separation from their son, the lack of eating regular meals, and being fifteen weeks pregnant had taken its toll on her. She knew he was right about her needing to get away for a while, but the thought of leaving him was hard. His progress had lulled them all almost into a false sense of security, but Meredith was a doctor. She knew he wasn't out of the woods by any means. Just twelve hours ago he'd gone back downhill a bit, requiring an increase in the cardiac support meds that they'd managed to decrease over the last few days. The issue of whether or not his heart would function long-term still remained to be seen. Teddy had pulled her aside yesterday to talk to her about it, to voice her concern that despite the repair and successful surgery, she wasn't convinced that it was enough. She hadn't used the word transplant, but they all had it hanging in the back of their minds. Derek's heart had been damaged when he was shot, again when he'd suffered from cardiac tamponade, and now a third time being stabbed. There was a massive buildup of scar tissue which they'd tried to solve in surgery. There were two repaired wounds directly to the organ, and while it was beating, the strength and rhythm of the beats were off. Derek's heart was sluggish. Without the meds he was on, it wouldn't be effective at all, and that's what scared her. She didn't talk about it in front of him because she didn't want him to take on that worry while he was trying to get better. They were in a game of watching and waiting. Either Derek's heart would heal from the surgeries and would get stronger, or it wouldn't. And when dealing with a heart, there weren't any alternatives besides just getting a brand new one.

In the ICU, there was no rest for the weary. Teddy walked in just as Meredith started to drift off. "Sorry to wake you both." She noticed Derek stirring when she spoke. "Just came by to see how the new dosage of meds is working."

Derek forced his eyes open. "I'm doing better." He mumbled, struggling to turn his brain back on. He was tired, so tired. It had been a couple of hours since his last dose of Dilaudid, and the uncomfortable ache in his chest was starting to turn into a fiery burn. Nothing yet unmanageable, but definitely unwelcomed.

"Glad to hear it." Teddy smiled, taking out her stethoscope to listen for herself. She did a quick check of his surgical wounds then replaced the dressings. "I think we need to get you up and walking some, even if it's just to the nurse's desk and back."

"Okay."

Meredith hated the defeat she heard in his voice. She wanted to tell Teddy no, to protect him from the agony that would come with standing up really for the first time since his surgery, but she instead just reached over and took his hand. She knew the best thing she could do for him was support him and encourage him, even if it felt like she was taking part in his torture. "It's only a few feet." She assured him.

"I'll get Peter." She referred to the physical therapist that had helped them move Derek into a chair the day before. "And I'll be back to check on you tonight before my shift ends."

"Any chance I can get rid of this tube down my nose?"

"Food isn't an option yet, I'm afraid. I know it's uncomfortable, but Owen and I both agree we should wait another day or so before we see how you do eating."

Derek nodded, closing his eyes again. He tried to gather up all of the energy he had left, tried to mentally prepare himself for what it would feel like to stand on his own two feet and take a few steps. He wasn't sure he was ready for that. Just moving his leg over took a tremendous effort, his limbs still feeling heavy and weighted. Until his heart got stronger, he knew every physical activity no matter how small would be an uphill battle.

Peter was there not too long later, and managed to get Derek Shepherd to his feet, letting him use the assistance of a walker for support. A white belt, resembling one students used in karate, was around his waist. He didn't pull on it, but it was there just in case he began to fall. With the incision to his stomach, he left it loose, a safety net really. "You're doing great, Dr. Shepherd." At first they didn't move. He let him stand there, adjusting to being upright.

Meredith watched as the color drained from his face, an expression of agony washing across his eyes. She saw the way his hands gripped the bars of the walker as if letting go meant he would crash to the floor. She could see his chest rising and falling more rapidly than it had been in a while, and with each gasp a low groan of pain escaped his lips. She tried not to think about what it must feel like, considering they had cut his sternum in two to get to his heart. They had sawed straight through bone, then forced that same bone to be held open for hours during surgery in order to visualize his chest cavity. A lot of the pain cardiac patients felt at first was from their sternum, and really for the first six weeks until it healed, every breath was hell. Every laugh, every movement, every tear, every gasp..it was like being stabbed all over again. She'd heard patients describe it before. Derek had gone through it before, and it almost killed her to know this was the second time he'd had to endure the torturous pain. She did a quick mental calculation. It was going on three hours since is last dose of pain meds. Dilaudid tended to be long-acting, but as time went on, the initial high from it would start to trickle off. She hated that they hadn't dosed him right before this. "I'm right here, Derek. Try to slow your breathing down. It will help with the pain." She stood next to him, grateful that Peter didn't push, grateful that he at least gave him a chance to relax a little. She glanced to the monitors, noting his oxygen saturation had already fallen a little. She removed the nasal cannula from his nose, replacing it with a soft oxygen mask that fit loosely over his mouth and nose. It would give him a little more support, and she seemed satisfied when his oxygen levels increased a bit.

Derek watched as Meredith and Peter gathered up all of the tubes and wires still connected to his body. It felt so ridiculous to him that they were dragging all of it with them just so he could walk twenty feet or so, but there was really no choice. They couldn't disconnect it and leave it behind, so it was either bring it or not walk at all. As Peter asked him to take a few steps, he quickly wished he had the not walking option. "I..."

Meredith could see his struggle, and his fear. She reached out, resting her hand gently on his arm. "You're doing great. You can do this."

Derek paused after shuffling a couple of steps, his breaths getting heavier, more difficult. He didn't know if he could. He felt like giving up already.

"Dr. Shepherd." Peter stayed right behind him. "I need you to keep going. All the way to the nurses station. Then we'll rest for a minute. When we come back, you can sit in the chair for a bit."

The room began to spin after a few more steps, and Derek became aware of Meredith's and Peter's hands on either side of him. He groaned at the pain the pressure of their touch caused, but was grateful that they hadn't let him sink to the ground. "Room's...spinning." He mumbled.

"I know. I know it is. It's okay." Meredith's voice was gentle, reassuring. They had most everything with them, but the EKG leads monitoring his heart had been disconnected. The blood pressure cuff was left behind, and the oxygen saturation monitor on his finger was no longer there. She relied on her instincts and basic triage skills as a surgeon to tell her whether or not they should keep going. For the time being, she encouraged it.

"Lets keep going, Dr. Shepherd." Peter encouraged.

Derek complied, though by the time he got to the nurses station his legs threatened to buckle beneath him. He was struggling to suck air into his lungs, his chest rising and falling rapidly as his heart pounded against his chest. It hurt. It hurt worse than anything he'd felt in days, and he cried as he stood there halfway leaning against the desk, wheezing against the effort it took just to get oxygen through his body. "Something..." He couldn't put thoughts into words. He didn't have enough air to talk. "...help."

"Your body's adjusting, Dr. Shepherd." Peter assured him. He didn't seem worried.

Meredith assessed, as best she could. She counted his breaths as best she could. Holding his wrist for a second meant she could feel a thready pulse. There was a dusky tint starting to surround his lips. She frowned. "Lets go back. Then you can rest." She wasn't going to freak him out, but she was going to have Teddy paged as soon as he was safely back in bed. Maybe the walk had been too much, but then it was five days out from his surgery, and really, she knew he should be able to handle it. "Slow breaths, Derek."

He tried to comply, but barely managed to change his breathing pattern at all, frustrated as tears continued to fall. They had to basically hold him up as he shuffled back to the room, and by the time they had him settled again he was gasping, his lungs begging for the oxygen they weren't getting. "Meredith..." He tried to get her attention just in case she didn't notice his distress, but there was no worry there. As soon as his EKG leads and oxygen saturation monitor were connected again, the machines screamed their warnings.

"You're okay." Meredith grabbed him a couple of extra blankets from a cart in the hallway, tucking them around him after she noticed how cold his skin felt. She was just about to page the nurse when Kelly walked in.

"I already paged Dr. Altman." She adjusted the flow on Derek's oxygen mask. Both women stood there, staring at the monitors for a minute. "Derek, I need you to tell me what you're feeling. Is it pain? Would more pain medication help you right now?"

"Dr. Altman's in surgery." Meredith's heart sank as the realization hit. Something was wrong, and Teddy wasn't going to be able to come. She could see that Derek had caught on to their concern. He looked at her with wide and desperate eyes for a moment before she found herself able to see only his eyelids.

"Can't breathe..." He mumbled. "Heart's...racing."

"Derek," Meredith stepped to his side, taking his hand. She gently rubbed it. "I need you to slow your breathing down. I need you to take some slow, deep, breaths. I know it hurts, but we need your heart rate to come down."

He tried. Derek tried so hard to do what she said, groaning at the knives that stabbed through him when he deepened his breaths. His sternum screamed in protest, fire ripping through him. He kept going though, trying to copy Meredith's exaggerated movements. It wasn't working, though. Nothing was working. "Help," He mumbled.

"What happened?"

"Cristina." Meredith looked surprised to see her there.

"Teddy's in the middle of a bypass. You're stuck with me." She had her stethoscope out, already listening to his heart and lungs. "This happened out of nowhere? When was his last dose of dilaudid?"

"Three hours ago. We had him walking to the nurse's desk." Meredith was glad Cristina was there. She needed some of her calm, stoic approach.

"I asked if he thought it was pain causing this." Kelly waited for Cristina's instructions.

"It's fluid." Cristina was confident in her answer. "Fluid and just a really crappy effort from your really wimpy heart."

Meredith smiled a bit, though she noticed Derek didn't really seem to be listening to anything they said.

"No more walks, for now." Cristina glanced at Kelly. "I'm going to talk to Teddy, but we're going to have to figure something else out. Five days out, his heart shouldn't be struggling like this. He should be able to do these things. So for now, until we find out what's going on, he can sit up but that's it. I'm going to write for a couple of things you can give him now. Go ahead and give him his dose of pain meds." She stepped into the hallway to get everything entered into the computer.

Kelly was back within minutes, meds in hand. They were quickly given to Derek in his IV.

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief when things finally calmed down. Derek was ripped away from them again and pulled into a deeply sedated state, but at least his vitals were stable. "Does he need a new heart, or not?" She demanded an answer from her friend.

Cristina shrugged. "Too early to say. But I think he should rest for a few days. There's no point in pushing him right now. Sets the heart back, and honestly, he can't afford that. If this was just about him being uncomfortable and having a hard time adjusting, it would be one thing. But his heart was giving out...for what? Like...a six foot walk."

"I know." Meredith was scared but she tried to put on a brave face. She tried to think about how relieved Derek would be that he could rest for a while. She knew he was more comfortable like that, and she hoped some time with minimal pain would help.

Teddy came by that afternoon, basically reiterating everything Cristina had already said. There wasn't much she could disagree with, though Meredith could tell she was more worried than usual. "I told the staff to page me tonight if there's another problem. Owen will be here and I'm off, but I'll come back. Or he can call me." She assured Meredith. "Until Derek can remain stable without the insane amount of cardiac support we have him on, he's not to do anything but rest. I already put it in his chart, but just in case. He can sit bedside three times a day for as long as he can tolerate. But that's it. I know it's going to delay him going home and gaining his strength, but it's not worth the risk."

Meredith left that afternoon like she'd promised Derek she would, though she cried there in the hallway for a good twenty minutes before walking to the elevator. She was terrified that something would happen overnight, but she could no longer argue about how much she needed to get some rest. She missed her son too, and she was looking forward to having a semi-normal night at home.

 **I know Derek's been stuck for a bit. It just didn't seem right, to me, to rush his recovery after such a serious injury. But, in the next chapter he will finally make some good progress.**

 **Please leave me a review.**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	13. Facing the Facts

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the reviews! I'm so glad you guys are still enjoying this!**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Twelve**

The next couple of days brought Derek some much-needed progress in his recovery. Resting ended up being just what he needed, and they were finally able to back off of many of his cardiac medications by his seventh post-op day. His muscles were sore and tired from being confined to a bed for so long, but his heart had thanked them for the rest and was finally starting to show signs of gaining strength. He'd managed to convince Meredith to sleep at home for a couple of nights, but was glad to have her there with him during the day. His mom had brought Weston up for a few hours, and it had put a smile on Derek's face to be able to spend some time with his son.

On the morning of that seventh day following his surgery, Derek was finally moved out of the ICU and to a regular room. They'd removed his feeding tube and central line and had left just an IV in his arm. His monitors were gone, and he was finally able to get a full shower rather than a sponge bath, allowing him to feel like a human being again.

"You should try eating something." Meredith looked over at him after his food tray was brought that morning. She figured it wouldn't be anything too awesome, but it was his first meal in a week, and with his body relying only on what he put in his mouth now, she didn't want him to skip it.

Derek nodded, though just the smell of the food made him nauseous. "I'll try."

"Hey, you've been begging Teddy and Owen to pull that tube out of you for days. Don't make them regret it." She smiled when she saw amusement in his eyes. "Look, bacon. And biscuits." She pulled a tray over to him, sitting his bed up slowly so he could reach the food. "Sorry," Her smile faded when he groaned in pain.

"I'm okay," He insisted, though he took a minute to let his discomfort subside before he reached over for the fork. "Doesn't hurt that much right now." He assured her, knowing she would worry.

"Your mom mentioned staying here another week."

"Yeah?" He hesitated, but finally took a small bite of his biscuit. It was strange, eating for the first time in so long, but he was glad to finally make that step.

"I told her she didn't have to do that, but she insists that she should stay and keep Weston until you can get home. She's a lot like you. Won't listen to reason."

Derek grinned, glancing over. "Are you calling my mom stubborn?"

"No." She made a face, though she quickly started to laugh. "Maybe, a bit. But Derek, we don't know how long it's going to be before you're able to leave. I don't want your mom feeling like she has to stay."

"Trust me, Mer. My mom wouldn't be here if she didn't want to be. She's staying because she wants to help us. And we both agreed it's better to have Weston in his own home and with some consistency. If he's not with my mom, he'll have to be with Mark and Lexie when you can't be there."

"I know," She sighed. "How's the food?"

"Don't worry about my mom." He insisted. "If you ask her to go, she'll just get her feelings hurt." He took another small bite of his breakfast. "Food's okay."

"Hey, maybe we can get you something real for lunch. I could probably talk Mark into bringing something from the outside."

"You make it sound like prison." He laughed, though pain instantly flashed through his eyes. He groaned, leaning his head back against the pillows. Shaky hands went to his chest.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry." She frowned and reached over, taking his hand. "Derek?" Concern clouded her gaze when he didn't respond.

"Just..." He took a few breaths, clenching his hands into fists when it only intensified the pain. "Just...need. A second."

"I am so sorry." She felt like such an idiot for repeating the phrase over and over, but it's all she knew to do. He was still getting pretty good doses of IV dilaudid, and she was grateful for that, though Teddy had decreased it just a tad from what it had been in the ICU. She didn't want to think about what it was going to be like when they got home and he didn't have it anymore.

Derek struggled for a minute, relieved when the worst of the pain seemed to pass. "Mer," He looked over. "I am okay." He insisted.

The last thing she wanted to do was baby him and cause him to resent her, so she backed off. "Are you still hungry?"

"Full," He blinked, fighting to stay awake.

Meredith glanced at the tiny piece missing out of the biscuit, sighing. Still, she kept her mouth shut, moving the tray away from his bed. "Do you need anything?" She reached out for his hand, frowning at how cold his skin felt beneath her. "I'm going to find a couple of extra blankets."

Derek managed a small smile. He wasn't going to argue with her need to take care of him. He was cold, even if he'd probably never ask for an extra blanket. It would be like admitting defeat, and he tried to save that for when he really needed it.

She was back within minutes, carefully laying the blankets over him. "Get some sleep, Derek."

"Mrs. Shepherd."

Meredith looked up a few minutes later to see a stranger in the doorway. "Yes?" Her answer was hesitant.

"My name is detective Alves. I'm investigating the incident here last week in which your husband was stabbed. I'm sorry to bother you. I've waited just about as long as I could."

She glanced at Derek, grateful he was still sleeping. Quickly, before the officer had time to keep talking and risk waking him, she got up, following him into the hallway. "I can sit down and answer your questions." Anything to keep him away from Derek.

"I appreciate that, ma'am." He followed her to an empty conference room, the ones they usually used to speak to families of patients who were critical. He sat down across from her, opening a pad of paper, pen in hand. "It's my understanding from speaking to your co-workers that you were asked to meet Adam Baker after his wife requested a neurosurgeon."

"His wife said she knew something was wrong with him, that he had a brain tumor or something." Meredith tried to explain everything the best she could, though the truth was, some of those memories were lost. The day had been incredibly traumatizing to her, and it was difficult for her to remember exactly what had been said.

The detective listened, wrote everything down, and listened some more. He paused before he said anything else, trying to make sure he understood her story. "You had your friend page your husband while you went to talk to psych, is that correct?"

"Yes. I knew paging them would take a while, and sometimes talking to them in person gets them to come faster. I went up there myself. Cristina Yang paged my husband."

"Did Mr. and Mrs. Baker, at any point, request your husband by name?"

Meredith frowned. "Yes." Panic engulfed her. "Do you think they came here targeting my husband? You think he planned to stab him?" Her hands began to shake and she fought tears.

"Mrs. Shepherd." The detective frowned. "There is a lot we don't know. That's what we are trying to figure out. It is believed that Adam Baker has murdered six people. Your husband would have been the seventh."

Meredith could feel the room beginning to spin. She was aware of the detective talking to her. She could see his mouth moving, but she couldn't hear him. Her head was fuzzy. She was grateful she was sitting down, but she noticed the detective leave his seat, and she could hear him shouting as she slumped off the side of the chair.

"I need some help in here!" Detective Alves caught her just before she hit the ground.

"What is going on in here?" Miranda Bailey demanded, flinging the door open when she heard the yelling. Her anger turned to concern when she noticed Meredith passed out cold.

"She passed out."

Miranda glared at him. She could see his police badge sitting on the table, and she knew he must be there about the stabbing. "This interview is over." She knelt down next to them. "Meredith. Meredith, open your eyes."

After a minute or two, Meredith blinked a couple of times before opening her eyes. "Dr. Bailey." She mumbled, confused.

"You're alright." Miranda assured her. "You passed out. Scared me to death."

"What?" A frown settled on Meredith's face, and she glanced at the detective before slowly sitting up. "You were here?" Her gaze returned to the other doctor.

"I heard this idiot yelling for help." Miranda looked back over at him. "You'll have to come back later."

"Ma'am, I'm not supposed to leave here without talking to Derek Shepherd."

"No!" Meredith frowned as dizziness threatened again. "Please, just leave him alone. He doesn't know anything that can help you."

"You need to rest, come on." Miranda helped her up and into a chair. "I'm going to find you something to eat." She glanced at the detective, wanting so badly to tell him he had to go. She knew she really had no grounds to stand on though. "You upset that man, and I assure you I won't be held responsible for what I do."

The detective couldn't help but grin. "I'm sure that's true, ma'am. It's just a few questions. I've waited a week." He pointed out.

"Please, just leave him alone." Meredith wanted to cry but she refused to, not in front of him.

"Mrs. Shepherd. I assure you, I will make this quick. But I have to get your husband's statement. It's not a choice."

"Meredith," Miranda did her best to diffuse the situation. "Let him talk to Derek. You just passed out cold on my floor. I'm not letting you go anywhere until I'm sure you're okay."

"I'm fine, Dr. Bailey. Really. I was just, upset."

"You will stay here, in that seat, until you get something to eat and I'm ready to say you're fine." She demanded.

Meredith sighed, "I should be with Derek."

"I can't ask him these questions in front of you." The detective said, almost sounding sympathetic. "My office will contact both of you as soon as we locate Mr. Baker."

"You haven't found him?" The room began to spin again as Meredith lost what little resolve she had left. "He...he could...he..."

Miranda caught her as she teetered to the side. "We're going to lie down now." She wasn't going to accept no for an answer, so she was relieved when Meredith stumbled out of the room and into a nearby on-call room. "You're not taking care of yourself, Grey. Your husband would have a fit if he knew this was happening."

"Dr. Bailey. He...did...the man said." Meredith laid back on a bed, staring at the ceiling. "The detective said they haven't found him. They haven't found the man. The one that stabbed Derek. He...he could be..."

"Meredith." Miranda frowned, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Derek is just fine. He's doing better, he's getting stronger, and he's safe here. They will find Adam Baker. You don't worry about that. You need to be worried about taking care of yourself and your baby. Don't make me demand you go home."

 **\- GA - GA - GA -**

"Dr. Bailey came by earlier." Derek looked over at his wife that afternoon.

Meredith sighed. "I'm fine, Derek." She hadn't meant to snap.

"She's just worried, Meredith." He frowned. "And so am I. She said you passed out once, and that it almost happened a second time."

"Because I was upset." She stared at the floor. "I was upset, Derek. But I'm fine now. There's nothing wrong with me. You don't need to worry. You should be focusing on yourself."

"Meredith." His tone became frustrated, and he stared at her, suppressing the urge to yell. "You're exhausted. You're not eating well, and for all I know, you're not sleeping when you go home either."

"I'm fine, Derek! Fine! There was nothing wrong with me this morning, and there is nothing wrong with me now. A detective showed up here, it rattled me, and I freaked out. That's it!"

He stared at her, trying to figure out if he was going to say anything. He didn't want to fight. He didn't feel well enough to fight. But he didn't want to miss something being wrong with his wife. He could see in her eyes that she wasn't okay despite her insistence that she was. "I'm worried about you, Mer. It may be your job to worry about me. But it's my job to worry about you, and this baby. Please, talk to me."

"What if he comes back?" Her voice was barely a whisper, and she angrily shoved tears away from her eyes. "He asked for you by name. I didn't...I didn't think about it before. And I thought...I thought he was already...in jail, or something. I...I guess...I never asked. I just..."

"Mer, breathe." He reached over and took her hand. "Breathe. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm right here. Right here with you. I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm so scared," She began to sob, leaning over onto the bed so her head rested on the mattress next to him.

"Come here," He said gently.

"I don't want to hurt you." She managed between tears.

"Meredith, come here." He glanced at the space next to him. It would be a tight fit, and it would probably be uncomfortable, but he wanted to hold his wife. He needed to hold her, for himself, and for her.

She hesitated, but when her eyes met his, she knew he was serious. Carefully, and with tears and sobs still coming, she wedged herself next to him, trying desperately to avoid touching him anywhere that would cause him pain.

Derek groaned when her weight caused a shift in the mattress, but a few shallow breaths and a moment with his eyes closed brought him back to a level of manageable discomfort. He was grateful for his recent dose of Dilaudid. "Close your eyes." He whispered, wrapping one arm around her. His fingers ran through her hair. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

She melted into his arms, crying a big, nasty cry. Snot, tears, heaves, sobs, and gasps took over any ability she had to calm herself down. She tried to say something but only succeeded in crying harder.

Derek gasped when she shifted, almost yelling out in pain. Instead he clenched his fists and waited for it to pass, grateful that she was crying too hard to noticed. After a moment, the worst of it faded and he was able to soothe her, whispering into her ear. "I love you, Meredith. It's going to be alright."

*Revised 6/2017


	14. Fights and Struggles

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Thirteen**

Derek let her sleep there, happy to fall asleep with his wife in his arms. Her weight was uncomfortable, especially after a while when her arm draped over his chest, but he didn't complain. He was grateful for the time, the closeness that they hadn't had in so long. He didn't sleep for a while, instead enjoying the feeling of her there against him, though he was glad for the higher doses of dilaudid he had at night. He knew he'd pay for it in the morning, but he didn't mind. Derek had missed Meredith, and he looked forward to being able to go home with her soon. He wanted their lives to get back to normal, or as normal as they could be considering everything. For the first time since being stabbed, he finally felt like he really would walk out of that hospital at some point.

Meredith slept well for the first night since her world had almost been ripped apart. She hadn't meant to stay there, but a lack of Derek waking her meant she slept soundly until the next morning, blissfully unaware that her presence would bring nothing but misery to her husband. If she had realized it, the time in his arms would have been short-lived.

"Mer," Derek whispered her name the next morning when he woke, groaning at the ache that was starting to spread across his chest. They were working on backing off his IV pain meds during the day. It was a requirement to come home. He'd be sent home with percocet, which was pretty good all things considered, but definitely nowhere in the same universe as a constant dose of the good stuff through your veins. A necessary evil, he knew, but miserable none-the-less. "Mer." He tried again to wake her.

Meredith jumped the next time he said her name, and when she heard his yell of pain she pushed off of him and practically leapt off the bed. Panic washed over her when the color in his face washed away and his hands began to tremor. "I'm sorry!" She said desperately, wishing his pain pump was still there so she could just push a button to give him another dose of meds. "I'm so sorry."

Derek struggled, his chest rising and falling rapidly. He tried to slow his breathing, but that only succeeded in a fire spreading across him, threatening to literally pull him out of a conscious state. "I'm..." He couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes, his voice breaking even with the simple word. He groaned, closing his eyes in a desperate effort to get some relief.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Derek.." Guilt pulled at her, and she stood there feeling completely useless, repeating the phrase as if somehow it was going to bring him relief.

"Mer.."

It seemed like an eternity before his breathing slowed and the wheezing sounds of pain faded away. She hesitantly reached over and took his hand, squeezing it gently.

"I'm okay." He managed. He didn't feel okay though. He felt like an idiot for not figuring out a better way to wake her, for not moving her arm away from him first. For a second he wondered if she could have damaged his surgical site, but then decided his pain would probably still be excruciating if she had. "I'm okay." He assured her again, though he wasn't sure if he said it more for her sake or for his.

"Can I get you something?" She didn't want to keep pushing the issue. She had started to see his frustration increasing over his lack of independence and limited mobility, and she tried her best not to add to that. Her job was to love him and support him, not suffocate him, though it was certainly hard to figure out where the line was drawn sometimes.

"No," He looked over at her. "You snored. Last night." He teased, hoping a change in the subject would help his mind forget the pain.

"I don't snore." She insisted, though she grinned and leaned over, giving him a quick kiss. "Maybe you were hearing yourself."

Derek had to stifle a laugh, groaning.

"Sorry!" Meredith frowned. "No more joking. I'm so sorry."

"I'm ready to go home." He mumbled, frustration and resentment starting to set in. He hated that she apologized for making him laugh, hated that it was even an issue. He hated he couldn't sleep next to his wife without agonizing pain. He missed his son, and the simple life they had finally pieced together after everything. He hated the man who had tried to murder him, and even more he hated the thought that he was still out there, still able to walk in and do it again.

"I know," She sighed. "I know. But, Derek. It's probably going to be at least a few more days. You just started eating, your pain isn't well-controlled at times, and you aren't up walking yet."

"I know that!" He hadn't meant to snap. Raising his voice had happened more or less without him really realizing it, though the broken look on his wife's face immediately made him feel like the world's most terrible husband. "Meredith." He sighed.

"No, it's fine. I get it. You're pissed. At me, at the world, at the guy who did this..." She fought tears. "I would trade places with you if I could. I would. I'm so sorry you..."

"Would you stop saying that?!"

She frowned, frozen, staring at him. When had things changed so rapidly? Minutes ago she was curled up in his arms. They were connecting. Things had seemed normal. And now...she seemed to be enemy number one. And really, she'd been expecting it for a while. It just hurt more than she'd thought it would.

"Just stop apologizing. Please. I don't need you to say that. I know you're sorry. Except you don't have anything to be sorry for."

There was a long silence, and she contemplated getting up and going downstairs to get some breakfast. "Are you hungry? I'm going to get some coffee, or something."

"No." Derek's better half screamed at him to stop her before she left the room, but he didn't. He didn't say anything, just watched her walk away. He clenched his hands into fists, poundingd them against the bed. He was done, completely done with being an invalid.

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd." Maria, his nurse, walked in just as Meredith left. If she noticed his mood, she didn't let it show. "Your breakfast should be here soon, but while we wait, I thought we could get you up and walking around some. What do you say to a lap around the desk out there?"

Derek knew his body would hate him for it, but he was tired of sitting around. "Sounds like torture." He mumbled.

"You want to go home this week, right?" She cheerfully helped him sit up, his winces of pain mostly ignored. "Take it slowly. If you think you need me to get physical therapy down here, we can. I don't want you falling."

Derek contemplated that. He didn't want to admit defeat, but he also didn't want to end up back in the operating room for an open wound. "A walker will do." So he'd hobble around like a little old man, people would whisper and probably snap pictures with their phones, and his dignity would be destroyed. But at least he'd do it himself.

"Okay," She grabbed the one by the window, smiling as she slid it over. For the most part, she let him get out of bed himself, though when he wobbled she was there to help him stand back up straight. "Slow breaths, Dr. Shepherd. It will help with the dizziness and the pain."

For a moment, Derek didn't know if he was going to be able to even stand up straight. His tired muscles screamed in protest and his sternum felt as if it was being ripped back open again. A low groan came from his lips, and he stood there, half bent over for a moment before he finally managed to straighten up some. Nausea instantly rolled through him, and he was grateful for Maria who once again kept him from toppling to the floor.

"We could wait until Dr. Grey gets back, if you want. I'm sure she'd like to walk with you."

"No," That answer came quickly, easily. Of course he wanted Meredith there. But he'd been terrible to her, and it felt wrong to wait on her to come help after how badly he'd treated her.

"Okay." Maria stepped back a bit, watching as he shuffled across the floor toward the door of his room. "If you find yourself having trouble breathing, you let me know. We'll get you back to bed."

Derek was determined, though. It seemed almost like pure hell, making that walk, but he did it. Against every screaming protest of his body and every burning pain that ripped through him, he kept going. There were many times he felt like he was going to hit the tile beneath his feet, but he forged ahead despite it.

By the time Maria had him settled back into the chair at his bedside, he was almost too tired to keep his eyes open, grateful that there was a slight recline. Part of him started to wonder where Meredith was, but exhaustion took over any rational thought, and he was asleep before his mind could wander too much.

"Derek?" Meredith was surprised to find him there an hour or so later. She'd taken her time in leaving, really needing a break for the first time that week. The tears, yelling, and frustration from him had hurt her more than she'd expected them too, mostly because she wanted to be able to take his suffering away. She'd left the hospital, actually, going across to Joes to get some decent to eat. She set his food down on the bedside tray, frowning when she saw him asleep there in the chair. "Derek." She repeated his name, relieved when she saw his eyes flutter.

"Meredith," He mumbled her name, sleep still holding him out of reality's grasp.

"Lets get you back in bed." She said gently. "You're going to fall out of that chair, and that can't be comfortable."

"I walked." He managed through slits of eyes. He was too tired to protest getting up, stumbling to the bed. His body was thankful when it hit the mattress, and he was almost immediately back asleep.

Meredith couldn't help but smile as she tucked his blankets around him. Walking was huge progress, though she could tell it had taken a lot out of him. Still, there obviously hadn't been a major crisis, which meant his heart was doing much better. That was huge. She glanced at the clock, noting he'd just received a dose of pain meds. Probably for the best, even if he would miss breakfast and sleep for a few hours.

She sighed as she sat down, coffee in hand. Derek would chastise her if he knew she was drinking caffeine, but considering his closed eyes, she doubted he would find out. She needed to be awake, needed her mind to think clearly. Adam Baker was out there somewhere, and he'd come after her husband. Who was to say he wouldn't come back? That thought plagued her. The detective hadn't seemed worried, but she was. They were talking about a man who was on a killing spree. Derek was the first victim he had left alive, and they all knew it wasn't by choice. The man's face was all over the news, and yet, here they were. He was still out there, and they were still clueless as to his whereabouts.

 **I apologize for this being a short chapter. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, but at least it's done. It serves sort of as a bridge between Derek's progress and where he goes from here. Because even though the critical days are behind him, his recovery has just begun. And there's still a serial killer out there who isn't behind bars.**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	15. In Your Arms

**I want to take a minute to thank those of you who have been dedicated to all three of these stories and who are still leaving me reviews. I appreciate every single one of them. Thank you for taking the time to give me feedback. To those of you who are reading and enjoying, thank you too! I hope that you continue to enjoy this.**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Fourteen**

It was another week before Derek was strong enough to leave the hospital. Two weeks out from being stabbed he'd made huge progress from those first days, though he still had a long way to go. His stamina was improving, and he was able to stay awake for almost an hour before tiring, and his mobility was greatly improved from those first shuffled walks across the hospital floor. He was still in a considerable amount of pain though, and his heart was still struggling to regain the strength it once had. Despite everything, he was happy to be home. His mom had headed back home that morning, and Lexie and Mark had taken Weston for the night to give him time to adjust. He missed his son, but he was glad to have quiet..

Derek worried about Meredith. She was jumpy, nervous, and he noticed her awake most nights rather than sleeping next to him. He knew she was scared. Adam Baker was still out there. There had been no new leads, or at least none they had been told about it. He figured he probably should have more fear about it than he did, but between his physical recovery and worry for his wife, he didn't have the emotional energy to put into wondering whether the guy would come back and try to finish what he started. Meredith was withdrawing, and that scared him more than the thought that Adam Baker could somehow get their address. It had been quite some time since he'd seen her so quiet, and despite his best efforts, he didn't seem to be able to offer her much solace.

Meredith did all she could put Adam Baker out of her mind, but as the days passed, it seemed impossible. She was terrified that he was going to show up again to kill Derek, and her growing fears left her in a hyper-vigilant state. "Lexie called. Wanted to know if we wanted them to keep Weston tomorrow night too." By the second day he was home, she felt like she was constantly looking over her shoulder, constantly on guard. She hadn't slept much, and exhaustion was starting to take its toll on her.

"Meredith," Derek could see how tired she was, and he felt immense guilt that he couldn't offer her enough peace so she could rest.

"Do you need something?" She frowned.

"Come sit down, Mer." He patted the empty spot next to him on the couch.

She glanced at the clock. "Let me grab your pills first. You're already fifteen minutes late taking them."

"Meredith." Derek frowned.

"Your pain pills, Derek. You can't be late taking your pain pills. I'll be right back." She could tell he wasn't too happy that she was ignoring his request, but she honestly didn't care. His well-being came far ahead of her own for now, and she wasn't going to sit down and let him worry himself to death about her while he was suffering.

He sighed as she disappeared to the kitchen, wincing at the pain just the simple movement caused. If he ever had to have his sternum cut open again, he honestly wasn't sure he could deal with it. It truly was an excruciating recovery.

"Here," She was back in just minutes with a glass of water and his two pain pills, sitting down next to him after she handed them over.

"Tell Mark and Lexie yes." He held onto the glass after taking his pills. "You need to get some sleep."

"It's noon." She frowned. There was no way she was going to sleep in the middle of the day. That would leave him alone. And if Adam Baker picked today to come back, she wouldn't be there to protect her husband.

"Meredith." His tone became agitated. "You're exhausted. You're not sleeping, you're not eating, you're pacing the floor, obsessed with whether or not I'm okay, constantly looking over your shoulder. You never relax. This is not good. You need to rest. For yourself, and for this baby."

"I'm fine."

"You are not fine. What you're doing to yourself is not fine."

"Derek, I can't just go to sleep in the middle of the day."

"You can." He insisted. "You can, and you need to."

For a moment, she contemplated arguing with him. Finally, she relented. "What are you going to do?"

"I'll sleep here." He would have offered to go up with her, but the thought of climbing the stairs was daunting, and he'd just assume avoid that torture. "I'll be fine, Mer." He could see her worry.

There were so many things Meredith wanted to say. She opened her mouth a couple of times, but ultimately decided against it. Silently, and with a heavy amount of anxiety, she walked up the stairs and to their room. Derek had slept there next to her the past two nights, though it hadn't mattered much. She'd been too scared to close her own eyes. At some point she had drifted off just out of pure exhaustion, though it hadn't lasted long. She slept in hour increments, she'd determined, judging by the clock at their bedside. Physically, her body was begging for real sleep, but she needed to know that her husband was safe. She laid there a lot just watching him breathe, listening for any noises that might indicate someone was there. Her cell phone stayed in bed with her, just in case she had to make a call to the police.

That afternoon was no different. Meredith lay in their bed wide awake, staring at the ceiling. A couple of times she started to drift off but quickly caught herself, sitting up after a few minutes. She couldn't do it. She knew Derek would be upset, but she just couldn't allow herself to really fall asleep. Knowing he was downstairs by himself made it even worse. Anything could happen to him. Someone could walk into their home and have him dead in minutes, and he'd probably never see what was coming.

She sighed, heading back downstairs after just half an hour or so. Derek was sleeping on the couch, so she sat down in the chair instead, grabbing the television remote. A few quick flips through stations told her nothing decent was on, and she sighed as she turned the television off and tossed the remote aside.

"Meredith," Derek blinked when he heard the remote hit the chair across the room, frowning when he was finally able to get his eyes to adjust well enough to see what time it was. "You're supposed to be sleeping. You said you would go sleep."

"I couldn't sleep, Derek. I tried to tell you that." She frowned as she watched him force himself into a sitting position, wincing at the cry of pain he let out. Her instinct was to offer help, but she knew it would only irritate him.

"Come here," He frowned, holding back a sigh. "Come sit next to me." If she wasn't going to willingly go to sleep, he'd make sure that she got the rest she needed.

Meredith didn't hesitate at the chance to sit next to him. She made sure she didn't lean weight on him though, even though she desperately wanted to rest her head on his shoulder.

"Lie down." He said gently, motioning to his lap. "Rest your head here."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Mer, you're not going to hurt me. Lie down. I just want to enjoy this quiet time we have."

Carefully, she did as he asked, laying across the couch on her side so her head was resting on his lap. It took her a minute to get comfortable, but it helped when she felt his fingers running through her hair and over her scalp. "I love you." She whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't sleep upstairs. I tried. I really did. And I try to sleep at night. But I..."

"Shh," He cut her off. The whole point of what he was doing to get her to relax enough to fall asleep. "It's okay, Mer."

She sighed contently, staring ahead at the coffee table in front of her. "Is your pain starting to go away?"

"The pills help." He assured her, gently massaging her scalp. "Just relax."

"We can't let Lexie and Mark keep Landon forever. I want him to be able to be here with us soon. I don't.."

"Meredith." He sighed, groaning a bit at the ache in his chest.

"I'm sorry." She frowned, desperately wanting to not upset him again.

"We'll have him here in a couple of nights." He assured her. "He's fine. He has fun with them, and he doesn't know any different."

Meredith wanted to argue with him, but she didn't. She knew he was already annoyed enough, and she didn't want to add to that. She laid there, listing to him start to talk about the baby and how much he was looking forward to meeting their son or daughter. She listened as he told her how grateful he was that she had saved his life the day he was stabbed, that he was grateful she'd acted fast. They both knew he wouldn't be alive if she hadn't found him there on the floor of that room when she did. She listened as he told her about how much he was looking forward to life as a family of four, about how beautiful she looked when she was carrying his child. Derek always had a way of soothing her when she let him, and this was no different. Her eyes began to grow heavy after a short period of time, and despite her fighting it, she began to drift off.

Derek kept up what he was doing.. He made slow motions on her head with his amateur masseuse skills, though he could tell it was doing the trick. He talked to her about all of the good things he could think of. He told her how much he loved her and how grateful he was that she had found him. A smile crossed his face when he saw her eyes starting to close. It took longer than he expected it to, but after a while she finally fell asleep for good, and he was able to stop going on and on about how much he loved her, though it wasn't very hard to talk about.

Meredith rested comfortably in her husband's arms. For the first time in a while, she didn't worry. She didn't fret, and she didn't wonder how he was. She slept, really slept. Her body thanked her. Despite being there on the couch with him and more scrunched up that she would normally be because it was so short, she was comfortable.

Derek was relieved when she slept and stayed asleep. He was grateful that she was getting some rest, though he promised himself he wouldn't get upset if it didn't last as long as he hoped that it would. The important thing was that his wife had been able to put aside her battle with stress and anxiety for long enough to give her body something other than tension. After a few minutes he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his own eyes. He had no doubt that with time they were going to be okay. He chose to believe it, because really, the alternative was quite crappy.

 **This chapter went in a different direction than I originally intended, but once I got started writing it, I felt like it was important to shift to Meredith a bit and show how she's handling all of this.**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	16. Seeing Addison

**To my loyal reviewers...thank you for your continued comments and support! Some of you expressed interest in wanting the story to move forward a bit, so your wish has been granted. :)**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Fifteen**

Six weeks had passed since Derek's stabbing. A month at home had brought him the time he needed to recover from his life-threatening injuries. He was sure it was probably the most painful six weeks of his life, even more-so than after his heart surgery, but he was grateful to even be alive considering how serious his injuries had been. His sternum had finally healed, for the most part, and moving around felt close to normal. There were still a lot of limitations he had, and he was under the care of Teddy until his heart healed fully, but he was starting to feel human again.

The wait for the police to find Adam Baker had been almost just as long, and he'd been sure Meredith was going to completely lose her mind during those last few weeks. He'd watched her deteriorate every day, become paranoid and hysterical over the most mundane things, and he'd been at a loss as to how he could help her. It was the first time he could remember not being able to help his wife through something, and that had been harder to face than the knowledge of Adam Baker being out there somewhere. It wasn't that he hadn't cared that the serial killer was uncaught, he just had so much energy focused on his physical recovery and Meredith that he hadn't been able to give it too much thought.

They'd finally gotten that call though, about a week ago, and he would never forget the reaction Meredith had when he told her that Adam Baker and his wife were in police custody. He'd thought for a minute that she was going to pass out, but instead she'd just sort of collapsed in his arms and cried. He'd sat there and held her, on a chair at their kitchen table, for almost an hour. Truth be known, immense relief had washed over him too. He was safe. His family was safe. They didn't have to worry about someone coming back and trying to hurt them again. He had hope that, once again, they could really work on healing and getting back to a place of normalcy. There would be a trial, at some point though, and the detective had made it clear that they would both be expected to testify. It seemed that with the way the legal system went, it wouldn't be before the end of the year though, and he was grateful for that. He didn't want Meredith's pregnancy having any more stressed stacked on it than they'd already faced.

"I have to say, I think I may be more excited about this appointment than the two of you are." Addison smiled and hugged them both as she walked into the exam room where Meredith and Derek were waiting for Meredith's twenty week scan. They'd purposefully scheduled it with her, and she'd been more than happy to make the trip down to see them, especially given everything that had happened. "It's good to see you, Derek. Especially in one piece. I'm sorry I couldn't get down here sooner to see you. My practice has been keeping me more than busy."

"We appreciate you coming," Derek smiled, glancing over to Meredith to make sure she was okay. Everything with her pregnancy had gone so well that he felt like they were almost waiting to get bad news or something, and he wondered if she worried the same way he did.

"Here's to hoping the next time you see us, no one is recovering from any life-threatening injuries." Meredith smiled, laying back on the table. She folded the band on her pants down before pulling her shirt up so her belly was exposed.

"If one of you has something crazy happen again, I'm going to have to put you in a bubble or something." Addison grabbed Meredith's chart, glancing through notes from her last appointment when she'd seen Dr. Hayes. "Looks like this baby has been doing great. Are you feeling a lot of movement?" She put the chart down, grabbing the ultrasound gel.

"Some." Meredith glanced over at the ultrasound screen when the wand went over her belly. "Most of it at night when I'm not so busy."

"Just a warning of the sleepless nights to come." Addison smiled, glancing at the screen. She took a couple of minutes to look at everything, leaving a silence in the room while she made sure there were no large and obvious abnormalities. "Baby looks great at first glance." She smiled.

Derek sighed with relief, reaching over to take Meredith's hand.

"Do you want to know the gender? We have a really good shot right here." Addison glanced over after hitting the button on the machine to print out a few pictures.

"We're dying to know." Meredith didn't look. She knew she'd be able to tell, and she wanted them to find out at the same time.

"This baby is definitely a girl." Addison smiled, handing the printed picture over to Derek. "All girl, and very healthy. Your placenta is posterior and fundal, right up at the top. Which really, is the best case scenario."

Meredith wiped tears from her eyes, laughing a bit as Derek kissed her. "A girl." Her heart melted when she saw the tears in his eyes. This is what they had waited so long for. A moment of pure joy. Derek's body was healing, her pregnancy was going well, Landon was growing and happy, and their baby girl was healthy. They were finally getting back on track.

"I'm so happy, Mer." Derek almost whispered, gently squeezing her hand.

It took Addison a few minutes to finish up the rest of the scan. Twenty weeks was really the one big ultrasound that mattered in pregnancy, and it required every part of the baby me measured and looked at just to make sure there were no abnormalities. "Everything looks great." She finally concluded, putting the ultrasound wand down. She wiped the gel off of Meredith's stomach and took her hand, helping her sit up.

"I can't believe everything is actually fine." Meredith admitted, pulling her shirt back down. "Guess this means I don't have to worry anymore."

"Unless something changes, this pregnancy looks like it's going to be perfectly normal." Addison smiled, scribbling a few things down on her chart. "Do you guys have a name picked out?"

"Not yet. We've talked about a few, but haven't really decided on anything." Meredith admitted. "We've been focused on...other things."

Addison definitely understood why. "Hopefully the second half of this pregnancy will be calm so you can enjoy it." She smiled, sitting down so she could talk to them. "Have you discussed your plans for this baby's birth with Dr. Hayes?" She knew it was likely to be a tough conversation, but it was one they needed to have.

Meredith sighed, glancing at Derek. She'd been hoping to avoid the subject though she knew it had to come up eventually. And honestly, she trusted Addison's judgement more than anyone else's. "We talked about it a little bit. She really wants me to schedule a c-section at thirty-eight weeks."

"Because of her two previous c-sections." Derek clarified, though he was sure Addison already knew that. He gently brushed his thumb over the back of Meredith's hand, knowing the whole conversation made her nervous. He didn't want her to have to go through another c-section, but he also didn't want to put her or their baby at risk.

"I'm assuming she explained why she felt like that was the best choice for you." Addison sympathized with Meredith. She knew that psychologically, both of her c-sections had been traumatic. Friend or not, though, she would give her the advice that she felt was safest for everyone.

"She did." Meredith paused. "But, Addison, it's not what I want. I don't want to have another surgery."

"Meredith," Addison frowned, quiet for a moment. "Did you explain your position to Dr. Hayes?"

"I did. But she wasn't really willing to back down. She wanted me to agree with schedule it at thirty-seven weeks so we could make sure I avoided labor completely, but I told her there was no way that was going to happen."

"We wanted to talk to you first." Derek interjected.

"Ultimately, it's your decision. Each of us are going to have opinions on what the right thing to do is."

Meredith looked at Addison. "Are you going to be able to be here, when the baby is born?"

"My plan is to be here, depending on what we decide about this. It would be hard for me to get here if you go into active labor with no warning."

"Addison," Derek finally pulled the conversation back in the right direction. "We need to know what you would recommend. Do you think it's safe for Meredith to try and have the baby naturally?"

"I think that given everything," She paused, looking at Meredith. "Both of your surgeries were very traumatic to your body. Your second c-section was one of the longest and scariest I've done. I don't want you in a situation again where we are in the operating room wondering what's going to happen. The risk of you having a natural delivery are high. I think Dr. Hayes is right. It is in the best interest of your baby and yourself to schedule surgery. A scheduled c-section is much different than a crash one. I can take my time cutting through scar tissue, we can move slowly, we can make sure you're doing okay the entire time..."

Meredith fought tears, but they fell anyway. "I don't want to do it again." She was grateful Derek was there, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. She desperately wanted to refuse, to tell Addison that there was no way she was agreeing to the surgery. At the end of the day, though, the health of her baby was what was most important.

"I know you don't." Addison said gently. "And if I thought we could do a controlled labor and be sure it was all going to go well, I would tell you. But your chance of a uterine rupture is higher than I'm comfortable with. It really would be ideal if we could do a scheduled c-section. I'm alright with you going to thirty-eight weeks, but I would like to avoid going longer than that."

Meredith stared at the floor, taking a moment to let it all sink in. She'd known that at some point Addison would offer her advice and her opinion. She'd promised Derek that whatever Addison said, they would trust. She'd promised him that she'd do what she suggested even if it wasn't what she wanted. But none of that made it any easier. "Okay." She finally relented, brushing tears away from her cheeks. "We can schedule a c-section. Thirty-eight weeks." She sighed.

Addison reached over, putting her hand on Meredith's arm. "It's going to be different this time." She assured her.

Meredith didn't really offer much more than a nod. She looked over to Derek when she'd left the room and the two of them were alone. "So, we're having a girl." She put a small smile on her face.

"We're having a girl." Derek smiled, leaning over and kissing her forehead. "Are you okay?"

"I knew it was coming." She sighed. "I've known all along that if there was another baby, this would be the reality. It's why I was so sure I was done. It was so much a part of the reason I didn't think I could have another baby."

"Mer." A frown settled on his face.

"I'll be okay, Derek. I just need some time to process this. It's a lot. But just, give me a couple of days. I'll be fine."

"Okay." He had to take her word for it, even if he wanted to press her to talk more.

"I guess we should think of a girls name," She changed the subject as they walked out into the hallway.

Derek nodded. "Do you have any that you've been thinking about?"

She shrugged. "Not really. I guess I've been so focused on making sure you're okay that I kind of pushed all of this to the side."

Derek reached over, putting his arm around her as they walked to their car. "It's over now, Mer. I'm getting a lot better."

"I know." She smiled. "But I'm your wife. It's my job to worry about you."

He laughed a bit. "I guess so."

"We probably have that baby name book somewhere."

"On the bookshelf in the living room." He couldn't help his amused grin. "I've glanced at it once or twice this week while you were working?"

"Really?!" She laughed. "Anything good in there?"

"I have a few I will show you tonight."

"Derek Shepherd, you've become so domestic."

They both laughed.

 **Let me know what you think!**


	17. Accidents & Distractions

**So...funny thing happened when I was revising...the chapter between the last one and this one...POOF. Gone. And since the laptop where I originally wrote is dead, it's...truly gone.**

 **In an attempt not to totally panic, I decided to just sort of fill in the gap as best I could at the start of this chapter. It may be choppy because I honestly can't remember what was there. So...I apologize!**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Sixteen**

Derek spent the next two weeks recovering at home. Eight weeks out from his surgery he was finally able to step back into Seattle Grace as a surgeon rather than a patient.

"Derek," Owen Hunt smiled when he saw his colleague step into the trauma room. "Good to have you back. Just in time, too."

"Glad to be back." Derek grabbed some gloves from the wall, pulling them on. "What do we have?"

"Stephen Jacobs. Thirty-two year-old father of four. Hit in a head-on accident. Loss of consciousness at the scene. He's been in and out of it since getting here, but his responses are a bit delayed and he seems to have some right-sided weakness." One of Meredith's new interns rattled the facts off as she finished up a dressing on a central line.

"Whose service are you on?" Derek glanced over to her for a brief moment before moving to assess the patient. "Mr. Jacobs, can you open your eyes for me? My name is Dr. Shepherd. I'm a neurosurgeon here. We're going to take good care of you."

"The other Dr. Shepherd." The intern suddenly seemed more hesitant.

"Dr. Grey," Derek corrected her. "Down here, in the middle of a trauma, you can refer to her as Dr. Grey. Keeps things simple." He took both of Stephen's hands when there was no response. "Mr. Jacobs, can you squeeze my hands?" He glanced to the intern. "Do you want to scrub in on a craniotomy?"

"Dr. Shepherd, his scans." A nurse entered the room, handing the films over to him.

"What do you say?" He glanced at the intern after briefly looking at the pictures in hand.

"Absolutely, sir." The intern couldn't hide a smile. It was a big deal for anyone to work with Derek Shepherd, but even bigger for her. She'd fought for an intern spot specifically because she'd known he was there. Being assigned to his wife had been both an asset and a hindrance. Ultimately, she wasn't going to let it stand in the way of what she'd come there for.

"Nina," He glanced at the nurse. "Call upstairs and tell them we're coming up." He wheeled the patient's bed to the elevator, glancing at the young woman who followed. "What's your name?"

"Morgan Henderson, sir." She flashed him another smile as they stepped off the elevator. "Glad to be able to scrub in."

"Is this your first craniotomy?" Derek was too focused on his patient and the task ahead to even give her much of a second glance, and he certainly didn't noticed how overly interested she was in looking at him and under-interested she seemed in the patient.

"My first." She nodded, standing next to him as they scrubbed hands in the sink.

"The first is always the best. Watch everything. You'll learn a lot." He stepped into the operating room, letting the scrub nurse help him into gloves before he stepped over to the patient.

"Welcome back, Dr. Shepherd." The scrub nurse smiled, noting the time the surgery started.

Derek wasn't surprised when the surgery ran long, but he was definitely exhausted by the time he got his patient to recovery that afternoon. Being back at work was definitely a plus, but he had to admit Meredith was right. Long shifts on his feet were going to be difficult at first. He sighed, grabbing a chair as he sat at the desk of the recovery unit, finishing up notes in the chart.

"I really appreciate you letting me scrub in today." Morgan Henderson was still there, pulling up a chair next to him. "You really are as amazing as they say."

Derek's hand paused and he looked over at her, bewildered. Suddenly he realized what she was doing, what she'd been doing all day. "Dr. Henderson." He shifted back in his chair, almost amused at how bold she was considering who her immediate boss was.

If Morgan noticed his disapproval, she didn't let it show. "Yes?" She smiled, subtly leaning in a bit closer to him.

"Dr. Shepherd," Nina, the nurse from downstairs, interrupted the two of them. "I'm sorry," She glanced between them, frowning a bit. "To interrupt." It didn't surprise her that a young ambitious intern would overstep her boundaries with him. Derek Shepherd was incredibly easy to look at, had an unusually compassionate and kind personality, and was clearly the best at his career. What did surprise her, though, was that he would reciprocate that. The entire hospital had watched his life with Meredith Grey for years. They had seemingly been head over heels in love with one another. And yet, her he was. She paused. "Your wife asked me to find you. She tried to page." She stressed the word wife, glancing at the intern next to him. "Your son is in the ER."

"What happened?!" He practically leapt out of his chair without pause, tossing his pen down on the table. "Stay here until he's taken to the ICU. Page me if anything changes. Anything." He didn't even look at Morgan Henderson as he rattled off instructions to her.

"Fell out of a high chair, I think." Nina looked over at him as they walked to the elevators. "Lost consciousness." She pushed the button on the wall to open the doors. "Not that it's any of my business, Dr. Shepherd, but you might want to keep your...friendships...a little more private."

"Nina." Derek stared at her as they stepped on the elevator, pressing the button for the first floor. He tapped the button to close the doors over and over as if somehow that would make it happen faster. "I don't know what you think you saw..."

She raised her hands, shrugging. "Like I said, none of my business. But your pregnant wife probably doesn't want to find out from the gossip circle around here."

He was far too focused on getting to his son to worry about explaining himself to her, "I love my wife." He left it at that, stepping off the elevator the moment the doors opened again.

"Exam one." She followed him as far as the entrance of the ER, but let him go beyond that, shaking her head. "Guess they're all jerks," She mumbled.

"Derek!" Meredith was frantic, red eyes looking up as he walked into the room. She ran her hand over Weston's head as the pediatric resident on call looked him over. "Mommy's here," She whispered, wiping fresh tears from her eyes.

Weston protested it all. The stranger, the bright lights, the fact that his mother wasn't holding him. He cried, struggling to get to her as his face turned red.

"Nina said he lost consciousness." Derek somehow managed to stay in surgeon mode despite the father in him wanting to scoop his son up from the table. "How long? How are his pupils? Has he been crying the whole time?"

"Dr. Shepherd." The woman who'd been looking the baby over smiled, putting her pen light back in her scrub top pocket. "Kelly Files." She stretched out her hand to shake his. "I don't believe we've met before."

"No." Derek shook her hand, briefly. "Did you order an MRI?"

"Yes." She smiled, not at all bothered by his calling the shots. She'd expected it, and honestly, she was grateful that he wasn't in full protective father mode. Doctors were much easier to handle than frantic parents. "He looks good, though. Pupils are equal and reactive, he's reaching for his mother, he's crying which really I think is just more of an age appropriate thing than a worry. It's likely he's fine. But we can't know for sure until we get the MRI back."

Derek nodded. He wanted to argue with her that the crying could be a bad sign, but he let it go as the radiology tech walked into the room.

"This will only take a couple of minutes." The young girl assured them as she picked up the baby. "One of you can come with us, but really, we'll be back in five minutes. So.."

"I'm coming." Meredith didn't hesitate, standing from the chair where she'd been sitting. She didn't glance at Derek. It wasn't because of him, specifically. She was just one-hundred percent focused on her little boy.

"Mer," Derek gently put his hand on her arm. "You can't go in with him. You're pregnant." He reminded her. He wanted to offer to go instead, but there was no way he was leaving her alone while she panicked. "They will be right back."

Her instinct was to argue with him, but she knew he was right. She wouldn't be allowed in the room while pregnant, so there really was no point in her going. "Okay," She let him ease her back into the chair, grateful when he sat down in the one next to her. "He looks good." He assured her.

Meredith watched as they left with him. "He fell." She began to sob all over again. "They let him fall. They didn't have him strapped in, Derek. He hit his head. And.."

"Breathe, Mer." His own heart was pounding against his chest, but he did what he could to hold it together for her. "It's going to be okay." He reached over and took her hand.

"You didn't answer your page."

"I know. I'm so sorry. My surgery ran long. I didn't see it."

"You look pale." She finally noticed his appearance, frowning. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He answered immediately. "Weston's going to be fine."

Meredith ignored him, resting her fingers on his wrist. "Derek," Her frown deepened. "Your heart is racing."

"Mer, our son is in the emergency room."

"Not that kind of racing." She almost glared at him. "You are not fine. We need to page Teddy."

"Meredith." Derek's voice was more firm. "We are not going to page Teddy. This is my first day here since surgery. I was on my feet a long time, and now my son is having an MRI. I'm going to sit here with you. My heart rate will come down. It just needs a chance."

She reached over, resting her hand on his chest, trying to believe that he was telling her the truth rather than just trying to make her feel better. "Are you in any pain?"

"Chest aches a bit. Nothing out of the normal for this point in recovery." He assured her.

Their conversation was interrupted when the radiology tech brought Weston back. She smiled as she handed him over to Meredith. "Dr. Files said she would have the results back in just a few minutes." She headed out of the room.

Weston curled up in his mom's arms, sniffling for a few minutes before he finally calmed down and fell asleep. Meredith sighed with relief, running her hand gently over his head. "Please be okay." She whispered. "Please be okay."

Derek watched the clock, suddenly more nervous without their conversation to distract him. He leaned back in his chair, watching Weston sleep. The wait seemed like an eternity despite the reality that it really was only about twenty minutes.

"Good news." Dr. Files smiled as she walked in, immediately handing the films over to Derek. She knew despite what she said, he would want to see them. "MRI was clear. I know both of you know, but it's incredibly difficult to diagnose a concussion in infants since they can't really tell us what's bothering them, but it's likely he probably has a small one. I'm confident that he's alright, though. Just keep an eye on him for the next couple of days. You know the drill. Bring him back here if anything changes. I'm sure he's in excellent hands." She smiled.

Meredith couldn't help the tears that fell with the news. "Thank God." She whispered, kissing the top of the sleeping baby's head.

Derek fought his own tears as he stood, looking at the films for himself. When he was satisfied the pediatrician was right, he reached over to shake her hand. "Thank you."

"My pleasure." She shook Meredith's hand again then left the room.

"I'm going to take him home." Meredith stood.

"Mer," Derek glanced at the clock. "You still have a few hours left on your shift and you've already taken a lot of your vacation time. Let me take him. I need to get out of here early anyway."

She hesitated. She didn't want to leave her son, but she also wanted Derek to get the rest that he needed. "Okay," She held onto Weston for a minute before reluctantly handing him over. "Are you sure you're okay to drive home?"

"I'm sure." He shifted Weston in his arms so he could rest his head on his shoulder. "Come on buddy." He whispered. "You scared mommy and daddy half to death today."

"Promise me you'll call me if something changes."

"Mer, you don't have to ask. I will call you if something happens. But his MRI was beautiful, so chances are he's absolutely fine."

"He passed out, Derek."

"Probably in response to the fall. His brain looks great."

She nodded, slowly. "Okay." She managed a small smile. "I love you." She gave him a quick kiss. "Both of you."

"I love you too, Mer." Derek grabbed the diaper bag from the back of the chair and headed out to the car. Truthfully, he was still shaken up about everything, so he was happy to be able to take Weston home. There was no way he was letting him out of his sight for a while. He also more than welcomed the rest, knowing there was no way he could have made it through the rest of his shift. "Nina," He caught the nurse on his way out.

"Dr. Shepherd." She glanced at Weston. "Glad he's okay."

He nodded, able to tell right away that she still believed he had done something wrong. That was a problem for another day, though, and he didn't bother to try and explain. "Please let Dr. Henderson know that I've gone home and that I want her to stay with my patient until he's awake. She can page Dr. Taylor if needed."

"Of course. Anything else you'd like me to tell her?"

"Nina." Derek sighed. He'd known the ER nurse for a long time, and he'd never known her to be so cold toward him. "There's nothing else." He sighed, heading out the door.

 **Don't panic about Morgan! And please review. :)**

 ***Revised 6/2017**


	18. Making Mistakes

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Seventeen**

Despite his pretty significant fall, Weston's clean bill of health in the emergency room ended up holding true. Derek stayed home with him for two days following the incident, and both of them reassured everyone that the baby was just fine. He was back to himself within hours of getting back to the house, and when the forty-eight hour mark came and went, both Derek and Meredith felt like they could breathe a sigh of relief.

"Susie knows to call us if something changes, right?" Meredith looked over at Derek as they walked into the hospital on that third morning.

"She does." Derek couldn't help but smile at his wife's worry. "But Mer, he's fine. It's been over forty-eight hours. If there was something there, we'd have seen signs of it by now."

"I know." She sighed. "I'm just nervous." She'd made the decision to hold him out of daycare for a while, at least until she could calm down about what had happened. Mistakes with kids happened, and she understood that, but as a mom and as someone who had already suffered far too much loss and near loss, she just wasn't ready to forgive it yet.

"He'll be fine." Derek pulled her into his arms, giving her a quick kiss. "I've got to go, but I'll find you in a few hours."

"Kick some surgery ass today." She grinned, heading to the elevators do to post-ops on her patients.

Derek watched her go, starting to feel a bit guilty that he'd scheduled an appointment with Teddy behind her back. He wanted to be sure that the fatigue, racing heart, and dull ache in his chest during and after his shifts were nothing more than a need to give his recovery more time. He was pretty sure she would say everything was fine, but a nagging worry in his mind wanted to know for sure. Meredith was nearing her third trimester of pregnancy, and if something funny was going on with his heart, he wanted to know before they had a newborn in the house.

"Derek," Teddy smiled as she walked into the exam room a few minutes later, his chart in hand. She set the folder on the counter. "Didn't expect to see you on my schedule today."

"I didn't really expect to be here." He admitted. "Just had some things I wanted to check on. Just to be safe." He clarified when he saw her expression.

Teddy nodded, taking her stethoscope from around her neck. "What kind of symptoms are you experiencing?" She stopped to listen to his heart, pausing there for a minute to make sure she didn't miss anything.

"This is only my second shift back so I really only have one day to complain about, but Meredith was concerned and I guess I have to admit it made me worry. Really it's nothing huge. Just still really fatigued. I had a craniotomy that ran long and by the time I was done my chest was aching and my heart was racing."

"How many hours was that?" She sat down so she could listen to him.

Derek thought back. "Four or five?"

"Derek," Teddy paused, "Four or five hours on your feet with no break, at this stage in your recovery, is a long time. Your heart is still recovering from major surgery. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I know it's hard to not be back where you were. Fatigue is expected, and I'm completely fine with that. But if you're pushing yourself into tachycardia and pain, I don't like that. For these first few weeks, you need to cut back on the time you're on your feet with no break. Surgery is fine, but if you start to feel off, you need to take a break. I know that means getting someone to take over for you, but if that's what it takes to keep you safe, then that's what you need to do."

"Teddy," Derek sighed. He was relieved that she didn't seem to think it was a huge problem. Still, that didn't make what she said any easier to hear. "I'm here. And because I'm here, people expect me to work. I need to be working. I can't have surgeons lined up to take over for me."

"Derek, if you keep this up, you're going to pass out one day. In the middle of the operating room. And you'll end up admitted and then what? On cardiac medications, or worse. Do you have any swelling?"

"No swelling." He frowned.

"I need to know that you hear what I'm saying."

"I hear you. I do. I just.."

"I really think that if you just give this another three to four weeks, it will be a non-issue, but that's only true if you're taking it easy in the meantime. You're here because you wanted to assure Meredith this wasn't a big deal, right? So I'm assuming that means you don't want to tell her that you're going back into the hospital for complications."

"I'm a pretty bad patient, Teddy, but not so horrible that I would ignore what you recommend." He assured her. "I'll take breaks."

She nodded, smiling. "I know it's hard not being back completely. But that will come soon. If things get worse, let me know. We'll run some more in depth tests just to be sure. But I'm pretty confident this is just you doing too much too soon."

"Thanks, Teddy." Derek stood, glancing at the clock. All things aside, he had a surgery to get to. He just hoped he could get through it before his body yelled at him.

"First sign of symptoms." She reminded him. "You sit down." She signed off on his chart before leaving the room.

Derek contemplated whether or not telling Meredith was a good idea. He tried to decide if it would just make her worry more or if she would be confident that he really was alright.

"Dr. Shepherd." Morgan Henderson interrupted his thoughts.

"Dr. Henderson." Derek glanced over as he stepped onto the elevator, sighing when she followed him.

"I heard about your son." She gave him a concerned look. "Glad he's okay. I heard you had a tumor removal today. I was hoping maybe I..."

"Dr. Henderson." He stopped the elevator, turning to look at her. "Morgan." He paused to gather his thoughts. "This has to stop. I'm married. I'm sure you know that, seeing as how you're my wife's intern."

She frowned at first, then forced a confused look. "Many successful men are married, Derek. Doesn't mean they can't enjoy, other interests." She reached out, resting her hand on his arm. "The two of you have a son, and she's pregnant. I'm sure that's left you..."

"I'm in love, with my wife." He stated firmly, moving her hand from his arm. "This is grossly inappropriate. I don't want to be the reason your career ends before it starts, Dr. Henderson. I'm sure this is just a momentary lapse of judgement. So I'll do you the favor of not reporting you to the chief. But this is your one and only warning from me. This stops now."

"Dr. Shepherd." Morgan quickly shifted tactics, so easily that it was clear this game wasn't new to her. "I'm sorry. I assumed you wanted this."

"You assumed I wanted a woman whom I just met to throw herself at me in the middle of my shift at the place where my wife works?" He stared at her.

"You were flirting with me all day Tuesday." The lie came far too easily.

"Goodbye, Dr. Henderson." Derek was relieved when the elevator doors opened, and he didn't give her a second glance before going to scrub in for his surgery.

It was rare that he was distracted, but he found it almost impossible to focus, his mind racing. Meredith was the love of his life. He had no problem admitting that to anyone. This woman...girl..was potentially a threat to his marriage. He didn't worry about his own resolve, seeing as how he had no desire or intention to even look in the direction of someone else, but he worried about how people talked. He worried how quickly rumors spread, and despite his commitment to Meredith Grey, he knew some still assumed he was the cheating type considering what had happened when Addison first came to Seattle.

"Dr. Shepherd." At some point about four hours in, his scrub nurse expressed her concern at his appearance. "Would you like me to page someone to take over for you?"

Derek's first instinct was to say no. But he'd removed the tumor and really the rest was just double-checking for residual and bleeds and closing the incision. He knew he must look bad for her to ask, and with his heart screaming warnings at him, he nodded. "That would be fine."

She smiled and grabbed the phone on the wall. "I think Dr. Grey is coming." She said when she hung up.

Derek sighed, nodding. If there had been anything further to do he'd have hesitated, but he figured there probably wasn't any other option for the time being.

Meredith was there in a matter of minutes, trying to hide her panic when she stepped into the operating room. "Are you alright, Dr. Shepherd?" Wife mode was forced aside, and she tried to keep her concern professional.

"Just need to take a break. I'm fine." He assured her. "I was just doing some double-checking for any bleeds and then you're good to close." He stepped away from the surgical field.

"Okay." She watched him for a minute before turning her attention to the patient.

Derek contemplated staying and just grabbing a chair against the wall, but ultimately decided he really might pass out, so he scrubbed out. As soon as he had the chance to go to an on-call room where there was silence, he breathed a sigh or relief, assuming much of what he was feeling was related to stress. He laid back on crappy bed there, thoughts once again shifting to Morgan Handerson as he tried to figure out what was best. If he turned her into the chief, she'd be fired, and would likely never find another intern spot. He didn't want that for any new surgeon. Still, he didn't want to risk the entire thing blowing up in his face.

As it turned out, the decision quickly became quite easy as it was taken from his hand. Richard Webber called him into his office that evening just before his shift ended. "Have a seat, Derek."

Derek frowned, noticing the lawyer from human resources who was seated there in the office with them. "What's this about?"

"There's been a complaint filed against you." Richard hesitated, obviously having difficulty with the entire thing. "For sexual harassment." He concluded.

"By Morgan Henderson." Fury clenched his chest, and he shook his head. "Unbelievable." He sighed, resisting the urge to punch a hole through the wall.

"Dr. Shepherd." The lawyer frowned, less than impressed by his response. "I'm sure you understand that this is a very serious accusation."

"This accusation, is complete shit." Derek stood. "There's nothing to discuss here. Nothing."

"Derek," Richard frowned. "I need for you to sit down."

"Morgan Henderson is an intern who came here for the sole purpose of throwing herself at me. When I refused her advances and made it clear I wasn't interested, she accused me of flirting with her. I'm assuming that's what this is about."

"Dr. Shepherd, I'm sure you know we can't give you the name of the staff member who reported this. Not at this stage in our investigation." The lawyer wasn't phased by his outburst. "But there is another person who has reported this as well."

"I am married!" He slammed his fist down on Richard's desk as he sat down. "Happily married!" He glared at the lawyer. "I love my wife."

"Derek," Richard tried, again, to calm the situation down. "I need for you to relax. This is not helping the situation."

"So what is it that the two of you want?" Derek shook his head. "Everyone in this room knows who filed that report. And I'm telling you, it's unfounded. If anyone should have filed a report, it should have been me."

"There will be an investigation, Dr. Shepherd." The lawyer watched him. "If our finding is that you've participated in the sexual harassment of an employee here, you will be fired."

"This is absurd." Derek stood. "This entire thing, is absurd." He stormed out of Derek's office. Rational thinking was thrown out the window as he set out to find Morgan Henderson. There was no way in hell he was going to let her ruin his career. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was taking a massive risk having contact with her, but he was in full protective mode. He wasn't going to let anyone or anything ruin his career, his life, or his family.

"Dr. Shepherd." Morgan Henderson frowned when he approached her on the catwalk. "Please, leave me alone."

"Leave you alone?!" Now he was yelling, unfazed and uncaring as to where he was or who might be there. "You throw yourself at me like some whore from the street, get offended when I tell you I'm married and very much love my wife, then file a sexual harassment complaint against me after I offer to say nothing so you can become a surgeon, and now you want me to leave you alone?!"

She stared at him like a deer in headlights, honestly too stunned by his anger to really know how to respond. This was a side of him she didn't know about. She didn't know about the hitting an engagement ring with a baseball bat while drunk Derek. "Dr. Shepherd."

"You go in there, now, and tell the truth! Tell them you made this entire thing up. Because I'm not taking the fall for your immaturity! I've built a life and a career here! I have a family!" There was a long and tense pause as the two of them stared at one another.

She nodded, quickly. It became incredibly obvious to her that she wasn't going to win to this guy, and suddenly she wasn't sure she wanted to. It had all been fun and games before, but now she was being humiliated in front of an entire hospital, and the man she'd glorified in her mind looked angry enough to throw her over the railing. "I'm sorry." Was all she could manage before tearfully making her way to the chief's office.

Derek watched her go, deep regret washing over him when he glanced down at saw the some fifty people looking up, watching. He sighed, walking toward the elevators to leave. "Meredith..." His blood ran cold when he saw her standing there.

"There's nothing to say." She almost couldn't get even a few words out, the walls feeling like they were closing in on her. "Just.." She tried to force aside the rapid waves on nausea and dizziness that launched their attack.

"Meredith," Derek watched the color fade from her face, catching her as she started to sink to the floor. "Breathe, Mer. Take a few deep breaths for me."

"I'm going to pass out." She mumbled, letting him hold her only because it beat the alternative of her head hitting the tile.

"I've got you." He assured her, lifting her into his arms. He was caught off-guard by the ripping pain across his chest, and he groaned, though he didn't let her go. There was an on-call room just feet away, and he took her there, shutting the door behind them.

"I always thought...I..." Meredith couldn't help her tears when he lowered her onto the bed. "I thought it was...I...you...she..."

"Meredith." He frowned, sitting next to her as he rubbed his chest, begging the pain there to stop. A few slow breaths helped, a little. "Nothing happened between Morgan Henderson and I. Absolutely nothing. So whatever you've heard, please, put it aside. She flirted, she suggested some things, and I very clearly told her no. I'm married to you. I'm committed to you. And I'm in love with you. I have eyes for you only."

"You hurt yourself." She managed some sort of clarity as she wiped tears away.

"I'm fine." He sighed.

"Derek..."

There was a silence as both of them absorbed the heaviness of what had just happened. For a few minutes, neither of them knew what to say, so they said nothing at all.

"You are the love of my life, Meredith. There has never been, and there will never be anyone else. Please trust me." Derek finally broke the silence.

"I trust you." Her voice was small. "The whole hospital heard what you..."

"I know." He sighed. "I know. And I regret that. But I was..." He sighed. "I've never felt so threatened, Mer. They threatened to take my job. I didn't want you hurt in all of this."

"I just want to go home." She mumbled.

"Okay," He put his hand on her stomach, brushing his thumb over it. "We'll talk about this later."

"We don't need to talk about it at all."

Derek knew she didn't mean that, but he figured she'd had enough for the time being, so he decided to say nothing else, just helped her sit up. He made sure she was okay before he let her get up and walk to the car with him. They both ignored the stares and whispers behind them.

*Revised 6/2017


	19. Act of Trust

**There were SO many reviews for the last chapter, and it really meant a lot to me to read all of them. Thank you guys for your feedback. It's always so much easier to keep writing when you can read what people are thinking, judge how people are feeling about your story, and know it is being enjoyed!**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Eighteen**

That night was a quiet one. Meredith had made it clear she wasn't much in the mood for talking, and Derek did what he could to respect that. All things considered, he was sort of grateful for the time to reflect. He regretted not doing the right thing in the first place. Looking back, he wished he had gone straight to the chief about Morgan Henderson rather than giving her an opportunity that clearly she hadn't deserved. Now not only was she going to lose her job and likely her career, but he'd humiliated both himself and his wife in the process of everything. There was a lot of regret, and he wished he had a way to turn back time and make different decisions. As the hours passed, he started to wonder if Meredith believed him, or if she was convinced something really had happened between he and her intern. Most of all he hated that she had to go back to work where by morning the entire hospital would knew what transpired. The only thing that went right was Landon's quick bedtime, and he sighed as he shut the door to the nursery after getting him down. "I had an appointment with Teddy today." He hoped she would at least let him talk to her about something else.

Meredith hesitated to even answer him. She'd cried most of the way home that evening, and for another hour after they'd gotten home. She'd had to tell him three times that she didn't want to talk about it before he finally seemed to accept that and stopped pressuring her about it. It didn't make it any easier though, for her to sit and replay the events of the end of their shift in her mind. She thought back on every word he'd yelled at Morgan Henderson, every inflection in his voice, every look he'd had on his face. She tried to find a reason to believe that he was telling the truth. Then she tried to find a reason to believe he wasn't. Meredith's entire world was Derek Shepherd and their son. She had placed her life in his hands far too many times to count, and he'd always been there. He was steady, and loyal, and deeply in love with her. Those things she knew. But doubts creeped in despite her trying to shove them away. People had whispered. Nina had given them a look as they left the hospital. Morgan had looked at her husband the way she imagined she used to look at him when he was still married to Addison and her panties were pinned to the wall. She replayed his promise over and over to her that she could trust him, that nothing had happened. Still, none of it seemed to go away, at least not then. She finally forced herself to stop thinking about it, hoping sleep would bring some clarity to the situation. "Is something wrong?" His confession drew her out of her own thoughts, and she rolled over in bed to look at him. She wasn't much up for talking, but if there was something she needed to know about his health, she didn't want it waiting until morning.

"I was more concerned than I cared to admit, about my stamina." He admitted.

She sighed. "You didn't tell me you were going to see her."

"I didn't want you to worry for nothing, Mer. You've got enough on your plate."

"What did she say?" She was too overwhelmed to argue with him about his inability and refusal to be honest with her regarding how he was feeling.

"I told her about what happened after my first shift back, and how I'd been feeling the last few days. She said she thinks my expectations are just too high right now, and that I just need to give it more time."

"That's all she said?" She wasn't sure if she could believe him anymore. That killed her.

"She made me promise to take breaks if I needed them, which is why you were paged today to finish my surgery. But she said in three to four weeks I should be mostly back to normal."

"Derek," Meredith didn't want to make him mad, but she also wanted to be sure he wasn't leaving out any details. "There was nothing else?"

He sighed, knowing he probably deserved her doubt, everything considered. "There was nothing else, Mer. I would tell you if there was something to worry about."

"I'm glad it's nothing." She mumbled, suddenly not in the mood to talk anymore. She rolled over, closing her eyes.

Derek reached over and rested his hand on her arm, but she shrugged it off. He sighed, turning his lamp off. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

\- GA - GA - GA -

Susie was at their house early the next morning, giving them the much-needed opportunity to finally discuss the sexual harassment issue. Neither one of them was looking forward to laying it all out in the open again, but they both knew it was dangerous to let it sit without talking about it. They'd been through too much in their relationship and had experienced too many things to fall into the trap of thinking that a lack of communication would cause anything other than more pain down the road. Back when they'd seen a therapist for Greyson's death it was the one thing that had been hammered into them. Communication was the foundation of a relationship, especially in the difficult moments.

"Meredith," Derek sat down on their bed after they were both dressed that morning. "I need you to know that there is absolutely nothing going on between Morgan Henderson and I. There was never anything going on between us."

"I want to know the story." Meredith surprised even herself with her response. "The whole story. How it started, what she did, what you did...what the two of you said. How long it lasted."

"I just told you," He frowned. "Nothing happened. There's not much of a story to tell."

"There has to be a story, Derek, or the entire hospital wouldn't be talking about us."

Derek sighed, running his hand through his hair as he struggled to gather his thoughts. "I just met her a few days ago, on my first shift back after surgery. She was in the ER when Stephen Jacobs came in. I asked her if she wanted to scrub in. She said yes. She mentioned she was on your service. She stayed for the surgery. Everything seemed normal. She followed me to recovery," He sighed, wondering if this was going to make things better or worse. Meredith seemed, fragile, and he wasn't sure she was even going to hear things rationally. She hadn't left him much choice though, so after a moment of hesitation, he continued. "She made a comment out of nowhere, about how awesome I was...or something. I don't really remember because it wasn't important to me. I was about to tell her she needed to leave, but Nina came upstairs and told me you were in the ER with Landon."

Meredith listened, hanging on to his every word as she tried to decide whether or not she was getting the entire story or if in reality she really was just the wife now. She struggled with the thought that maybe his attention and passion had been with someone else. "That's all that happened?"

"That day, yes." He frowned. "Yesterday morning she saw me in the elevator after I saw Teddy. I was on my way to a surgery. She just...launched herself at me, I guess. Started talking about how she knew I was lonely, she didn't care that I was married, she assumed all successful men cheated...she put her hand on my arm. I told her very clearly that I loved you and that my eyes were only for you. I told her I would to her the favor of not telling the chief. I told her I was giving her the chance to save her career. She flipped out and told me I had been flirting with her and that she was confused because I had initiated everything." He sighed, shaking his head a bit. "I am so sorry, Meredith. If I had thought for one second that she would do this, I would have reported her. Humiliating you is the very last thing I would ever want to do. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would change so many things."

"So you didn't kiss her." It was almost more of a statement than a question."

"No!" He frowned. "I told you, Meredith. There was absolutely nothing between us. She filed that sexual harassment complaint because I turned her down and she was mad about it. Richard pulled me into his office and legal was there, telling me I was going to lose my job if the investigation was in her favor." He paused. "I lost it. All I saw was red. I wasn't thinking about anything but protecting our family. Protecting you, and my job. And I screwed up."

"Derek," Somewhere in the middle of his apology she realized who she was sitting next to, and guilt washed over her. This was the man that had fought for her life, the man that had held her and cried with her when their son died, the man that had almost been stabbed to death and had fought for his life just a few short weeks ago, the man that had pulled her out of the water when she almost drowned. Her Derek wasn't a man who had wandering eyes, or who wasn't satisfied with the life they had. He wasn't a man who was looking for someone outside of her. "It's okay." She reached over to take his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I don't understand why you made the choices you made, but I sort of get it. And it's okay."

He looked over at her with glassy eyes. "Meredith, you and I are more than enough for me. I don't want anyone but you. I would never hurt you, ever."

"I know." She smiled a bit. "At some point someone will do something far more interesting than yelling at a slutty intern on the catwalk. People will forget about this, and they'll stop talking about it. Until then, it might be a tad awkward. But we'll figure it out. We always do, right?"

He couldn't help but laugh a bit. "I guess we do." He let go of her hand so he could pull her into his arms, resting his other hand on her belly. "I guess you're short an intern now."

"What a shame." Sarcasm dripped from her voice. "She was so focused on surgery."

They both laughed.

"It confuses me, that of all the men in the hospital, she picked me. A guy she'd known...four minutes."

"It confuses you? Really?" She rolled her eyes. "Derek, there's a reason your McDreamy. Seriously."

"There's not much about me that's..."

"Seriously." She cut him off. "If you can't see that every woman would throw herself at your feet if she could, you're crazy. I'm the luckiest woman in the world. Truly."

"I'm the lucky one, Mer. You're extraordinary. I'm just a guy."

"You have the hair."

He laughed.

*Revised 2017


	20. Rumors and Surgeons

**Thank you for the reviews! Someone mentioned it would be strange for Meredith not to trust Derek and asked if it was pregnancy related. Absolutely! A resounding yes to hormone-induced crazy. Lol**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Nineteen**

"Tell me everyone didn't spend last shift talking about my husband."

"Not your husband, specifically." Cristina handed her a cup of coffee.

"Dude, it was definitely about Derek." Alex raised an eyebrow, glancing at Cristina. "Naked Derek. With her."

"Alex." Cristina frowned.

He shrugged. "She asked."

"He didn't have sex with her." Meredith sighed, glancing at the coffee before basically consuming it in mostly one gulp. She blamed it on nerves. It was strange, she admitted, to be on the other side of the rumor equation. She wondered how Addison had managed to deal with it, and better yet, why she'd bothered to stay through it all. Only then, the rumors had been truth. Even worse, she decided.

"Big pot of money going around here says he did."

Cristina shot Alex a look. "She says he didn't"

"He didn't!" Meredith frowned. "Seriously. There was no sex. There was no kissing. Just one big pile of crazy intern."

"I just made twenty bucks." Alex walked off to start pre-ops.

"Remind me why we talk to him." Cristina glanced at Meredith.

"He's family." She sighed. "Derek didn't do anything wrong."

"It's the hair. Makes all the girls crazy." Cristina pointed out. "In a week or two no one will remember it. She's gone anyway."

"People are really betting money on whether or not he had an affair?"

"McDreamy worships the ground you walk on." Cristina shrugged. "Doesn't matter what they think."

"I have to work here."

Cristina held out another cup. "More coffee?"

"Trying not to kill baby." Meredith laughed, grabbing her stack of charts. "I have to finish all of these dictations Morgan didn't do before she tried to solicit my husband for sex."

"You have to admit she was dumb as rocks. She wouldn't have made a good surgeon anyway."

"Cristina."

She shrugged. "Just trying to be helpful. He could have picked a smart one."

"He didn't pick...anyone." Meredith sighed.

"You have charts to do." Cristina headed off to see patients.

"Morning," Derek interrupted Meredith's thoughts before she could sit down.

"Word on the street is quite a few people will be pretty rich if you had sex with Morgan Henderson." Meredith smiled, welcoming the quick kiss he offered.

"I hate to disappoint their bank accounts." He grinned, wrapping an arm around her before kissing her again. "You're okay?" All jokes aside, Derek worried that the rumor mill would affect his wife, especially considering her breakdown at home about it.

"I'm okay," She shrugged a bit, for once grateful for his public affection for her. She ignored the looks from the nurses, glad she could add to their speculation. "Now you'll be a player." She grinned.

"Have to keep their hope for money alive." He smiled, letting her go after a minute.

"Alex put twenty in that you are the perfect gentleman."

"How noble of him." He laughed.

"Hey, at least he bet in your favor."

"It is quite shocking." He sat down, motioning for her to do the same.

"This is starting to feel like a romantic date." Meredith grinned, sitting.

"A work date."

"In the middle of...everyone." She laughed.

"No better dates than these." He smiled, kissing her again. "I love you, Meredith Shepherd."

"You know, when you get in these moods, I can get you to do just about anything." She grinned suggestively, actually enjoying the looks their display earned them. She was his wife. He had picked her. She chose to enjoy that.

"Is there something you want?" He smiled, handing her a pen when he noticed her stack of charts, figuring she planned to spend the morning working on them since he hadn't seen her name on the surgical boards.

"I think, for now, I'm happy just having you." She smiled, taking the pen from him. "And as fun as this is, I think we're starting a new rumor."

"And which one is that, Mrs. Shepherd?" He grinned.

"The sloppy make-up sex at work rumor."

He laughed. "I don't mind that one."

"You're making the other girls jealous." She loved seeing him laugh, really laugh. After how difficult the last few months had been, this was nice. Even if they were at work, in front of everyone, they were happy. They were laughing, and enjoying one another. She'd needed that. All crappy rumors about him aside, Meredith knew Derek Shepherd was hers, and she knew she was the luckiest girl in the world because of it.

 **\- GA - GA - GA -**

Teddy Altman's prediction that time would bring Derek to a place of normalcy turned out to be true. By the time another four weeks had passed, Derek felt like himself again. It had taken him following her advice. He rested when he needed to, cut surgeries short when he felt himself fading, and tried to give himself a break when he had a chance. When he could finally work a full shift without feeling like he was going to pass out, he was thrilled. Life was back to normal, or as normal as it could be with the insanity that usually surrounded them.

"Hey," Meredith smiled when she found him in the hallway that morning. "I need a consult. You free?"

"Always free for a beautiful lady." He grinned as he took the chart from her, flipping through it.

"Okay, that's terrible. Just stop." She laughed, shaking her head. "Seventeen year-old girl. Mallory Carter. Started having seizures a few months ago. Three doctors have diagnosed her with an inoperable brain tumor. I don't really see a way to get it out, but I told her parents that you were the best and that they shouldn't take no for an answer until you took a look." She watched as he looked through the chart, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Her hand moved to rest on her growing belly. Even at twenty-seven weeks pregnant, she felt like her due date was a lifetime away.

"You okay?" Derek noticed her exaggerated breath, and he glanced over to her.

"Braxton hicks. I guess it's a thing when it's your third baby. Google says so."

"Google?" His amusement was obvious.

"It's a legitimately useful tool." She argued, handing the films over from her patient's most recent brain scans. "Lots of women go onto these forums and stuff. Apparently tons of Braxton hicks are common. And obnoxious. Not really sure what the point of practice labor is if you don't actually get to labor anyway."

"I'm not sure your uterus knows that." He grinned. "Too many Braxton hicks can be caused by dehydration." He was still looking at the scans, holding them up to the light.

"You're suddenly the resident baby expert?" Her expression matched his.

"Google is a wealth of information."

"Jerk." She laughed, taking the chart back from him. "So, about the tumor?"

"You should drink a few bottles of water. See if it helps. Seriously." He handed the scans back to her. "I might be able to get it out, but not without enormous risk to basic functions."

"She's going to die anyway." Meredith pointed out, sighing. "She just got accepted to college. She wants to be a doctor."

"We could let her family decide," Derek pondered it for a moment. "But Meredith, we would have to be sure that they really understand the risks. With the rate her records indicate it's been growing, she probably has another three months of normal life left if we do nothing. If I open her up and this goes in the wrong direction, that time won't exist."

"Lets talk to her, and her family. Let them decide. Do you have room on your schedule this week?"

"Today," He frowned a bit. "But that's a quick decision for them. Otherwise it would have to be next week."

"Today is fast." She sighed, thinking. "I guess we just, let them decide. She's already NPO, so if they want to do it, I guess we could. Doesn't give you much time to prepare."

"It's not ideal." He agreed.

"Insurance is already fighting her stay." Meredith admitted. "There's no way they are going to pay for her to stay here another five days just to wait. And they're from Florida, so their cost to be here is enormous."

Ultimately, all of the chatter between them didn't matter much. The choice came down to Mallory Carter and her family. Derek and Meredith presented things as factually as they could, keeping their personal opinions out of the conversation as much as they could. Meredith knew they both thought the surgery was too risky, though she also knew her husband well enough to know that he saw risky cases as opportunities for success. It's part of what made him so great. She let Derek lead most of the conversation, knowing it was his expertise that gave Mallory the only chance she had. She'd already admitted that she felt it was inoperable, though she knew she'd be scrubbing in if they chose the operation.

"I want to have the operation." Mallory Carter was firm in her decision.

"The three of you do understand how large this risk is." Meredith looked at them, wanting to be sure they understood the gravity of their decision.

"Everyone we've spoken to says you're the best." Mallory's mom looked at Derek. "We want her to have a chance. Without this, she dies. We want her to have the surgery, today."

Derek was hesitant to agree. He'd given them the choice, but he'd hoped they would decide against it completely. He wasn't very confident that he could make this a success, and the pressure was intensified in the tiny amount of time he had to prepare. He sighed, glancing at the clock. "We'll start at noon. Please, take the next three hours to really think about this. You are absolutely free to change your minds."

Meredith followed him to an empty room so they could spread Mallory's scans out on the table. "You're nervous." She frowned, closing the door behind her.

"Our chances are slim." He stared at the images in front of him, starting to wonder if he'd made a mistake.

"Derek." She drew in a slow breath, rubbing her belly again. "I think we've had enough practice." She mumbled and looked over at her husband when the tightening faded. "You are Mallory's only chance. You can do this. I've seen you remove the impossible before. You have a gift."

"How many of those have you had today?" He sat down, thinking. "I really think you should try the water."

"I lost count at like fifty." She headed toward the door, but stopped when she noticed his look. "I'm exaggerating." She assured him. "Do you want something to drink?" She was really willing to do just about anything to make the annoying practice contractions go away, and drinking a few bottles of water seemed like a small price to pay, especially if it actually helped.

"Coffee." He ran a hand through his hair, staring back at the table. "Lots of coffee."

She smiled a bit, hoping in the next few hours he would gain some of his normal confidence. She wondered if he was regretting agreeing to take the case. "I'll be back."

Derek didn't look up as she left the room. He was too focused on the task at hand. That focus remained for the next few hours while he planned the surgery out the best he could. There were absolutely no room for errors considering the location of the girl's tumor. He could make no mistakes. His path to removal had to be perfect, and even then, there were no guarantees that she would have any quality of life after they were done.

"What would you do, if it was our daughter?" Meredith looked over to him later in the day as they scrubbed their hands at the operating room sink.

"With the tumor?" He frowned, looking over.

"Yeah. Would you want to try to at least remove it?"

Derek thought for a moment, careful with his answer despite it being an obviously hypothetical situation. "I'd want her to have a chance to live." He finally answered.

"Me too." She admitted. "I think that means you're doing the right thing. You're doing this because it's what you believe in. It's who you are."

He nodded, realizing that there was a lot of truth to what she said. "How are you feeling?" He let his gaze move to her belly for a moment. "If you need a break at any time, just take it."

"I'm fine. I've been fine for twenty-seven weeks. Don't expect that to change now."

"Did the water help any? With the Braxton Hicks?"

She shrugged. "Not so much, but maybe it takes time." She followed him into the operating room. "I'll ask Addison when I see her tomorrow if she has any tricks we don't know about." They lucked out, really, that Addison had time to see her while she was in town for a surgical convention. It was likely the last time she would see her before her scheduled c-section, and she was glad that she'd been able to find a time to meet. Everything was just the way it should be, but she still worried sometimes that they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

*Revised 2017


	21. Not Today

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Twenty**

The first three hours of Mallory Carter's surgery were incredibly long and intense. Derek had yelled words that Meredith didn't know he even had in his vocabulary. He'd thrown a couple of things, a sign to her that he was in over his head. But at some point he'd pulled himself back together, and around the halfway point she felt like they were easing into some peace.

Derek was exhausted, mentally, by the time his patient was wheeled to the ICU after eight hours in surgery. There had been several times he'd thought they were going to have to close without finishing, but he'd managed. Now they waited. In what was probably one of his most challenging tumor removals ever, he admitted he had no idea what outcome to expect. He sat just outside that ICU room for two hours while they waited on her to wake up. Despite how exhausted he was, he wasn't leaving until he saw for himself whether or not she was alright.

Mallory Carter took a lot longer to come out of anesthesia than anyone expected. By that evening, Meredith had started to assume that they were in for a bad outcome. Still, she hadn't argued with Derek when he'd insisted on staying there. Normally she would have stayed with him, but she was too tired to stay on her feet any longer, and she didn't want Susie to have to stay overnight when it was avoidable. "I'll see you at home." She'd given him a quick kiss before leaving.

Derek didn't climb into bed next to her until three that morning. He had only a few hours of sleep before he had to be back at work, but their bed was always ten times better than trying to get comfortable in an on-call room.

"How is she?"

He frowned, surprised when he heard his wife mumbled. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "Didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."

"Derek," Meredith opened one eye, barely. "How is Mallory?"

"She was moving all extremities and complaining about being in pain when I left. Oriented to place and time, and able to identify her parents."

"Derek Shepherd," Meredith forced both eyes open, tears falling onto her cheeks. "You saved a life today."

"I just removed a tumor. It's what surgeons do." Despite the downplaying of his words, his smile told of his pride.

"You are an incredibly gifted surgeon." She smiled, allowing her eyes to close again. "Get some sleep."

"Goodnight, Mer. So sorry I woke you." He gave her a quick kiss before letting his head hit the pillow. Within a matter of minutes, he was asleep.

Meredith let Derek sleep that morning rather than waking him when the alarm went off. She could count on one hand the number of times that he'd ever been late for a shift, but seeing as how he'd literally slept three hours, she couldn't bring herself to tell him to get up. His job was more than secure, late or not, and she figured he would end up waking up on his own in a couple of hours. She scribbled him a note, leaving it on the kitchen counter under his keys before she left. She hated that he was likely going to miss her appointment with Addison, but she figured it wasn't really a big deal in the scheme of things.

She spent the morning doing rounds on her patients and walking her interns through a few things in the emergency room, all the while bugged by what seemed like near constant Braxton Hicks contractions. They'd become a little more than just a nuisance, and she found herself actually having to stop what she was doing in the middle of a few of them. Dr. Bailey had noticed her in the hallway a couple of times and had comment about having them while she was pregnant, and it had only annoyed Meredith to hear they usually only got worse the further into the third trimester you got. She thought back, but she didn't really remember having many at all when she was pregnant with Landon.

"What can you do to make Braxton Hicks go away?" She practically blurted out the question when she saw Addison later in the morning.

"Have your baby?" Addison teased with a smile, closing the door behind her. "No Derek today?" She was surprised when she didn't see her ex-husband there.

"We had a crazy shift yesterday. He didn't get home until three in the morning. He texted me a few minutes ago and was just getting ready to leave the house. So, just me. And seriously, these things are driving me nuts. There has to be something. Derek says google told him drinking water would help, but it didn't. Google told me sitting down would help. Another stupid crap lie."

Addison's teasing expression shifted. "Usually those things do help. How many of them are you having?" She helped Meredith lie back on the table so she could measure her belly. "Measuring right on track." She grabbed the doppler to check the baby's heartbeat.

"Tons." Meredith couldn't hide her annoyance. "Seriously. I can't even do my job. I feel like I'm having to stop all the time."

"Meredith," Addison set aside the doppler after a moment of listening. "How many is tons? You're having to pause when they come?"

Sudden realization washed over her, and Meredith could feel her heart pounding against her chest. "It's a lot. I don't know how many. I don't count. I've had them for a few days, but they only really started to get frequent yesterday. You think they're real contractions?"

She could tell Meredith was panicking, and it was the absolute last thing she wanted. "I don't know. But we're going to find out. Do they seem to have a consistent pattern?"

"No, no pattern. I don't think. But they have gotten stronger. I need to call Derek."

"Meredith," Addison stopped her before she grabbed her phone. "Lets wait and see before you worry him. There are several very easy to fix things that can cause this. They do sound like contractions to me, but it doesn't sound like labor. So let's just do some investigating before we worry."

"What kind of things?" She tried to stay calm.

"Dehydration, UTI, other infections, a need for rest...there's a long list. Why don't you change into a gown. I'll check your cervix just to be sure, and we'll put you on monitoring and see if we can figure this out."

Meredith let out a slow breath, nodding. She fought tears, grateful that Addison was at least acting like she wasn't worried.

"It's going to be fine." Addison assured her. "I'll be right back." She stepped into the hallway so she could change, sighing as she leaned her head against the wall.

With shaky hands, Meredith replaced her scrubs with a hospital gown, laying back on the table as she waited for her to come back. She again resisted the urge to at least text her husband. "I hate this part." She mumbled when her doctor and friend came back, watching as she grabbed gloves from the wall. Reluctantly, she put her feet in the stirrups on the table.

"I'll be quick." Addison assured her. "Just try to relax. I know that's easier said than done."

Meredith winced, shifting a tad when Addison checked her. She closed her eyes, blowing out a slow breath. "That really hurts." She mumbled.

"I'm done." Addison sighed, tossing gloves into the trashcan.

"It's crap news, isn't it?" Meredith watched her expression, taking the hand she offered so she could sit up.

"It's not news to panic over." Addison stressed that part. "Your cervix is about fifty percent effaced and a good one centimeter dilated. But, I have patients that walk around like this for weeks and weeks without anything happening. I don't want you to freak out. We can deal with this. I'm going to put you on the monitors and see what we pick up. You'll get at least three doses of terbutaline before you leave here, and unfortunately this will mean pelvic rest for the remainder of your pregnancy."

"I need to call Derek." Her mind was suddenly fuzzy, and for a moment she thought she was going to pass out. Before that could become a possibility, she laid back on the table, staring at the ceiling.

"Meredith," Addison frowned. "I would tell you if this was bad. This isn't great, but it's not terrible. If the terbutaline kicks these contractions out, I'm confident that with some rest and precautions in place, you're probably going to be fine. Doesn't mean that I won't want Dr. Hayes watching you more closely, but I'm not freaking out yet. And I don't want you to either."

"Everything was going well." Meredith sighed as Addison put in orders to get her a room upstairs.

"This is not labor." Addison reminded her. "Real contractions that are obviously making some cervical changes aren't the best thing at twenty-seven weeks, but these don't have a pattern. I am confident we can fix this."

Meredith was admitted within an hour or so, really against her wishes, but despite not wanting to be there, she was willing to do just about anything to make sure their baby stayed put. She didn't want another baby in the NICU, and she definitely didn't want another crazy birth. She sighed as she laid there after a shot of Terbutaline to try and stop her contractions, listening to the baby's heartbeat on the monitors.

"Meredith," Derek looked frantic when he finally walked into the room. "What happened?"

"I'm guessing this means you haven't talked to Addison yet." She was glad he was there. Even if he couldn't do much, just having him there was calming.

"I did, briefly. But I'm asking you." He sat down, taking her hand. "I thought you said these were Braxton Hicks."

"I thought they were." She frowned. "Obviously I was wrong."

"Mer," Derek sighed.

"What did Addison say to you? Did she say she was worried?"

"Haven't the two of you talked?" He seemed confused.

"We have. I'm just trying to figure out if she told me the truth." She admitted, figuring they had a better chance of Addison being honest with Derek than with her.

"She said she wasn't worried." He admitted honestly, though that obviously hadn't stopped his fear. "She said she was pretty sure the meds would get rid of these and that it wouldn't be a problem. She didn't seem rattled."

"Really?" Meredith felt marginally better. She held onto his hand.

"Really." He smiled a bit, reaching over to run his hand over her hair. "How are you doing?"

"I'm scared." Her voice was soft.

"This is your body's way of telling you to slow down, Mer. You do a lot. Too much. Use this as an opportunity to rest."

"Derek," She didn't try to stop tears. "What if she's wrong? What if this turns into something bad?"

"Addison is a brutally honest person." He insisted. "She would tell us if she thought we should worry. She's always told us." Derek was scared too, but his ex wife's insistence that it would be fine, and seeing that Meredith looked good helped him relax.

"I don't want her to come early."

"She's not going to."

"Derek..."

"Meredith." He rested his hand on her belly, catching her gaze. "This baby is going to stay right here until your scheduled c-section. Okay?"

There was a long hesitation before she nodded, slowly. "Okay." Meredith just hoped that he was right. Because really, she couldn't handle anything less. She needed this birth to be different. She needed her baby to be okay.

 **Please Review!**

 ***Revised 2017**


	22. Confessions

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Twenty-One**

An all day stay in the hospital brought with it a much-desired halt to the contractions that had Meredith terrified that she was headed down yet another scary path with a baby in the intensive care unit. It hadn't been quite as easy to quiet down her uterus as Addison had predicted, but eventually some time after her third dose of meds, contractions had stopped. Meredith had stayed another few hours just to be sure, and Addison had given her another dose of steroids for the baby's lungs just in case before letting her go home.

"Do you want something to eat?" Derek figured his wife, who looked incredibly tired, would turn down the offer. He made it anyway. "I can call and order take-out. That chinese place you like."

Even if she was still a ball of nerves, and really looked forward only to cuddling up with him in their own bed, Meredith couldn't help but smile at his instinct to take care of her in whatever way he could. "You don't eat cheap Chinese food. Remember?"

"For you, I would suffer through it." He smiled, reaching for the phone. He was grateful they'd made arrangements with Mark and Lexie for Weston to stay with them overnight. Meredith had been reluctant, but he wanted to be able to focus his attention on her, and Addison had made it clear she wanted her resting at least for the next couple of days.

Meredith sat down on the couch, grabbing the blanket from the back of it. "Not really all that hungry." She yawned, seriously doubting that answer was going to go over well.

Derek watched her, considering for a moment whether it was worth putting up the fight. Forcing her to eat would probably mean she'd take only a few bites anyway, and when he considered how long they would wait for the food and how close to sleep she already looked, it just didn't seem worth it. "Some water, at least?"

"Water would be good." She was relieved he didn't argue, already struggling to keep her eyes open. "You should eat." She mumbled, leaning her head back against the couch.

"First I'm getting you in bed." They were lucky, all things considered, that Meredith's contractions had stopped. Even though Addison had never acted as if they were in a true danger zone, he knew it was nothing to take lightly. A full ten hours in the hospital and the requirement of meds were nothing to ignore, and he didn't want to end up back there because he let his wife do too much too soon.

"I can walk, you know." She gave him an amused grin. Meredith tried not to think about how worried she still was. Addison had made it very clear that she was to be on pretty strict bed-rest for the next forty-eight hours, and that she was to call her if anything changed, and that was enough to rattle her. She sighed as she thought about how peaceful her pregnancy had been until that point. The thought of living on pins and needles every day until she delivered was both terrifying and exhausting.

"You can." Derek smiled and got up to grab her a bottle of water. "But I'd rather carry you."

"You just want to feel me up."

He laughed as he came back and scooped her into his arms, letting her hold the bottle of water. "You have me all figured out."

Fears were set aside as she laughed, laying her head on his chest. It was hard to be worried when she saw his smile, or had his arms around her. Derek had always had that effect on her. He was a calming, steady presence that she desperately needed. "You spoil me." She smiled as he gently deposited her on their bed and tucked the covers around her.

"I love you, Meredith. This, taking care of you..it's what I want to do." He smiled and leaned over, his lips brushing against hers. "Do you need anything else?"

"Stay with me." She reached for his hand, pleased when she saw him pulling his shirt over his head. Eyes lingered, watching his pants hit the floor next.

Derek crawled into bed next to her, sliding under the sheets. "No pain since you've been home, right?" His hand moved to rest on her belly.

"Not since before we left the hospital." She assured him, finally allowing her eyes to close.

Derek smiled, brushing his thumb gently over her shirt. "Get some sleep, Mer."

"Derek..." Her eyes fluttered after a couple of minutes, and she glanced over at him. "What if these contractions really were something to worry about? What if they come back?"

"Meredith," A frown settled on his face. "Addison is careful. She's very careful, when it comes to you. There's not a chance she would have released you if she wasn't sure that things were okay now. If she thought there was even a chance of them coming back, you'd still be in the hospital. Overnight. However long it took. You know that."

"She can't always know what's going to happen."

A deep breath escaped his lips when he first saw her tears fall, and Derek instantly reached over to brush them from her cheeks. "No one can always know, Meredith. But I do know that you're strong, and this baby is healthy. And the contractions you were having were irregular even this morning. Your cervix hasn't changed any since then, and you've been without any pain for hours. You're going to rest, and chances are, they won't come back."

"Derek." Her question was there, unspoken, but there. She begged him to read between the lines, to understand the silence between them.

"If they come back, we'll get you back on medication to stop them. You've had two doses of steroids for her lungs." He didn't want to talk about the possibility. Derek didn't want to even imagine the possibility of their daughter being born early. He was unwilling, though, to let his wife's mind wander to a place of loss. "Even if she was born now, there's a really good chance she'd be okay. We'd have a long road in the NICU. But Mer, we've had worse. We've walked through worse. Together. And no matter what happens, we're going to be fine. Our daughter is going to be fine. I'm not going to let anything happen to her."

"Okay."

"Okay." He smiled, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Get some sleep."

Meredith was sure he wouldn't leave anytime soon, but she curled up in his arms anyway. Derek had a way of making her feel safe. He'd always had a way of making her feel safe. Even when things around them went crazy, she found peace in his arms. And while his words were unable to erase all of the doubt and fear she had surrounding her pregnancy, they had been enough to give her the temporary relief she needed in order to drift off into a much-needed slumber.

Derek's sleep didn't come as easily. He stayed, long enough to be sure she was resting peacefully, then carefully slid away from her. His mind became quickly full of every thought and worry he couldn't voice, at least to Meredith. Where they were normally open books to one another, this was one area he knew he couldn't share with her. Thoughts of Greyson clouded his mind, and he sighed as he sunk down on their couch, trying desperately to avoid the memory of holding his dead son in a tiny hospital room, alone. He tried not to think about the hello and goodbye he had said then. He tried not think about how scared he got when complications arose in Meredith's pregnancies. Because when he admitted that fear, when he let it get hold of him, the pain of losing his first son came rushing back. It became, again, as fresh and raw as it was the first day it happened. Derek wasn't sure how to handle that. Somewhere along the way he'd buried it all so deep that he'd somehow managed to keep it to a dull roar. It was easier that way. And yet, now, faced with the possibility of an incredibly early baby, there it was.

He tried to remember that what he'd told Meredith was true. He tried to convince himself that Addison really did know what she was doing, that she wouldn't have released Meredith if it wasn't safe to do so. And yet, there he was, tears falling onto his shirt as he quickly tried to wipe them away with shaky hands. _We need a break. Please, just give us a break._ He pleaded with, the universe, really. They needed something good. They deserved something good. He wanted the birth of their daughter to be a moment of joy. Quite honestly, Derek Shepherd wasn't too sure they could survive another near-tragedy. He didn't want to see what it would be like to have to pick up the pieces again.

He sighed as he leaned his head against the back of the couch. Somewhere there in his own fear and tears, he drifted off. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, but it was something, and he needed the rest.

Morning came sooner than it should have, or so it felt that way when he opened his eyes to the sound of Meredith's footsteps upstairs. He blinked, glancing over to the windows, noting the sun that shown through them. Frowning, he ran a hand through his hair and glanced at the clock. He'd somehow managed to sleep there at all night. He hoped that meant Meredith had slept too, that if she hadn't come down to wake him that meant she'd been asleep too.

"Morning," A soft smile appeared on Meredith's face when he appeared in the doorway of their bedroom. She finished pulling her tanktop over her still-wet hair before climbing back into bed. She hadn't noticed he was missing during the night, and she'd been sort of relieved when she woke and he wasn't there, but only because it meant she could take a shower without him worrying. Meredith wasn't naive. She knew his hovering well enough to know that if he had dropped everything to focus completely on her, that it was driven by the fear of what-if. Still, she appreciated his willingness to at least pretend like he was confident everything was fine. She needed that. She always would need that, from him.

"Morning." He gave her a smile, a genuine one, when he noted she looked good. One look at her told him she wasn't in pain, that she wasn't anxious or tired. She'd slept well, and she was contraction free. That's all he cared about, for the time being.

"How long have you been up?" She leaned into his arms when he sat down next to her.

"Slept downstairs." He admitted. "Didn't mean to." He added the last part, noticing the confusion on her face. "Guess I was more worn out than I realized."

"Derek," For the first time since landing in the hospital the day before, she studied him, really studied him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." One arm made its way around her.

She smiled a bit when he pulled her closer. "You say that a lot."

"Really, Mer."

"Okay." She knew she sounded unconvincing, but it was all she could muster.

"Okay." He smiled, kissing the top of her head.

There were a few minutes of quiet as her mind wandered, then her voice was soft. "Derek..."

"Yeah?" Concerned tugged at his mind when he heard her tone.

"After this baby," Another pause. "Once she's here. And, healthy. I...I just..."

"Mer," A frown settled on his face and he shifted so he could see her better.

"Our family would be, complete, right?" She voiced the question as if she was asking him for a divorce or something, as if somehow it was going to break his heart. "I love being a mom. I do. And I want to be a mom to our daughter, and to Landon. But I just..."

"Meredith." Relief washed over him. Derek wasn't disillusioned. He wasn't under some crazy idea that they were going to have four kids and a white picket fence. He didn't have visions of coming home to his wife barefoot in the kitchen with a baby on her hip and dinner on the stove. It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what either of them wanted. He'd known that almost from the day he met her. And after everything, he was at peace with letting this baby be the last missing piece for them. He was unwilling to ever put Meredith in a position where her life or the life of another child hung in the balance. "I'm happy. With you. With Weston." His hand brushed gently over her belly. "With our daughter. I don't need more. This, what we have now, it's our family."

"You're sure?" She didn't believe him, not at first. Derek was a family man, different than she was.

"You make me happy, Mer. Even if it had always been just the two of us, I would have been happy. Raising these two kids together is more than enough for me."

She paused, considering his words, letting her mind run through them a couple of times as she tried to gather the rest of her thoughts. "I just, I don't...I don't want any surprises. I'm not sure I can go through any of this again. I.."

"We'll figure something out. Whatever you want, Meredith. To ensure this is the last baby for us. I'll do whatever it is you need for us to do."

The corners of her mouth turned down. "When you say it like that, it sounds...wrong." She sighed. "I don't know what the right thing is, Derek. We've...we..." Another sigh as she fought back tears. "We lost Greyson. We never expected to, but we did. And if we do something permanent, and something happens..."

"Meredith," Her tears were like a punch to his gut, and he reached up, brushing them gently off her cheeks. "Meredith."

"I can't not think about it. All the time, every day." Her tears came faster, and she was grateful he held her, grateful she could bury her face in his chest. Her safe place, the only one she had, was right there. Her safe place was wrapped in his arms. In that moment, she never wanted him to let go. "What if there's another accident? What if one of them gets sick? What if your heart gets crazy again? What if another man stabs you? Or shoots you? I just...I..."

"Shh," He rubbed her back, whispering gently into her ear. "We're here. All of us. And none of us are going anywhere." He knew it wasn't the right time to discuss birth control, or the end of having children. It wasn't the right time to talk about options. It wasn't the time to talk about anything, really. Every emotion she'd managed to stuff down and bury somewhere was bubbling over, and Derek just wanted to be there to let her cry. He knew in a way they would probably both always feel that. He knew there would always be that feeling of what if hanging over them. Losing a child had created that. It was a constant reminder of how life was so easily cut short, of how there never really was a promise of a tomorrow. And as much as he wanted to, Derek knew he could never promise her that nothing else would happen. He'd tried, so many times, to make that promise. So far, it had always turned out to be a lie. It seemed they couldn't escape the pain, and he knew it was taking a toll on her, even if she'd tried for so long to be strong about it. His only comfort was knowing they were both there together, that neither of them was suffering through those feelings alone. Still, it didn't answer the biggest question of all. He had absolutely no idea how to wake up anymore without wondering if it would be the last time he'd see her, or see their son. He didn't know how to wake up without wondering if they'd ever get to meet their daughter. That was hard, and it was painful, and some days he honestly felt like he was drowning in anxiety. "I never wanted you to feel like this." He whispered after her tears started to slow.

"You never told me you were." She knew him well enough to read between the lines.

"We both lost him, Mer." He reminded her, sighing. "I watched you almost die. You watched me almost die...twice. I just...we...I guess...this feeling, the fear...it's normal."

"Normal, for us." She mumbled.

"Normal for us." He agreed.

"Some days I don't know how to feel okay." She admitted, her voice quiet.

"I don't either, Mer." He sighed, running his fingers through her hair. "I just, I know we have to...together. Somehow we'll just, keep going. And it will get easier. And hopefully one day we'll wake up and we won't have an awful feeling in the pit of our stomachs."

"You never told me."

"I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want you think I wasn't okay."

"Derek," She sighed. "It's my job too, to be there for you. To support you. You can't just...you can't put yourself out on an island to deal with this. You can't just pretend your fine. And you shouldn't. I worry about you anyway, even if you do act all bright and shiny."

He couldn't help but laugh. "We'll figure this out, Mer. It won't be an easy thing, but we'll figure out how to get through this, and we'll figure something out so you don't have to be scared about another baby."

"I love you." She whispered, more than willing to table the conversation for the time being. Emotionally, she was exhausted.

"I love you too."

*Revised 2017


	23. Back to Darkness

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Twenty-Two**

An all day stay in the hospital brought with it a much-desired halt to the contractions that had Meredith terrified that she was headed down yet another scary path with a baby in the intensive care unit. It hadn't been quite as easy to quiet down her uterus as Addison had predicted, but eventually some time after her third dose of meds, contractions had stopped. Meredith had stayed another few hours just to be sure, and Addison had given her another dose of steroids for the baby's lungs just in case before letting her go home.

"Do you want something to eat?" Derek figured his wife, who looked incredibly tired, would turn down the offer. He made it anyway. "I can call and order take-out. That chinese place you like."

Even if she was still a ball of nerves, and really looked forward only to cuddling up with him in their own bed, Meredith couldn't help but smile at his instinct to take care of her in whatever way he could. "You don't eat cheap Chinese food. Remember?"

"For you, I would suffer through it." He smiled, reaching for the phone. He was grateful they'd made arrangements with Mark and Lexie for Weston to stay with them overnight. Meredith had been reluctant, but he wanted to be able to focus his attention on her, and Addison had made it clear she wanted her resting at least for the next couple of days.

Meredith sat down on the couch, grabbing the blanket from the back of it. "Not really all that hungry." She yawned, seriously doubting that answer was going to go over well.

Derek watched her, considering for a moment whether it was worth putting up the fight. Forcing her to eat would probably mean she'd take only a few bites anyway, and when he considered how long they would wait for the food and how close to sleep she already looked, it just didn't seem worth it. "Some water, at least?"

"Water would be good." She was relieved he didn't argue, already struggling to keep her eyes open. "You should eat." She mumbled, leaning her head back against the couch.

"First I'm getting you in bed." They were lucky, all things considered, that Meredith's contractions had stopped. Even though Addison had never acted as if they were in a true danger zone, he knew it was nothing to take lightly. A full ten hours in the hospital and the requirement of meds were nothing to ignore, and he didn't want to end up back there because he let his wife do too much too soon.

"I can walk, you know." She gave him an amused grin. Meredith tried not to think about how worried she still was. Addison had made it very clear that she was to be on pretty strict bed-rest for the next forty-eight hours, and that she was to call her if anything changed, and that was enough to rattle her. She sighed as she thought about how peaceful her pregnancy had been until that point. The thought of living on pins and needles every day until she delivered was both terrifying and exhausting.

"You can." Derek smiled and got up to grab her a bottle of water. "But I'd rather carry you."

"You just want to feel me up."

He laughed as he came back and scooped her into his arms, letting her hold the bottle of water. "You have me all figured out."

Fears were set aside as she laughed, laying her head on his chest. It was hard to be worried when she saw his smile, or had his arms around her. Derek had always had that effect on her. He was a calming, steady presence that she desperately needed. "You spoil me." She smiled as he gently deposited her on their bed and tucked the covers around her.

"I love you, Meredith. This, taking care of you..it's what I want to do." He smiled and leaned over, his lips brushing against hers. "Do you need anything else?"

"Stay with me." She reached for his hand, pleased when she saw him pulling his shirt over his head. Eyes lingered, watching his pants hit the floor next.

Derek crawled into bed next to her, sliding under the sheets. "No pain since you've been home, right?" His hand moved to rest on her belly.

"Not since before we left the hospital." She assured him, finally allowing her eyes to close.

Derek smiled, brushing his thumb gently over her shirt. "Get some sleep, Mer."

"Derek..." Her eyes fluttered after a couple of minutes, and she glanced over at him. "What if these contractions really were something to worry about? What if they come back?"

"Meredith," A frown settled on his face. "Addison is careful. She's very careful, when it comes to you. There's not a chance she would have released you if she wasn't sure that things were okay now. If she thought there was even a chance of them coming back, you'd still be in the hospital. Overnight. However long it took. You know that."

"She can't always know what's going to happen."

A deep breath escaped his lips when he first saw her tears fall, and Derek instantly reached over to brush them from her cheeks. "No one can always know, Meredith. But I do know that you're strong, and this baby is healthy. And the contractions you were having were irregular even this morning. Your cervix hasn't changed any since then, and you've been without any pain for hours. You're going to rest, and chances are, they won't come back."

"Derek." Her question was there, unspoken, but there. She begged him to read between the lines, to understand the silence between them.

"If they come back, we'll get you back on medication to stop them. You've had two doses of steroids for her lungs." He didn't want to talk about the possibility. Derek didn't want to even imagine the possibility of their daughter being born early. He was unwilling, though, to let his wife's mind wander to a place of loss. "Even if she was born now, there's a really good chance she'd be okay. We'd have a long road in the NICU. But Mer, we've had worse. We've walked through worse. Together. And no matter what happens, we're going to be fine. Our daughter is going to be fine. I'm not going to let anything happen to her."

"Okay."

"Okay." He smiled, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Get some sleep."

Meredith was sure he wouldn't leave anytime soon, but she curled up in his arms anyway. Derek had a way of making her feel safe. He'd always had a way of making her feel safe. Even when things around them went crazy, she found peace in his arms. And while his words were unable to erase all of the doubt and fear she had surrounding her pregnancy, they had been enough to give her the temporary relief she needed in order to drift off into a much-needed slumber.

Derek's sleep didn't come as easily. He stayed, long enough to be sure she was resting peacefully, then carefully slid away from her. His mind became quickly full of every thought and worry he couldn't voice, at least to Meredith. Where they were normally open books to one another, this was one area he knew he couldn't share with her. Thoughts of Greyson clouded his mind, and he sighed as he sunk down on their couch, trying desperately to avoid the memory of holding his dead son in a tiny hospital room, alone. He tried not to think about the hello and goodbye he had said then. He tried not think about how scared he got when complications arose in Meredith's pregnancies. Because when he admitted that fear, when he let it get hold of him, the pain of losing his first son came rushing back. It became, again, as fresh and raw as it was the first day it happened. Derek wasn't sure how to handle that. Somewhere along the way he'd buried it all so deep that he'd somehow managed to keep it to a dull roar. It was easier that way. And yet, now, faced with the possibility of an incredibly early baby, there it was.

He tried to remember that what he'd told Meredith was true. He tried to convince himself that Addison really did know what she was doing, that she wouldn't have released Meredith if it wasn't safe to do so. And yet, there he was, tears falling onto his shirt as he quickly tried to wipe them away with shaky hands. _We need a break. Please, just give us a break._ He pleaded with, the universe, really. They needed something good. They deserved something good. He wanted the birth of their daughter to be a moment of joy. Quite honestly, Derek Shepherd wasn't too sure they could survive another near-tragedy. He didn't want to see what it would be like to have to pick up the pieces again.

He sighed as he leaned his head against the back of the couch. Somewhere there in his own fear and tears, he drifted off. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, but it was something, and he needed the rest.

Morning came sooner than it should have, or so it felt that way when he opened his eyes to the sound of Meredith's footsteps upstairs. He blinked, glancing over to the windows, noting the sun that shown through them. Frowning, he ran a hand through his hair and glanced at the clock. He'd somehow managed to sleep there at all night. He hoped that meant Meredith had slept too, that if she hadn't come down to wake him that meant she'd been asleep too.

"Morning," A soft smile appeared on Meredith's face when he appeared in the doorway of their bedroom. She finished pulling her tanktop over her still-wet hair before climbing back into bed. She hadn't noticed he was missing during the night, and she'd been sort of relieved when she woke and he wasn't there, but only because it meant she could take a shower without him worrying. Meredith wasn't naive. She knew his hovering well enough to know that if he had dropped everything to focus completely on her, that it was driven by the fear of what-if. Still, she appreciated his willingness to at least pretend like he was confident everything was fine. She needed that. She always would need that, from him.

"Morning." He gave her a smile, a genuine one, when he noted she looked good. One look at her told him she wasn't in pain, that she wasn't anxious or tired. She'd slept well, and she was contraction free. That's all he cared about, for the time being.

"How long have you been up?" She leaned into his arms when he sat down next to her.

"Slept downstairs." He admitted. "Didn't mean to." He added the last part, noticing the confusion on her face. "Guess I was more worn out than I realized."

"Derek," For the first time since landing in the hospital the day before, she studied him, really studied him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." One arm made its way around her.

She smiled a bit when he pulled her closer. "You say that a lot."

"Really, Mer."

"Okay." She knew she sounded unconvincing, but it was all she could muster.

"Okay." He smiled, kissing the top of her head.

There were a few minutes of quiet as her mind wandered, then her voice was soft. "Derek..."

"Yeah?" Concerned tugged at his mind when he heard her tone.

"After this baby," Another pause. "Once she's here. And, healthy. I...I just..."

"Mer," A frown settled on his face and he shifted so he could see her better.

"Our family would be, complete, right?" She voiced the question as if she was asking him for a divorce or something, as if somehow it was going to break his heart. "I love being a mom. I do. And I want to be a mom to our daughter, and to Landon. But I just..."

"Meredith." Relief washed over him. Derek wasn't disillusioned. He wasn't under some crazy idea that they were going to have four kids and a white picket fence. He didn't have visions of coming home to his wife barefoot in the kitchen with a baby on her hip and dinner on the stove. It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what either of them wanted. He'd known that almost from the day he met her. And after everything, he was at peace with letting this baby be the last missing piece for them. He was unwilling to ever put Meredith in a position where her life or the life of another child hung in the balance. "I'm happy. With you. With Weston." His hand brushed gently over her belly. "With our daughter. I don't need more. This, what we have now, it's our family."

"You're sure?" She didn't believe him, not at first. Derek was a family man, different than she was.

"You make me happy, Mer. Even if it had always been just the two of us, I would have been happy. Raising these two kids together is more than enough for me."

She paused, considering his words, letting her mind run through them a couple of times as she tried to gather the rest of her thoughts. "I just, I don't...I don't want any surprises. I'm not sure I can go through any of this again. I.."

"We'll figure something out. Whatever you want, Meredith. To ensure this is the last baby for us. I'll do whatever it is you need for us to do."

The corners of her mouth turned down. "When you say it like that, it sounds...wrong." She sighed. "I don't know what the right thing is, Derek. We've...we..." Another sigh as she fought back tears. "We lost Greyson. We never expected to, but we did. And if we do something permanent, and something happens..."

"Meredith," Her tears were like a punch to his gut, and he reached up, brushing them gently off her cheeks. "Meredith."

"I can't not think about it. All the time, every day." Her tears came faster, and she was grateful he held her, grateful she could bury her face in his chest. Her safe place, the only one she had, was right there. Her safe place was wrapped in his arms. In that moment, she never wanted him to let go. "What if there's another accident? What if one of them gets sick? What if your heart gets crazy again? What if another man stabs you? Or shoots you? I just...I..."

"Shh," He rubbed her back, whispering gently into her ear. "We're here. All of us. And none of us are going anywhere." He knew it wasn't the right time to discuss birth control, or the end of having children. It wasn't the right time to talk about options. It wasn't the time to talk about anything, really. Every emotion she'd managed to stuff down and bury somewhere was bubbling over, and Derek just wanted to be there to let her cry. He knew in a way they would probably both always feel that. He knew there would always be that feeling of what if hanging over them. Losing a child had created that. It was a constant reminder of how life was so easily cut short, of how there never really was a promise of a tomorrow. And as much as he wanted to, Derek knew he could never promise her that nothing else would happen. He'd tried, so many times, to make that promise. So far, it had always turned out to be a lie. It seemed they couldn't escape the pain, and he knew it was taking a toll on her, even if she'd tried for so long to be strong about it. His only comfort was knowing they were both there together, that neither of them was suffering through those feelings alone. Still, it didn't answer the biggest question of all. He had absolutely no idea how to wake up anymore without wondering if it would be the last time he'd see her, or see their son. He didn't know how to wake up without wondering if they'd ever get to meet their daughter. That was hard, and it was painful, and some days he honestly felt like he was drowning in anxiety. "I never wanted you to feel like this." He whispered after her tears started to slow.

"You never told me you were." She knew him well enough to read between the lines.

"We both lost him, Mer." He reminded her, sighing. "I watched you almost die. You watched me almost die...twice. I just...we...I guess...this feeling, the fear...it's normal."

"Normal, for us." She mumbled.

"Normal for us." He agreed.

"Some days I don't know how to feel okay." She admitted, her voice quiet.

"I don't either, Mer." He sighed, running his fingers through her hair. "I just, I know we have to...together. Somehow we'll just, keep going. And it will get easier. And hopefully one day we'll wake up and we won't have an awful feeling in the pit of our stomachs."

"You never told me."

"I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want you think I wasn't okay."

"Derek," She sighed. "It's my job too, to be there for you. To support you. You can't just...you can't put yourself out on an island to deal with this. You can't just pretend your fine. And you shouldn't. I worry about you anyway, even if you do act all bright and shiny."

He couldn't help but laugh. "We'll figure this out, Mer. It won't be an easy thing, but we'll figure out how to get through this, and we'll figure something out so you don't have to be scared about another baby."

"I love you." She whispered, more than willing to table the conversation for the time being. Emotionally, she was exhausted.

"I love you too."

*Revised 2017


	24. Future & the Past

**The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Twenty-Three**

"She's an idiot." Alex almost found himself rolling his eyes when Cristina told him what Morgan had said to Meredith.

"Tell that to Meredith." Cristina sighed as she put her phone back in her pocket, wishing her friend had at least talked to her before leaving her shift. She was glad she'd called, but she'd known Meredith long enough to know if she was leaving work early, she wasn't doing well.

"Dude, she's pregnant. Pregnant people are hormonal. She'll be fine."

"Alex." Cristina shot him a look. "To her, it's serious. She's not..."

"In her right mind lately?" Alex shrugged when she shot him a look.

"What's wrong with Meredith?" Lexie hadn't been able to help overhearing their conversation, and she frowned as she put her charts down on the counter of the nurses's station.

"She's freaking out because the slutty intern's back."

"What slutty intern?" Lexie frowned.

"Do you live under a rock?" Cristina narrowed her eyes as she looked over. "Seriously?"

"Dr. Henderson. Flirted with Derek. Like two months ago. Made a big scene? Derek went all hulk on her?" Alex filled her in. Well, sort of.

"I thought she didn't work here anymore." Lexie seemed confused.

"She's back. We just said that. Try to keep up." Cristina sighed. "She's back, and she went all..."

"She told Meredith that Derek played the field." Alex clarified, looking down as his pager went off. "Meredith freaked out. And went home." He grabbed his charts. "I have to go."

"Is she okay?" Lexie looked back over to Cristina. "Did Derek go home with her?"

"She's fine." Cristina frowned. "She doesn't need him to babysit her. Meredith's fine."

Lexie sighed, watching her walk away. "If she was fine, she'd be here. Does Derek know she left?"

"I told you. She doesn't need a babysitter, and she definitely doesn't need McDreamy hovering again."

"Still, I think..."

"Lexie." Cristina gave her a look. "We're not telling Derek. Meredith can tell Derek. Derek can figure it out. But we..." She made a motion between the two of them. "We are not telling him. This is not a 911 crisis. We don't need to rush upstairs and tattle on his wife for leaving her shift."

"I really don't get how the two of you became friends." Lexie made a face.

"We're not friends. I'm her person." Cristina shrugged and headed off down the hallway to check on her patients. Sure, she was worried about Meredith, but she also knew that making a big deal out of her leaving would only make it worse.

"Dr. Shepherd." Morgan found him in the hallway that afternoon, figuring by the clock that he had just finished up his craniotomy. Despite how things had been left between the two of them, she had entered Seattle Grace with a new sense of determination. After all, she was used to getting what she wanted. Growing up entitled meant she'd never really been told no, and between him getting her fired and Meredith basically daring her to go near him again, it was fun again. She wanted the satisfaction of getting Derek Shepherd. Giving up wasn't an option.

Derek was taken aback when she approached him. He'd assumed she'd learned her lesson, that she knew he was far from interested. It surprised him that she'd take the risk of talking to him again considering all that had transpired before. For a moment, he just looked at her, trying to decide if she was even worth the response. Considering Meredith's breakdown earlier, he decided against even responding to her and instead kept walking.

"Dr. Shepherd." Morgan tried again, following him. "Derek." She caught up, stepping in front of him so he was forced to look at her, given the narrowness of the hallway.

"You and I have nothing to say to one another, Dr. Henderson. And if you know what's good for your career, you will walk away."

A frown settled on Morgan's face when she realized this was going to be harder than she'd imagined it would be. "Dr. Shepherd, I just..."

Derek cut her off, relieved when his pager went off at the same time. "Nothing to say." He glanced down at the device on his waistband. "I've got to go."

She let him step past her, not because she wanted to, but because she wasn't insane enough to try to keep him from a patient. Not yet anyway.

He sighed with relief as he stepped around her, picking up the pace as he headed to the elevators.

"Dr. Shepherd." Susan, one of the ER nurses, looked up with surprise when he stepped off the elevator of the first floor. "I thought you and the other Dr. Shepherd went home for the day."

Immediate confusion clouded Derek's face as he walked briskly toward the ambulance bay where an incoming trauma was headed. "My shift doesn't end until tonight. Meredith was here just a few hours ago."

"Saw her leaving not too long ago." She followed him.

Derek wanted to ask her if she knew why, but there was no time. Their patient, a seventy year-old man who had fallen from a third floor window, was being brought in by paramedics. "See if you can get her on the phone please. Find out what's going on. Let me know."

"Of course." The nurse stepped aside as they headed to an empty trauma room with the patient. She grabbed one of the medical students that was walking by, giving them instructions to make the call for her so she could help with the trauma.

Derek's assessment of his patient didn't last long. He quickly determined they needed to get the man up to surgery immediately in order to try and avoid permanent brain damage. His craniotomy would be bumped until later, which meant he'd be getting home much later than he'd planned. "Susan, when you make that call to Meredith, let her know I won't be home until late."

Two weeks proved to be the end of Morgan Henderson. After days of continued harassment of Derek Shepherd, she'd finally been fired, a second time. This time there was a promise of permanency in that decision. Both Derek and Meredith were relieved.

"Did you hear about the storm that's supposed to hit Saturday?" Cristina pulled Meredith's attention away from the charts she was working on.

"The one that's supposed to turn Seattle into Maine?" Meredith glanced up from her charts. "Owen sent out half a zillion emails this morning about emergency schedules and stuff. Are you going to stay?"

"I have a shift Friday, so I guess that's a yes. I don't read email."

Meredith looked at her, amused. "Sort of impossible not to know about this storm. The news talks about it like it's freaking armageddon or something."

"Is Derek working?"

"He requested not to. We'll close to trauma anyway, so he'd really be here for a bunch of nothing, and I'd rather not be snowed in with a baby."

"And a half."

"Not for much longer." Meredith ran a hand over her huge belly, sighing as she thought about the surgery that was scheduled in two weeks. She looked forward to meeting her daughter, but she didn't look forward to being back in the operating room.

"Owen thinks snow is pretty much the best thing that can happen. It's like he's five years old or something."

"Snow is nice." Meredith thought for a second. "Ten feet of snow is not that nice. They're predicting the entire city to lose power and transportation for days."

"Nothing like being in the hospital for four days while the entire world goes crazy around you." Cristina made a face. "At least we'll see the good stuff when the roads finally open back up. All the idiots who did stupid crap. All the wrecks."

"You're terrible." Still, she laughed, scribbling down a few signatures before she closed her charts.

"So you're out of here now? That's it?" Cristina glanced at the clock.

"My charts are done." Meredith shrugged. "I'm going to leave when Derek's shift is over." She wasn't sure if she was ready for maternity leave. Sitting around the house for two weeks before the baby came didn't seem like much fun, but Addison had suggested it, so she hadn't really argued. Plus, she liked the idea of the time with Landon. It was rare that she got to spend many days one on one with him, and she knew it would only get harder when there where two babies. Even after everything that had happened with Derek, she'd managed to save a couple of weeks of vacation time. She'd planned to stack it on to her maternity leave but when Addison had expressed concern with her working until the last minute, she'd reluctantly agreed. Despite how well everything had been going, she didn't want to push herself too far and end up with something happening at the last minute.

"It's going to be lame without you here for eight weeks. You're going to stop having babies after this, right? I can't talk to Lexie for eight weeks again. Or Alex. Owen will start to talk about babies again. I don't have babies."

"Cristina." Meredith laughed. "This is the last baby."

"So Derek's scheduled for the big..."

"Cristina!" She shook her head. "He's not, scheduled, for anything."

"More babies." She rolled her eyes. "The two of you can't stop with the sex. There will definitely be more babies."

"I've heard sometimes you can get birth control." Meredith grabbed all of her charts, handing them off to one of of her interns as they walked by.

"You actually take your pills? What with the...baby bump and all, I figured you just.."

"I took them," Meredith insisted. "What can I say? Derek has good sperm."

"Oh my God," Cristina mumbled. "You definitely need to go on maternity leave now."

*Revised 6/2017


	25. The Final Storm

The Fight For Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

The storm had hit, fast and furious, just as promised. Seattle had never seen something quite like it, or at least, it was exceedingly rare. The blizzard had rumbled in sometime the previous morning, pounding the city with more snow than they were prepared to deal with. Many places were prepared for the snow and ice storms each year, but Seattle Washington was not. The city had put emergency measures in place for the last week, but it hadn't been enough. With ice and foot after foot of snow virtually taking over every inch of the city, everything halted. Roads were impassible, transportation ceased to exist, phone lines crashed, first responders found themselves unable to work, residents couldn't leave their homes, and panic set in. The news predicted residents to be snowed in and without assistance for a minimum of two days, but with the continued falling of snow, it was likely that would be extended. Few business had the ability to operate at all. Hospitals had long since put emergency plans into action, staffing extra workers and ensuring they planned to stay until the city was up and running again. Emergency generators supplied power to hospitals and police stations, but other than that, Seattle was dead and would remain that way until ice could be taken care of and snow could be moved.

Meredith stared out the window sometime around midnight, watching as their land was enveloped in a blanket of white. At first she'd been sure that the howling winds had drawn her out of her slumber, but soon she was proven wrong. A pain sliced across her stomach and she gasped, doubling over. Her hand wrapped around her abdomen and she shook her head, panicking. "No. No, no, no. We are not doing this now. We are not. Doing. This." She'd been in labor such a short time with Landon before blood loss clouded her memories, but she was sure what she'd just experienced was a contraction. Her mind raced. Thirty-seven weeks. She knew, age-wise, her baby would be fine if she was born. But they were at home, snowed in, and without access to an ambulance or ability to get to the hospital. If she'd fallen down the stairs and whacked her head, or passed out cold on the tile floor, she wouldn't worry. She trusted Derek with brains. He could save her life, hospital or not. But when it came to delivering babies, he was almost completely clueless and so was she. Sure, they'd both done it once or twice during med school and their first year of residency, but that was many moons ago, especially for her husband. "Please, Brynn. Not now." She whispered, unable to keep her mind from wandering back to memories of almost bleeding to death on the floor of their home when Weston was born. Her pleading both with herself and her unborn daughter was in vain, though, and she whimpered as her stomach tighten again. Tears stung her eyes as she forced herself to draw in a few slow breaths, her hand gripping her stomach.

"Crazy, isn't it? First time I think Seattle's ever seen a storm this big."

Derek's voice caused her to jump, pulling her out of her own panic. "Derek." She contemplated not saying anything, as if somehow not talking about it would make it go away.

Immediately, he knew something was wrong. "Mer?" His hands wrapped around her waist, resting on either side of her belly.

"I..." Her voice was lost, wavering. Shaky hands moved to rest on his. "I'm having contractions." Silence followed. "Real, contractions." She clarified.

Derek could feel the color washing from his face, and he shifted to step back from her, drawing in a deep breath. Instinct told him to panic, to yell, to throw something, to put his fist through the wall. He could feel her shaking, though, knowing she was crying. His movements froze, and he shoved down every screaming fear from the back of his mind. He could not panic in front of her, would not let her know how terrified he was. "How far apart are they?" His hand ran gently over the side of her belly. His words were so different from his thoughts, but he knew he had to be her strength. He could not break down in front of her, not when she was so obviously fragile.

"Derek," She couldn't stop her tears, sinking a bit into his arms. "Derek,"

He gently turned her to face him, wrapping his arms around her. Fingers ran through her hair. "I'm right here, Mer. It's okay. No matter what, it's going to be okay."

"No. I can't. I...we can't. I'm scheduled to have a c-section. I'm.." Another contraction interrupted her, and she was grateful for Derek's arms.

"Breathe," He whispered, one hand moving to rub her back. "Slow breaths. How many does this make?"

"Three," She managed, when it had passed. "Three. What time is it?"

"Twelve-fifteen. I figured you were having trouble sleeping." He caught her as she nearly collapsed in his arms. "Meredith, look at me."

"Fifteen minutes." She whimpered, gasping. Her tears turned to sobs. Not from pain. From panic. From fear. From the horrifying realization that she truly was in labor. Real labor. This baby was going to be born at home. There would be no hospital, no supplies, no monitors or emergency resuscitation equipment, no Addison Montgomery, and definitely no c-section. "Three..in fifteen minutes."

"Okay." Derek had to take a breath to calm his own nerves. "It's okay. Breathe. I need you to breathe, Mer. Please, don't cry. I've got you. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. We can do this." It was abundantly clear to him that there was no way out of it. The only person to deliver their baby was him. His wife's life and the life of their baby rested solely in his hands. The thought was terrifying. He gently eased them both to the floor, holding her until she was calm, talking her through two more contractions while they were there.

"How many babies have you delivered?" When the tears finally stopped and initial panic subsided, she thought clearly again.

"Two." He cringed at the question, feeling her stiffen a bit in his arms. "Three. Two in medical school. One during residency. But Mer, I'll call Addison. She can talk us through this. It's going to be okay."

"Three babies." She almost couldn't hear herself speak.

"Meredith, look at me." Derek's voice was firm, and he waited until her eyes found his. "I can do this. You can do this. We're going to be okay. All of us."

She stared at him for a minute, then slowly nodded. There really was no choice but to trust him. He'd been there with her through hell and back. They'd faced death over and over again, together. He'd fought for her more times than she could remember. Derek would give his life for her. He was smart, and capable, and incredibly resourceful. She had no choice but to trust that he would keep her and the baby safe. Allowing herself to be engulfed in panic would only make things worse, and she knew she had to do what she could for her baby. "Okay."

"Okay." He smiled, laying his hand on her cheek. His thumb brushed gently over her skin. "I'm going to call Addison and let her know. Why don't you see if you can get some more sleep."

Meredith knew it was going to be an absolute impossibility, but she nodded. In that moment she realized she had to hand her complete trust over to him, whether she wanted to or not. She couldn't have a baby at home on her own. Not without Derek. Derek was the reason it was going to be okay. Derek would keep them safe. Once again, she reminded herself that he'd never let anything happen to her. Slowly, she got to her feet with his help, going to their room. Sleep was impossible as she'd predicted, though, and she ended up leaning over the bed as another contraction came. Labor wasn't going anywhere. That fact was cemented as a puddle of liquid hit the floor beneath her.

Derek sunk against the wall with shaky hands as soon as she was gone, burying his head in his lap as he cried. He took that moment, needed that moment to allow himself to face his own fears and emotions. He was terrified and not at all confident in his ability to play obstetrician, but he'd made Meredith a promise that he intended to keep. It took a few minutes for him to get his head on straight, then he finally picked up his phone and dialed his ex-wife's number. The call never connected. Instead he got nothing but the phone company's message that lines were down, that service had been interrupted. His phone catapulted across the room, crashing into the wall. They really were alone with only his knowledge and incredibly limited experience, if you could even call it that. Still, he forced himself to his feet, numbly stumbling through the house as he gathered the few things he did know they would need. Common sense told him it could be many hours before the baby actually came, but then labor was completely unpredictable, and he didn't want to take chances. He made his way back to their room with a stack of towels and blankets in hand.

"What did Addison say?" Meredith was standing at their bed, swaying her hips from side to side, just a tad. Hands rested on the bed, and she groaned through another contraction, watching as Derek put everything down on the dresser. The rubbing alcohol, scissors from their first-aid supply kit, and package of shoe laces she'd bought for him just a week ago were almost enough to bring back every ounce of panic she'd had before, but she forced her fear aside. Derek had this under control. They could do this.

Derek waited until her contraction had passed, watching as she ran a hand over her belly. In that moment, he made a choice. He was the only support she had, and he wasn't about to stand there and tell her there really was no one else to help them. "She said to tell you not to worry. Walked me through a few things."

"So it's okay? You really think you can do this? She told you what to do? What about uterine rupture? Did she say she was worried?"

"Meredith." Just hearing the words threatened to break his facade. "She specifically told me to tell you not to worry."

"Okay." She seemed to accept his answer. "I'm sorry. I know you're kick-ass if I need a huge bleed controlled in my head, or if I suddenly develop a life-threatening brain tumor. But those things don't exactly translate to obstetrical skills."

"I am good with brains." Derek smiled, glancing at the clock. One in the morning. He was immensely grateful that it was the middle of the night and Landon was asleep. Supporting Meredith is all he wanted to focus his attention on. He'd shut the door of their bedroom, just in case, wanting to do everything they could to keep from waking him up.

"My water broke." She figured he hadn't noticed the towel under her feet. "I...shouldn't we...should...did Addison say we should figure out, how things are progressing? How much I'm dilating? We should find out, right? Just to make sure everything's okay? Or that the cord isn't there, or?"

"Meredith." He glanced at the towel. "Slow down." He did his best to soothe her. He'd grabbed the one obstetrical textbook he'd saved from med school before coming back, scanning what he could of the emergency childbirth section. It was meant for ER doctors, really, just in case. He thanked himself for keeping all of those books for so many years. Still, words on paper didn't offer much. She was right. They did need to figure out some sort of benchmark for her progress, even if it didn't matter much. If she didn't progress, there wouldn't be much they could do, but at least they'd know. He didn't even know if he could estimate dilation correctly, but he also knew he'd have to give it his best shot no matter how awkward it might be. "After your next contraction, I'll check you. We'll go from there."

She'd already shed the pajamas she'd been sleeping in, trading them for a nightgown with no panties, and hesitantly she laid down in their bed. She was nervous, her heart racing. "Just do it." She mumbled. "Please, just do it." Pain interrupted her, though, and she squeezed his hand when he offered it. "They're getting worse." She whimpered, tensing a bit as she rolled onto her side in an attempt to escape the contraction that was much stronger now that her water had broken.

"That's a good sign." He reminded her, gently rubbing her belly in small circles. "Slow breaths." It was hard to see her in pain with no way to offer her relief, but he did what he cold.

"This really, freaking, hurts." She mumbled when it had passed. Slowly, she let out a breath and rolled back to her back. "Get it over with." She mumbled, laying her arm over her eyes. Please tell me something good." She mumbled when he was done. She sat up when he offered his hand.

"Three centimeters." He hated the disappointed look on her face. "But this just started, Mer. Give it some time."

"I was two at my last appointment." She already wanted to give up. "I don't think I can do this."

"Yes, you can." He insisted. "You can do this." Her gasp stopped their conversation, and he let her squeeze his hand as she fought to get through the contraction. "You can do this, Mer. You're doing it. And you're doing great." He hoped that by some miracle the roads would clear by morning, that the snow would stop and they would at least be able to get her transported to a hospital. His hope was completely unfounded, he knew, considering the insane condition of the city. It didn't stop him from wanting it, though. In the back of his mind, Derek figured they were probably a good twenty-four hours out from an ambulance being able to get to them, at the very least.


	26. Meeting Brynn

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for every review and for all of you who have stuck with this until the end. Each and every one of you is appreciated! Here we are...the last chapter in the last story. We've finally come to the end. It's bittersweet for me!**

 **The Fight For Four**

 **Chapter Twenty-Five**

Meredith's labor rapidly intensified over the next couple of hours, and by three that morning she was completely losing her resolve and ability to make it through the blinding pain of her contractions. They were coming fast and furious, and she'd last calculated they were roughly two minutes apart and lasting well over a minute when she finally lost it. "I can't do this!" She almost screamed as another one started.

Derek was there, right there with her, just as he had been through everything. He'd still managed to keep a brave face even as he watched her suffering. "You're doing great." He whispered gently, letting her lean against him as she fought through the pain. She'd wrapped her arms around his neck and he rubbed her hips, holding her up as she started to sink. "Deep breaths. It will pass."

Meredith screamed as the contraction peaked. Her hands moved to grip Derek's shoulders and she was sure she was squeezing them hard enough to hurt him, but in that moment she didn't care. His presence did little, if anything, to help ease the pain. She groaned as the slicing pain across her abdomen started to taper off. "I'm going to throw up." She mumbled. It was the first time she'd been nauseous, and it didn't give her much warning. Derek was barely able to grab the trashcan in time for her to get sick. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Yes you can." Derek helped her sit on the bed so she could rest. "I'll be right back." He was relieved when she laid down and closed her eyes, though he knew it wouldn't last long .He wanted her to get some rest. Neither of them had gotten any sleep, and he worried about her stamina.

Meredith was reluctant, but she let go of his hand after a minute and closed her eyes, wishing she could get just a few minutes without contractions. She was exhausted.

Derek went down to the kitchen, getting rid of the bag in the trashcan. He grabbed a bottle of water for each of them before trying to call Addison again. The phone lines were still dead, so he instead reached for the open medical book on the counter, scanning through a bit more of it. A few paragraphs in he found a chart that listed an average frequency of contractions for each stage of labor, and that coupled with the sudden throwing up made him wonder if she'd progressed much faster than they'd expected. He read a bit more before going back to their room, closing the door behind him. "How about some water?" He could tell he'd caught her at the end of another contraction, and he sat down on the edge of the bed, gently rubbing her hand.

"I can't." She mumbled. "Can't drink anything right now."

"Okay." He set both of them on their bedside table. "I think we should check you Mer. It's been a couple of hours and things have really intensified." Derek checked her quickly. "I think you're at least a seven." He was relieved. She was progressing quickly, and from everything he knew and had read, that was a good sign. Pain aside, she was holding up well and there were no signs that anything was going wrong. He'd managed to find the baby's heart beat a few time with his stethoscope, but it was difficult all things considered. They both wished they had a doppler there just to give them more reassurance that she was doing okay, but they ultimately had to trust that their baby would come out of it alright.

"My hips feel like they are splitting in two!" She screamed, writhing against the pain that enveloped her. She rolled onto her side, hands clenched into fists.

Derek reached down and placed his hands on either of her hips after tossing his gloves in the garbage, applying gentle pressure. "That's the baby moving down, Mer. It's a good sign. I know it hurts."

"I need something for the pain." She begged, grateful that he seemed to instinctively know how to help her. "Can you do that every time?" She found her voice when the contraction passed.

"Every time." He promised. "Mer, the..." He caught himself almost saying book. "Addison suggested you stay upright as much as possible, to encourage the baby to move down into the correct position."

"I can't. I can't do it anymore, Derek. I'm tired. I..."

"It's okay." He cut her off, his tone soothing and quiet. "It's okay if you can't. But it might make things continue at this pace. You're so close." He ran his hand over her hair, relieved when she sat up on her own.

Meredith ended up laboring another good two hours, mostly on her feet. She leaned on Derek and furniture for support during contractions, sometimes squatted, and other times sat down on the edge of her bed. She did everything he asked of her for as long as she could, but eventually became too tired to continue it. By the time five rolled around, she was convinced she was dying, and she said so. She begged him to take her to a hospital, though she knew he couldn't. She pleaded with him for pain meds though she knew there wouldn't be any. She screamed at him, snapped at him, and she was sure almost broke his hand, but he still stayed. He supported her through every contraction she had, and if he ever worried, she didn't know it. Derek was everything she needed in those hours, and she knew she'd never be able to tell him just how much that meant to her.

When she was finally too exhausted to continue on her feet, she practically collapsed into their bed, grateful that Derek had already put down extra sheets. She snapped at him to fix the pillows around her, fighting with them until she got into a semi-comfortable position. By then she was so blinded by pain that she couldn't even think straight. Contractions were coming in what seemed like rapid succession, and it was all she could do to scream through them, convinced she was going to pass out cold from the pain. She was almost too distracted to hear Derek telling her she was completely dilated. "I can push, right?!" She didn't mean to scream, but it happened anyway.

Derek couldn't help but smile, reaching down to gently rub her leg. "You can push, Mer." He'd tried his phone several more times throughout her labor but the lines still hadn't come back, and eventually he gave up. Her starting to push scared him. He'd been semi confident in everything until then, but he had to be honest with himself when he admitted that he had absolutely no idea how to deliver a baby. He could only hope that everything wen the way it should. "The baby's still high." He admitted. "If you want to wait, you can wait. It will save your energy."

Ultimately, she pushed. Meredith pushed with every contraction for almost an hour with relatively no progress. Derek started to worry. He knew it could take hours of pushing for a baby to come, but when there wasn't much progress of the baby moving down, he began to panic. Once again, he picked up the phone. It was still dead. He resisted the urge to throw it down the hallway and instead took a moment to collect himself and try to figure out what they could try before he went back to his wife.

"We need to change your position." He had no idea if it would help at all, but the basic concept of gravity coupled with what little experience he had told him it was really the only suggestion he could offer considering the situation.

"What's wrong?" For the first time she saw fear in his eyes, and she began to panic. "Derek?"

"Everything's okay." He tried to reassure her. "But the baby's not moving down, and I don't want you running out of energy to do this. Changing positions may help." He reached down and helped her sit up. "Lets try sitting on the edge of the bed."

Meredith was grateful for his help. She was almost too tired to sit there, leaning back on her arms a bit. But she did it, because honestly, Derek scared terrified her. "Derek, I'm getting tired." She mumbled.

"I know." He moved in front of her and reached out, brushing her hair behind her ear. "You can do this." Relief washed over him when Meredith's next few pushes proved their efforts were successful. "She's coming, Meredith. Keep pushing. Take a deep breath, and push." He knew she was beyond the point of exhausted, but he forced her to focus and keep going, knowing they were close.

Meredith screamed, shaking her head and pulling back from him a bit. "I can't! I can't do this anymore! I can't! Please, help me! Derek!"

Derek leaned over and rested both his hands on the side of her belly, looking at her. "Meredith, look at me." His voice was gentle, soothing, despite the chaos in the room. "Meredith." It took him a minute to catch her attention. "Look. At me. Right here at me." He gave her a smile when she calmed down a bit. "You can do this. You're doing it. You are strong, and this baby is almost here. I need you to stay right here with me. Stay focused so we can meet her."

Meredith tried so hard to hang on to his words though it seemed impossible. She stared at him with tiny nods between ragged breaths, knowing the only way the agony was going to end was to focus on her husband's words. She had to find a way to pull herself away from her suffering just enough to stay calm. "Okay," She whimpered. "I'm trying."

Derek moved back when he saw her tense, knowing she was contracting again. "Take a deep breath, Meredith. And push. Push as hard as you can." He watched as she did at first, but when she started to lean back on the pillows behind her and scream that she couldn't, he demanded her attention again. "Meredith! Focus on me. Right here. I need you to push."

Meredith let out a scream as the baby's head finally came.

He had never been more relieved in his life, "One more push, Mer. Just one more."

"I can't! I can't do this!" She couldn't help the screaming anymore, but she pushed with as much strength as she had left, collapsing back onto the pillows when Derek caught the baby. "Oh my God." She instantly took her when he laid her on her belly, her hands laying on her back. "I had a baby."

Derek wiped tears from his eyes as he grabbed several blankets and laid them over the crying baby. "You did so well, Mer." He couldn't describe the incredible feeling that came over him as he sat there, staring at his wife and brand new daughter. "She's beautiful. You're amazing."

"She's okay, right? Is she okay?" Meredith was crying too, tears coming so fast she could barely focus on her daughter.

"She's perfect, Mer." Derek's hands were shaking and his vision was blurred by tears as he gently rubbed the baby's back, wiping her off as best he could before grabbing clean blankets to put over her. He grabbed his stethoscope, listening to her heart and lungs just to be sure. "Hi, Brynn." He whispered as he set it aside, laying his hand on the baby's back. "One day I'll have to tell you about how much your mommy went through to get you here."

Meredith relished in every second she had with the tiny baby laying on her chest. Between pure joy and incredible exhaustion, she didn't remember much of Derek helping her deliver the placenta and getting her cleaned up and settled onto clean sheets. He'd taken the baby after that just to look her over more carefully, and get her dressed, but had immediately returned Brynn to her chest. "Weston will be waking up soon." She mumbled, closing her eyes when Derek finally climbed into bed next to her after cleaning up the room.

"I'll take care of Weston." Derek assured her, watching both of them as he laid there next to them on his side. He reached over and stroked the baby's cheek. "Hard to believe they start off this small."

Meredith looked over. "You helped me have a baby. And I didn't bleed to death. And she's here. And healthy."

He smiled, kissing her. "You were so amazing, Meredith."

"Because of you." She insisted. "I couldn't have done this without you here, Derek. And at the end...she never would have come. She would have been stuck, and..."

"But she wasn't." He soothed, running his hand over her hair. "She got here safely. Both of you are doing perfectly." He assured her.

"I'm so tired." She mumbled.

"I know." He smiled a bit. "Sleep. I'm not going anywhere." Derek watched as she drifted off. He didn't think he could ever feel happier than he did in that moment. His wife was safe. His daughter was safely sleeping in her arms. Their son was sleeping down the hall. His family was complete. Despite everything life had thrown their way, they'd made it.

 **The End**

 **Please let me know what you think!**

 **I don't watch Grey's anymore. I haven't since Shonda did the unthinkable and killed Derek off, and for a while I wasn't sure if I would write anymore Grey's stories.**

 **BUT, an idea came to mind and I am currently working on "Gone". It's by far my favorite piece I've written. Hop on over and check it out :)**


	27. Story Revision - A Note From the Author

**As of 2017, this story has been completely revised and edited for a final time. Some scenes have been deleted, reworked, and added.**

 **I am currently working on "Gone". It is quite different from these last three stories, but I think it's been my favorite to write. Check it out if you have the time.**


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